PerfectVictory
God of the New World
- Nov 9, 2025
- 35
Suicide Note:
To my parents I know you love me more than I could ever know or nor could I ever hope to repay your sacrifices, I am sorry for the immense pain this will cause. Thank you for trying your best. There is nothing you could have done to stop this. I love you.
To my siblings I know the love you hold for me and my sweetest memories were those that we spent together. Carry on. Do not let this drag you down. Live the lives I wish I could. I love you.
To the rest of my family, thank you for your love and care. I cherish the good times we've spent together and the help you've given me both directly and indirectly. I apologize that I have turned out this way. I hope you don't see your efforts as wasted. I love you.
To my friends, thank you for putting up with me. You know me perhaps better than my family. You were at times the only bright point in my life and gave me the strength to carry on. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause psychologically or otherwise. Thank you for allowing me to speak openly and honestly. I love you.
To everyone and anyone reading I hope I left a good impression on you if you knew me. Enjoy your life. Don't kill yourself.
It was good while it lasted. We eased each other's boredom for quite a while. Well, it's been interesting.
Goodbye
"And remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." - Robin Williams
Playlists:
[redacted]
For Apple Music people these services will allow you to transfer it from spotify ideally one person would make it then share it:
[redacted]
https://www.givingwhatwecan.org/charities/helen-keller-international please donate at least $1 (preferably more) to this charity or a similar one on this website that aligns with your values and have one other person outside of my circle to do the same including finding another person.
I am hereby instructing my dad to send the $1000 I sent him to whoever makes the most liked TikTok edit of me to be awarded a year after my death. As silly as it is I've always wanted to be in a TikTok edit.
"Anne, I don't want to live. . . . Now listen, life is lovely, but I Can't Live It. I can't even explain. I know how silly it sounds . . . but if you knew how it Felt. To be alive, yes, alive, but not be able to live it. Ay that's the rub. I am like a stone that lives . . . locked outside of all that's real. . . . Anne, do you know of such things, can you hear???? I wish, or think I wish, that I were dying of something for then I could be brave, but to be not dying, and yet . . . and yet to [be] behind a wall, watching everyone fit in where I can't, to talk behind a gray foggy wall, to live but to not reach or to reach wrong . . . to do it all wrong . . . believe me, (can you?) . . . what's wrong. I want to belong. I'm like a [person] who ends up in the wrong country. I'm not a part. I'm not a member. I'm frozen."
― Anne Sexton, Anne Sexton: A Self-Portrait in Letters
Good Old Neon: David Foster Wallace PDF (cool short story 41 pages no obligation to read it but I found it profound and entertaining, it's also thematically apropos)
Never See Me Again - Kanye West (Unreleased) (If that gets taken down here's another link: [redacted] )
Tik tok if u wanna see my reposts also check out my saved collection: [redacted]
I did it because life has become no longer worth the pain and my prospects seem bleak. Both mental and physical conditions have barred me from anything remotely approaching a normal life. I know things can change and I may in the future no longer feel this way. But I don't want to wait any longer for that. I have struggled with my mental health my whole life. I think I started to fantasize about my own death to some capacity around the 3rd grade. Suicide began to really take hold my senior year of high school, not that the desire was unceasing. There were many periods in my life where I looked back and the feeling felt alien to me.
There are significant parts of what makes a functioning, capable, and content human that are irrevocably missing from me. Even if not irrevocably missing, broken to the extent that I don't have the patience to wait for a fix. I am not surprised that my impatience would be the death of me. I've always felt that my experience of life has been in some way lacking. I am deeply neurotic to the core and feel disconnected from my own life. I had hoped that with proper psychiatric or psychological treatment as well as with the passage of time I would be able to somewhat assimilate with the rest of humanity and find my own slice of happiness. Despite my concerted efforts as well as sometimes extreme methods my psychological and physical state as well as cognition have only declined. I feel an intense nostalgia for the past and the happiness that it held despite its challenges. I am deeply grateful for the good times I've had on earth and the people that made them possible. I think what really separates the haves and have-nots of the world is not a list of externals but one's own conscience experience. For a blind man the only difference between standing in front of a Monet and graffiti in an alley is the sound of traffic.
I don't really desire death even now, simply an escape. I am perpetually overwhelmed, anxiety won't let me be. I am under little false allusions that my death will lead to anything beyond oblivion. Before coming to Catholic school I was tormented as a child with the idea of oblivion. That terror was replaced with a great fear for hell until I would leave the Church more than a decade after. I don't see it as altogether impossible that there is something interesting to see after death and that idea however unlikely does excite me.
A good poker player knows when to fold their hand. I guess this is a bad time to mention that I was never any good at poker. Unfortunately I have been struggling with dystonia. I don't intend to play out a shoddy hand. I refuse to live dealing with bullshit medical issues instead of having a real life. This means even if I could deal with my mental health issues I would still be living a subpar existence. Live free or die.
I am aware to some extent the great amount of pain this will cause some people. Although I'm sure I'm unable to fully appreciate it. I don't really feel like convincing you that I did everything right. I may not have done things perfectly but I feel it is impossible to fairly judge someone else's life if you have not experienced exactly what they have.
This was no one's fault, simply a twist of fate and I don't want anyone to feel like they didn't do enough. I got more than I deserved and it wasn't enough. I don't want anyone to feel guilty or have this interfere with their lives, plans, pleasure, or productivity. I don't resent anyone and if I did resent you enough I would've told you. If you're reading this I likely loved you dearly and felt your love for me as much as I could with my deformed soul.
To my parents I know you love me more than I could ever know or nor could I ever hope to repay your sacrifices, I am sorry for the immense pain this will cause. Thank you for trying your best. There is nothing you could have done to stop this. I love you.
To my siblings I know the love you hold for me and my sweetest memories were those that we spent together. Carry on. Do not let this drag you down. Live the lives I wish I could. I love you.
To the rest of my family, thank you for your love and care. I cherish the good times we've spent together and the help you've given me both directly and indirectly. I apologize that I have turned out this way. I hope you don't see your efforts as wasted. I love you.
To my friends, thank you for putting up with me. You know me perhaps better than my family. You were at times the only bright point in my life and gave me the strength to carry on. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause psychologically or otherwise. Thank you for allowing me to speak openly and honestly. I love you.
To everyone and anyone reading I hope I left a good impression on you if you knew me. Enjoy your life. Don't kill yourself.
It was good while it lasted. We eased each other's boredom for quite a while. Well, it's been interesting.
Goodbye
"And remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." - Robin Williams
Playlists:
[redacted]
For Apple Music people these services will allow you to transfer it from spotify ideally one person would make it then share it:
[redacted]
https://www.givingwhatwecan.org/charities/helen-keller-international please donate at least $1 (preferably more) to this charity or a similar one on this website that aligns with your values and have one other person outside of my circle to do the same including finding another person.
I am hereby instructing my dad to send the $1000 I sent him to whoever makes the most liked TikTok edit of me to be awarded a year after my death. As silly as it is I've always wanted to be in a TikTok edit.
"Anne, I don't want to live. . . . Now listen, life is lovely, but I Can't Live It. I can't even explain. I know how silly it sounds . . . but if you knew how it Felt. To be alive, yes, alive, but not be able to live it. Ay that's the rub. I am like a stone that lives . . . locked outside of all that's real. . . . Anne, do you know of such things, can you hear???? I wish, or think I wish, that I were dying of something for then I could be brave, but to be not dying, and yet . . . and yet to [be] behind a wall, watching everyone fit in where I can't, to talk behind a gray foggy wall, to live but to not reach or to reach wrong . . . to do it all wrong . . . believe me, (can you?) . . . what's wrong. I want to belong. I'm like a [person] who ends up in the wrong country. I'm not a part. I'm not a member. I'm frozen."
― Anne Sexton, Anne Sexton: A Self-Portrait in Letters
Good Old Neon: David Foster Wallace PDF (cool short story 41 pages no obligation to read it but I found it profound and entertaining, it's also thematically apropos)
Never See Me Again - Kanye West (Unreleased) (If that gets taken down here's another link: [redacted] )
Tik tok if u wanna see my reposts also check out my saved collection: [redacted]
I did it because life has become no longer worth the pain and my prospects seem bleak. Both mental and physical conditions have barred me from anything remotely approaching a normal life. I know things can change and I may in the future no longer feel this way. But I don't want to wait any longer for that. I have struggled with my mental health my whole life. I think I started to fantasize about my own death to some capacity around the 3rd grade. Suicide began to really take hold my senior year of high school, not that the desire was unceasing. There were many periods in my life where I looked back and the feeling felt alien to me.
There are significant parts of what makes a functioning, capable, and content human that are irrevocably missing from me. Even if not irrevocably missing, broken to the extent that I don't have the patience to wait for a fix. I am not surprised that my impatience would be the death of me. I've always felt that my experience of life has been in some way lacking. I am deeply neurotic to the core and feel disconnected from my own life. I had hoped that with proper psychiatric or psychological treatment as well as with the passage of time I would be able to somewhat assimilate with the rest of humanity and find my own slice of happiness. Despite my concerted efforts as well as sometimes extreme methods my psychological and physical state as well as cognition have only declined. I feel an intense nostalgia for the past and the happiness that it held despite its challenges. I am deeply grateful for the good times I've had on earth and the people that made them possible. I think what really separates the haves and have-nots of the world is not a list of externals but one's own conscience experience. For a blind man the only difference between standing in front of a Monet and graffiti in an alley is the sound of traffic.
I don't really desire death even now, simply an escape. I am perpetually overwhelmed, anxiety won't let me be. I am under little false allusions that my death will lead to anything beyond oblivion. Before coming to Catholic school I was tormented as a child with the idea of oblivion. That terror was replaced with a great fear for hell until I would leave the Church more than a decade after. I don't see it as altogether impossible that there is something interesting to see after death and that idea however unlikely does excite me.
A good poker player knows when to fold their hand. I guess this is a bad time to mention that I was never any good at poker. Unfortunately I have been struggling with dystonia. I don't intend to play out a shoddy hand. I refuse to live dealing with bullshit medical issues instead of having a real life. This means even if I could deal with my mental health issues I would still be living a subpar existence. Live free or die.
I am aware to some extent the great amount of pain this will cause some people. Although I'm sure I'm unable to fully appreciate it. I don't really feel like convincing you that I did everything right. I may not have done things perfectly but I feel it is impossible to fairly judge someone else's life if you have not experienced exactly what they have.
This was no one's fault, simply a twist of fate and I don't want anyone to feel like they didn't do enough. I got more than I deserved and it wasn't enough. I don't want anyone to feel guilty or have this interfere with their lives, plans, pleasure, or productivity. I don't resent anyone and if I did resent you enough I would've told you. If you're reading this I likely loved you dearly and felt your love for me as much as I could with my deformed soul.
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