It's not my main reason, but i do admit it, if i looked more like i want to, i'd have less suicidal thoughts.
I'd still have them, but you know, less.
I wouldn't even call myself terrible looking, but i'm below average, especially because i'm obese.
Everytime i'm at a party, my self esteem goes to the ground, cuz everywhere i look i see men that are much better looking than me, like, every single one of them.
The thing is, i don't even want to be the standard kind of good looking, a "chad" or whatever, i just wish i looked more like i feel.
I went to a friend's house yesterday along side other friends of ours (our town has very few covid cases and we were mostly cautious).
Eventually we got a bit drunk, and we started talking about stuff we didn't talk about usually, like our emo phases, how we liked the look and the music.
I remembered how i hated the way i looked at the time, and how that reflects why i still hate it.
I've always hated being tall, large, obese, tan skinned, curly haired, big nose, ugly teeth, hunchback/bad posture, dark eyed, everything about me.
I've always wanted to be average height, skinny, more pale, light eyes, have a more feminine look in a way, face especially, that kind of look, a "preety boy" i guess.
Like, i know it sounds dumb, but it sucks looking at the mirror and seeing the reflection of something you don't relate to.
It especially makes me feel dumb when crying, cuz i have this brute look, it's usually seen in media as something comical, you know, this huge guy being sensible.
I wish i actually looked more sensible and fragile, and of course, more attractive as well.
Like, i'm still gonna cry, but i wish i looked pretty while doing it, instead of a joke.