compulsoryaliveness
Member
- Oct 6, 2024
- 71
I honestly can't get my grip atm. I am, as evaluated by western psychiatry, considered in recovery.
But I'm still me. And I dunno if I have unrealistic standards, or whether people are actually just pretty fucked to each other.
I am probably part of the problem. I have been taught since I was a child, by the relentless pursuit of psychiatry upon myself, that if I look around and see nothing but problems with my social world, I am the problem.
But when I zoom out? Wtf is wrong with people? It's a double edged sword being a crazy person in their 30s who has internalised all faults of others as an individual problem. I sometimes wonder how unaware people really are, those of us who haven't been forced to psychologically rip ourselves apart. And whether that causes them to behave so poorly.
Sometimes I just feel like a doormat. Everyone who knows me knows they'll be believed over me. I am, after all, a publicly crazy person. But like... ive been taught how to be accountable. How to be sorry and convey that. How to understand that my ego will play tricks, that I will get reality wrong as a result of emotional instability.
But so many other people? They just treat me and others so badly. I can't unsee the ego in others, I wish I could.
Basically I am fed up. Even in recovery, I am surveying the world around me, including my loved ones, and thinking: wtf is wrong with you?
My tolerance is high. But with the absence of an apology or self-reflection, it leads to me the eventual place of a private ctb desire yet again.
Do I wanna live in this world? The world where my favourite people, my deeply loved people, are completely unable to see their own egos?
I'm so sick of this pendulum. It's me, it's them, etc. But none of this is enough to actually ingest the SN. I suppose I just feel like I'm waiting for a big hit. For enough of a reason. For a reduction in my relative everyday comfort.
Meanwhile, I feel lonely and look around and think: I don't want any of these peoples company. What to do? Wait to die, I suppose.
But I'm still me. And I dunno if I have unrealistic standards, or whether people are actually just pretty fucked to each other.
I am probably part of the problem. I have been taught since I was a child, by the relentless pursuit of psychiatry upon myself, that if I look around and see nothing but problems with my social world, I am the problem.
But when I zoom out? Wtf is wrong with people? It's a double edged sword being a crazy person in their 30s who has internalised all faults of others as an individual problem. I sometimes wonder how unaware people really are, those of us who haven't been forced to psychologically rip ourselves apart. And whether that causes them to behave so poorly.
Sometimes I just feel like a doormat. Everyone who knows me knows they'll be believed over me. I am, after all, a publicly crazy person. But like... ive been taught how to be accountable. How to be sorry and convey that. How to understand that my ego will play tricks, that I will get reality wrong as a result of emotional instability.
But so many other people? They just treat me and others so badly. I can't unsee the ego in others, I wish I could.
Basically I am fed up. Even in recovery, I am surveying the world around me, including my loved ones, and thinking: wtf is wrong with you?
My tolerance is high. But with the absence of an apology or self-reflection, it leads to me the eventual place of a private ctb desire yet again.
Do I wanna live in this world? The world where my favourite people, my deeply loved people, are completely unable to see their own egos?
I'm so sick of this pendulum. It's me, it's them, etc. But none of this is enough to actually ingest the SN. I suppose I just feel like I'm waiting for a big hit. For enough of a reason. For a reduction in my relative everyday comfort.
Meanwhile, I feel lonely and look around and think: I don't want any of these peoples company. What to do? Wait to die, I suppose.
