I cant possibly imagine what an ideal life would look like for me. I am who I am because of all the shit that's been thrown my way, and in how I've grown and reacted to it. The single biggest thing an "ideal" version of myself would be is to have been born and assigned female at birth, but then that nullifies my very existence as a transwoman. Me being trans defines who I am, among many many other things. But it is the biggest one. And an ideal future version of me is terrifying. If everything suddenly starts going right, all of my dreams become real, and I suddenly *am* the woman I always imagine I *could* be, what next? Where do I go from there? Theres nothing to aspire to anymore, and the threat of failure is gone. I would be living a life that I couldn't even recognize as my own. To be perfect, to be ideal, is to cease being human.
If my ideal life is simply being safe, secure, loved, and satisfied, then I would still ctb. I transitioned because I felt that in my heart, it not only was the right thing to do but I would have done it if it killed me. Choosing my own path based on what I feel in my heart is all that matters to me. It, to use a word, is my Ideal. If I ever lost my ability to have deep reflective meditation with myself, if I ever lost my sense of self, I would be worse than dead. I would cease to be me. My heart and intuition tell me that the bus is coming soon, and so even an ideal version of me would ctb.