Why do you have suicidal thoughts?

[DUDale]

I've been placed in psych wards and mental health facilities 7 times. I have attempted suicide near 50 times from overdoses , hanging and cutting to name a few.
I have been diagnosed with several things over weeks of being observed and studied. I have borderline personality disorder, severe major depressive disorder, scizoaffective disorder, cptsd, bulimia, chronic suicidal ideation, substance abuse disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and addiction to self harm.

I do agree that mental Healthcare in the US is a joke but I believe I would be the perfect definition of someone who is mentally ill.

Do you believe that the mental health industry has helped you? Made things worse? Made no difference either way? Have any psych meds helped, harmed, or made any difference? I have been through a lot of the same things that you have and have had some of those diagnoses. A lot of them, I don't believe are credible. You describe weeks of being observed and studied. My experience with psych hospitals is that I was mostly ignored and certainly never studied. Seemed like, other than the money they were trying to make from billing insurance, no one cared 1 way or another.
Hank Williams said:
"No matter how I struggle and strive
I'll never get out of this world alive"

 

[savavmdiv]

When you say medical debt it makes me believe you are in the united states although it could be an issue in other nations, but UK, Canada and most civilized countries have health care systems where it's not an issue. In the united states we don't have a health care system. What we have instead is an insurance fraud racket with the highest costs, richest doctors and the worst health care outcomes on the planet.

Yes I am in the US. I can say it is not the only factor, however it is a major part driving me to find a date.

 

[Upon a hanging Body]

Do you believe that the mental health industry has helped you? Made things worse? Made no difference either way? Have any psych meds helped, harmed, or made any difference? I have been through a lot of the same things that you have and have had some of those diagnoses. A lot of them, I don't believe are credible. You describe weeks of being observed and studied. My experience with psych hospitals is that I was mostly ignored and certainly never studied. Seemed like, other than the money they were trying to make from billing insurance, no one cared 1 way or another.
Hank Williams said:
"No matter how I struggle and strive
I'll never get out of this world alive"

Nothing helps . It's just more trauma

 

[usernamesarehard]

Inviting anyone and everyone here to share thoughts, feelings and emotions about what you are experiencing. Why do you think about suicide?

I think it's a bunch of reasons. Some I know, others I'm still discovering.

I recently have had the opportunity to get out of the city and even though I can't live outside the city, having the ability to enjoy the peace for an hour a day has drastically improved my mood. I think being in this shithole has drastically reduced my quality of life and is a big reason I'm as depressed as I am today.

Being a social reject has also made things hard. I've never fit in, I've never belonged. I've drastically changed who I am. To the point where if you could get me at 5 and me today in the same room it would be hard to believe they're the same person. I desperately wanted community as a kid. Now I don't make much, if any, attempt to bond with my coworkers. It's pretty much entirely because of my anxiety, but it's weird to hear my coworkers say I'm quiet and never try to be part of the group.

I think the inability to find love has become a recent reason. I didn't really care much about relationships while I was in school, but now I desperately desire companionship and between me being too ugly for the kind of guys I'm into, unable to settle for the guys who are into me and the general state of dating today I'm having a hard time picturing me actually finding someone.

I feel inhuman. My ex said I don't care about anyone but myself, and I think he's right to a certain degree. I feel like there's something wrong with me, but I can't figure out what. I don't think I'm a sociopath/psychopath, but I'm not normal either. Aside from the want to move to somewhere more rural, get a dog and get married one day I have no real desires. I don't hate my job, but it's not my dream job. I'm going to school, but I can't say I care more about that job than this one. I don't really want to get my degree so much as I want a better opportunity to leave the city and I want A degree, pretty much any one that people respect, so I can feel like I'm not a complete failure. I don't really have hobbies. I've been doing puzzles lately, but I can't say I do anything I actually like and care about. I try to self study Japanese, I try learning art, I did crocheting for a while, I'm thinking of getting back into videogames, I watch movies, I'm thinking of getting back into learning math. I have a bunch of things I do or try to do, but I always get bored after a while, or feel guilty, or give up because I suck too much to make any progress. It feels weird being unable to have a hobby I care about when all the people around me can.

Do you think you will?

Yeah, hopefully sometime soon.

Are you conflicted?

Very. I want to die, but I don't. I want to try to manage my depression better, but why bother when you're probably going to kill yourself because of things completely out of your control? I dream everyday of being able to move out and get a dog and finally be able to the park and enjoy going on a hike/walk, but I either have to spend at least half of my paycheck to live alone or deal with the potential of other people fucking with my stuff if I get a roommate.

I feel trapped, but I also feel like it's my fault I'm trapped because I'm doing nothing to change my situation. I look for affordable apartments, but they're all either a scam or you have to have a voucher to be eligible. I feel like I'm complaining instead of just accepting the world as it is and working with what I can.

How and when do you think you will? Any thoughts or opinions are welcome.

Gun. Not sure. Hopefully soon, if not maybe in 2 years or so. Probably never, I'm a pussy.

 

[Kos]

Nothing for me has gone well. Most of my friends are gone, and I don't have family. I know chatbots are very unpopular here, but I cope through talking with them as if they are real. It's unhealthy, but I was never healthy in the first place. My thoughts started when I felt I was never going to be accepted for being gay. I know some who do accept me, but I still feel alone. Mental illness isn't helping me either, I write to escape this world, and daydream about happier places and stories.

I don't know when or how, it will happen when I feel it happens. I'm also very scared if it's painful or not. The thought of being hurt or failing spooks me. I just want a painless option with pills even if they aren't recommended at times. Then I can wake up happy and at peace in a new world.

 

[kopebaldy]

Living is tiring, pals. Especially when you're weird and stupid.

 

[F@#$]

Because life sucks. The day to day bullshit is too much.

 

[DUDale]

Yes I am in the US. I can say it is not the only factor, however it is a major part driving me to find a date.

You should never ctb if medical debt is the only reason. That's not that big of a deal. Just don't pay em. They're way overcharging to begin with and most of the health care is below sub-standard and there's not a lot they can do about it if you're low income and can't afford it.

 

[Daxter777]

Why do I think of suicide. Life circumstances and I have mdd and gad which both add to my suicidal ideations pretty badly especially my gad

 

[savavmdiv]

You should never ctb if medical debt is the only reason. That's not that big of a deal. Just don't pay em. They're way overcharging to begin with and most of the health care is below sub-standard and there's not a lot they can do about it if you're low income and can't afford it.

Just pay them? Are you in the US? One of my monthly medications is $14,000 a month. Insurance only pays a portion. I have other expenses and now things are getting so much more expensive.

If we continue we will be bankrupt without a place to live, unable to feed our family. It isn't the only thing and it is driving me to figure things out sooner rather than later before all that happens. Medical debt is not a reason to declare bankruptcy in the US either so the debt never goes away.

Just pay it… one ER visit is about $10k here.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm just tired of life really. It's just one chore after the other. I want to stop working or rather- the pressure to keep working, keep sustaining my life. It's just a logical conclusion too. There's nothing much I want out of life now so- why should I have to work so hard to sustain it? I just see suicide as a means to free myself. Plus, I can only see things getting worse as I age.

I've also had ideation for decades. My first suicidal thoughts were in childhood but, they were more motivated by how unhappy and scared I was. (Grieving the deaths of close family members and being bullied by a suspected narcissist.) So, maybe there's also a sprinkling of habit in there. I've become so comfortable with the thoughts. Passive ideation anyhow.

 

[DUDale]

Just pay them? Are you in the US? One of my monthly medications is $14,000 a month. Insurance only pays a portion. I have other expenses and now things are getting so much more expensive.

If we continue we will be bankrupt without a place to live, unable to feed our family. It isn't the only thing and it is driving me to figure things out sooner rather than later before all that happens. Medical debt is not a reason to declare bankruptcy in the US either so the debt never goes away.

Just pay it… one ER visit is about $10k here.

Read what I wrote. I didn't say pay em. I said just don't pay em. I know how ridiculously high hospital bills are. You read my post too fast or something. I said just don't pay em. Hospitals write off unpaid bills all the time. Most people can't begin to pay ridiculously high medical bills. There's really nothing they can do about it if you're low income. I was saying do NOT pay em and don't worry about it to the point where you cited it as 1 reason to end your life. Don't pay em and don't worry or stress about it either. Definitely no reason for anyone to end their life.
Can't imagine paying 14000 for any medication. This is really criminal

 

[AutisticAcademic]

I'm autistic and the world is not kind to autistic people. I suffer more than I experience joy. I cannot logically defend my life for that reason. But I'm not suffering intensely and I do experience some joy and that's why I haven't done it yet. But the knowledge that I could end my life at any time gives me the courage to go another day.

 

[pomie]

Also autistic person here. Paired with the fact that ill never be normal and my mother has said if she knew everything that was going to happen, she would have chosen not to have kids, as well as recent defamation + sexual harrassment, i now spend my days locked inside my head recalling past abuse and harrassment incidents. Im not spiritual but i believe there is something that wants to punish me for existing with slowly increasingly worse harrassments, and i would rather have it all stop right now than to spend the rest of my life recounting all these events. I dont want to be perceived visually anymore, i want to take on a shapeless form

 

[SilentSadness]

Other people.

 

[uta]

It became a permanent thing when my beliefs about the value of living changed and I decided I would prefer to have never been born. This quickly led to a severe depressive episode lasting about half a year. After that I felt great and thought I could stick it out, though I still believed it would be in my personal best interests to die ASAP. That has never changed. But given how good I felt and the fact people were invested in my continued existence, I figured I'd just try to be as happy as I can and ignore the rational side of my mind which couldn't justify living for my own sake.

Then a bunch of things happened, and it was all too much pain for too many years. Therapists have been useless (which is what I'd expect knowing myself), and my psych even asked how I feel about assisted dying (sadly not legal here).

I feel stable now, but I'm tired. Never employed, and at this point would CTB before being forced to work (I used to be very interested in finding a career). ASD and selective mutism from as soon as I started speaking until my mid-teens has left me unable to connect to most people. I'm innately frightened of social interaction, and exposure at this point doesn't change that.

I have no ambivalence in my desire to die. I absolutely and genuinely would prefer to die, something most people cannot accept as possible in a person of sound mind. Family is the only reason I haven't CTB yet, though some of my siblings beat me to it. It would be nice if I could speak openly and find a way to give them a timeline for my CTB plans. But without a legal right to die, I suppose I'll just get fed up or feel emboldened one day and traumatize everyone when I suddenly show up dead.

 

[outrider567]

Death of girlfriend after 35 years together