Story Ego death for you is everyday for me

[nayomi]

i just listened to the song crashout by ennaria describe suicidal episode and it feel so true.
"Ego death for you is everyday for me" i started to see my own suicidal thinking as ego death and i started behave as i behaving in having ego death in psychedelic ego death.
i feel having so much grace in my life and getting closer to the truth of things.
i feel like this forum really helps me to connect to myself and my will to live and the closer i am getting to suicide the easier it is for me to see a reason to live.
i dont really know if this practice will make me kill myself or not but it does help me mentally for now and getting through all the mental bullshit.

i feel when i being held (physically or i prevent myself) from suicide in any way i start behaving like an animal and i just want to die and feel like a miserable human being.
i feel like i just dont want to deal with any pain, big or small. my life is pretty good, i achieved a lot but i feel like i cant handle any pain at all. i guess we all here just having hard time with dealing with some kinds of pain eventually.

 

[wishiwasntborn]

when the last bit of autonomy to ctb is taken from you it feels horrible. I think I am also much more at peace with myself and death and don't feel the urgency to end it as soon as possible since I sorted out a few last things in my life and have my ctb method ready at hand