Help Why did feeling loved and understood trigger my first act of self-harm?

[pendulum_swings]

Recently, something happened that should have been a good thing. But instead of only feeling those positive emotions, I became overwhelmed in a way I don't fully understand, and I ended up harming myself for the first time. I even used to think that I would never actually do this. But when I was in that state, I still chose to do it.

I have thought about self-harm many times, but the consequences made me ultimately not act on it, even though it was still a tempting option. Nobody around me knows about my situation.
That was the first time I ignored its consequences and took action. I thought I was very calm at that moment. I made all the necessary preparations and quickly treated the wound. I was even slightly disappointed that it did not have the stress-relieving effect I had imagined. But at that moment, I felt like I had no other way to cope, and found myself thinking about trying it again in the future. After that, for a period of time, I experienced recurring and increasingly intense suicidal thoughts.


Going back to the title, I genuinely don't understand why things turned out this way. I am certain that the person who brought me this happiness would never want me to react like this because of them, and I intend to keep this from them.

Sorry if my expression was a bit confusing. But I really hope to receive any thoughts, advice, or replies. Thank you for reading.

 

[FF777]

i don't know for certain, but here is one theory: people have a certain expectation for what they think they deserve.. if their situation gets too crappy then their energy kind of says "no! i don't want this level of crappiness in my life!" and their energy and actions work to bring up their situation back to a level that they think is adequate for them selves..

but it works the other way too.. when overly good things happen to people some times they feel like they don't deserve quite that much happiness or good fortune, and their energy will work to compensate for it by bringing things back down to their normal level.. kind of like a feeling of "wow, so many good things are happening today, some thing has to go wrong soon."..

so you might analyze the reasons behind why the good thing ended up being processed through your lens as some thing that ended up needing to be compensated by doing harm to your self.. and you might try to see if you can alter your foundational state of mind in to believing that you are worthy and deserving of good things like that happening to you.. i think the fact that you even went out to make this post like you did shows that there is some sort of degree or inkling of desire to change with in you..

also my advice: don't cut your self; it leaves scars for the rest of your life.. i still have stupid scars on my arms from back from when i was an edgy teenager (i'm 44 years old now)..

stay cool..

 

[pendulum_swings]

but it works the other way too.. when overly good things happen to people some times they feel like they don't deserve quite that much happiness or good fortune, and their energy will work to compensate for it by bringing things back down to their normal level.. kind of like a feeling of "wow, so many good things are happening today, some thing has to go wrong soon."..

I think that makes sense.

so you might analyze the reasons behind why the good thing ended up being processed through your lens as some thing that ended up needing to be compensated by doing harm to your self.. and you might try to see if you can alter your foundational state of mind in to believing that you are worthy and deserving of good things like that happening to you.. i think the fact that you even went out to make this post like you did shows that there is some sort of degree or inkling of desire to change with in you..

Perhaps I wasn't in the clearest state of mind at that time, but I will give it a try.

also my advice: don't cut your self; it leaves scars for the rest of your life.. i still have stupid scars on my arms from back from when i was an edgy teenager (i'm 44 years old now)..

The wound has already healed now, although there is still a little mark left. Ah, I really hope it won't turn into a scar... (wow! (Thank you for taking the time to give such a thoughtful reply! )