Autumn Blaze
Sounds of Silence
- May 25, 2026
- 7
So I'm seeing a therapist currently. I've been trying really hard to hide my issues from the people in my life. "Just keep it to therapy! We can't help you," they all say, and then the therapist only helps me for the moment, usually an hour each week, and for the next few hours after I'm momentarily okay. Once she's gone, I spiral off the deep end again. We have discussed medications - currently, theres a 6 month wait for those. 
But currently, I feel a pit of terror in my stomach and I shake and the world is spinning, so I have panic attacks basically every day.
I have had prior CTB attempts, and they have been related to jumping off a bridge. Both times I chickened out, and never actually jumped off, but when the third time comes, it'll really happen. I am scared because I want to live, but I also would love to die, more than I want to continue living (at this point, I feel like I need to be institutionalized, but they don't let you do that unless you're really gonna do it, because then you're a burden on the healthcare system otherwise! Haha!)
I have harmed myself. I have thought for the last month and a half (almost near constantly, at least daily) about CTB via my method, and drowning in the water below. Called every phone line I can think of in my country so far, almost constantly, compulsively. I so deeply want the distress in my body to stop. But I can't. Anything I do will make things worse.
Can't talk to my friends about this - that's awkward and they will think I'm fucked in the head anyways. Can't see the therapist enough. I have been hiding this from my parents but now they know, and my partner knows the full extent of my pain too by now, which is extremely embarrassing and shameful. All that does is just transfer the pain to someone else.
Can't reach out to people who lead my community to finally get rid of the guy that's made my thoughts worse, who was transphobic to me and has made me feel like not a real person in a way I've bottled up, out of the community I spend most of my time meeting people in IRL: it happened in person and vocally, and no one else saw or heard of it, and now it's too late. "It's just drama, and he's a good person," everyone says. Why can't I just shut up and believe them like I was? Why am I blowing up about this now.
He's done other things, that are fairly serious, but the victims of that aren't ready to come out to the coordinators and they've come out to me about that before this, so I am left to shove it down and just pretend that things don't happen to my friends.
Can't even go to an event I was really looking forward to, too - I told one of my friends I was reporting that guy to event coordinators. Turns out, they all wanted me to have never said anything, and it was a big fucking mistake to make, because they need to come forwards first. It's not actionable. Nothing I ever do is actionable for people.
Now, they all get to go to an event that I wanted to be part of too, and it's hurting me that I can't go. I am told this is good for me. Because I'm insane and unstable: "Get rid of your tickets, we have someone else who wants to go," they say.
It hurts, but it's right, but my emotions don't tell me it's right because they say "you will CTB on the weekend when everyone is gone and no one cares about you, and they will never have to think of you again."
So I sit here. Self aware and typing on a computer, I sit here. And I let the distress travel through my body. And I have vivid visions of myself being teared apart, and maimed, of my head being cut off and if I'm not having those disturbing thoughts, I'm having disturbing thoughts about others.
I can't believe these people get to stay around in my community and just go unpunished. It's awful. I keep putting myself in harms way and having to deal with this shit… I think to myself, maybe I want it, deep down inside. And then I navigate to WPD. Maybe I always have.
It's a lot. I am sorry to the poor soul who has to read this cognitohazard of a message, there is nothing we can do.
But currently, I feel a pit of terror in my stomach and I shake and the world is spinning, so I have panic attacks basically every day.I have had prior CTB attempts, and they have been related to jumping off a bridge. Both times I chickened out, and never actually jumped off, but when the third time comes, it'll really happen. I am scared because I want to live, but I also would love to die, more than I want to continue living (at this point, I feel like I need to be institutionalized, but they don't let you do that unless you're really gonna do it, because then you're a burden on the healthcare system otherwise! Haha!)
I have harmed myself. I have thought for the last month and a half (almost near constantly, at least daily) about CTB via my method, and drowning in the water below. Called every phone line I can think of in my country so far, almost constantly, compulsively. I so deeply want the distress in my body to stop. But I can't. Anything I do will make things worse.
Can't talk to my friends about this - that's awkward and they will think I'm fucked in the head anyways. Can't see the therapist enough. I have been hiding this from my parents but now they know, and my partner knows the full extent of my pain too by now, which is extremely embarrassing and shameful. All that does is just transfer the pain to someone else.
Can't reach out to people who lead my community to finally get rid of the guy that's made my thoughts worse, who was transphobic to me and has made me feel like not a real person in a way I've bottled up, out of the community I spend most of my time meeting people in IRL: it happened in person and vocally, and no one else saw or heard of it, and now it's too late. "It's just drama, and he's a good person," everyone says. Why can't I just shut up and believe them like I was? Why am I blowing up about this now.
He's done other things, that are fairly serious, but the victims of that aren't ready to come out to the coordinators and they've come out to me about that before this, so I am left to shove it down and just pretend that things don't happen to my friends.
Can't even go to an event I was really looking forward to, too - I told one of my friends I was reporting that guy to event coordinators. Turns out, they all wanted me to have never said anything, and it was a big fucking mistake to make, because they need to come forwards first. It's not actionable. Nothing I ever do is actionable for people.
Now, they all get to go to an event that I wanted to be part of too, and it's hurting me that I can't go. I am told this is good for me. Because I'm insane and unstable: "Get rid of your tickets, we have someone else who wants to go," they say.
It hurts, but it's right, but my emotions don't tell me it's right because they say "you will CTB on the weekend when everyone is gone and no one cares about you, and they will never have to think of you again."
So I sit here. Self aware and typing on a computer, I sit here. And I let the distress travel through my body. And I have vivid visions of myself being teared apart, and maimed, of my head being cut off and if I'm not having those disturbing thoughts, I'm having disturbing thoughts about others.
I can't believe these people get to stay around in my community and just go unpunished. It's awful. I keep putting myself in harms way and having to deal with this shit… I think to myself, maybe I want it, deep down inside. And then I navigate to WPD. Maybe I always have.
It's a lot. I am sorry to the poor soul who has to read this cognitohazard of a message, there is nothing we can do.
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