lamy's sacred sleep
Death is bliss.
- Nov 22, 2024
- 590
i've been suicidal for a long time (since 8-9 years old), so in my life I was staying for things rather than for myself.
I don't really have anything that's worth staying for anymore. Nor do I want to try to find/develop things to live for.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of recovering for others. Because then I start to resent them for keeping me alive.
Everytime i do anything even slightly strenous the thoughts come flooding in of how it'd be better to be dead anyway, as in why bother if you could be dead instead.
After all a dead person can't regret, one can only regret continuing to live.
On things that would keep me going.
If you had asked 1-2 months ago I would've said love but even that isn't really proving enough to stick around very long.
I'm already struggling to wait only a few months on the basis of love and dying in the way i'd very much wish to.
i've never had very strong ambitions or dreams. I could tell you which field i'd like to pursue, but it doesn't especially help me in not wanting to die immediately after waking up.
It's like if i was forced to live, this is what i'd like to do, but if you gave me the option between dying or living and doing this thing, I'd choose dying.
When I was younger my reason for staying was my mother however i've always been an antinatalist (my childhood was rough) so I could see that bringing another being here is sorta senseless and has the great possibility of being cruel even if you try to do everything right.
One day i realised that i was under no obligation to keep living for the person/people who brought me here.
The way i see it is if they really didn't want to deal with the grief of losing a child, shouldn't have had one in the first place (probably a bit too harsh, but it's what i believe).
I have a weird relationship with death. grief is sorta foreign to me. for me death is expected, i walk into every encounter knowing the person could die at any time after all the one and only thing you're promised at birth is death.
i struggle to see death, especially voluntary death as bad. consent is key to me in these cases.
anyway back to the mother thing
basically i lived because if i didn't mom would be sad
now i have a sliver of care compared to before and also i won't be there to experience the aftermath
I then tried to live for my friends, but I'm the one living my life, not them.
I then was very close to jumping but SI and other factors stopped me.
This was before experiencing romantic love of any kind, then i experienced romantic love for the first time and I was like yooo i could live for this.
However love comes with heartbreak among other painful things. On top of this I'm struggling to get myself to live for someone else yet again. I don't want to do that to myself again.
I don't know, my mind feels wired towards death. It's always looking for reasons why death is preferable to life.
I don't really have anything that's worth staying for anymore. Nor do I want to try to find/develop things to live for.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of recovering for others. Because then I start to resent them for keeping me alive.
Everytime i do anything even slightly strenous the thoughts come flooding in of how it'd be better to be dead anyway, as in why bother if you could be dead instead.
After all a dead person can't regret, one can only regret continuing to live.
On things that would keep me going.
If you had asked 1-2 months ago I would've said love but even that isn't really proving enough to stick around very long.
I'm already struggling to wait only a few months on the basis of love and dying in the way i'd very much wish to.
i've never had very strong ambitions or dreams. I could tell you which field i'd like to pursue, but it doesn't especially help me in not wanting to die immediately after waking up.
It's like if i was forced to live, this is what i'd like to do, but if you gave me the option between dying or living and doing this thing, I'd choose dying.
When I was younger my reason for staying was my mother however i've always been an antinatalist (my childhood was rough) so I could see that bringing another being here is sorta senseless and has the great possibility of being cruel even if you try to do everything right.
One day i realised that i was under no obligation to keep living for the person/people who brought me here.
The way i see it is if they really didn't want to deal with the grief of losing a child, shouldn't have had one in the first place (probably a bit too harsh, but it's what i believe).
I have a weird relationship with death. grief is sorta foreign to me. for me death is expected, i walk into every encounter knowing the person could die at any time after all the one and only thing you're promised at birth is death.
i struggle to see death, especially voluntary death as bad. consent is key to me in these cases.
anyway back to the mother thing
basically i lived because if i didn't mom would be sad
now i have a sliver of care compared to before and also i won't be there to experience the aftermath
I then tried to live for my friends, but I'm the one living my life, not them.
I then was very close to jumping but SI and other factors stopped me.
This was before experiencing romantic love of any kind, then i experienced romantic love for the first time and I was like yooo i could live for this.
However love comes with heartbreak among other painful things. On top of this I'm struggling to get myself to live for someone else yet again. I don't want to do that to myself again.
I don't know, my mind feels wired towards death. It's always looking for reasons why death is preferable to life.
. And having kids is the tried and tested method of finding meaning in life 
