unhinged, rambly rant incoming:
i wish i could have been born a different animal (or preferably as nothing at all) because i'm not cut out for this humanity thing. maybe i'm childish and dumb at 21 years old (not maybe -- i am), but i can't fathom why people think it's a good idea to have kids, like, ever, but especially when they'll be entering a world that is stiflingly awful in which they may not even want to live. my mom had my brother and i at 50 (i always win the old parent contest) and she's always been single and i've asked her why she had us and her response is "i wanted a family"
like... okay??? that's TOO FUCKING BAD. you went through all this trouble to give birth to us as a single woman only to stay a workaholic and now you only have one kid left after the other one descended into mental and physical illness hell and went and got himself hit by a train. and your surviving child doesn't love or even like you and never has. it's weird because i appreciate all that my mom has done for me and i think i do care about her in that i don't want her to suffer, but i feel that way about everyone to some extent. if anything, i resent her secretly because it's like she went through so many hoops to have kids who ultimately should never have been born. the universe basically set her up to not have children and she insisted on defying that arrangement, and look at how well that's gone! god, i hate it.
sometimes i wonder what it would be like to not have been born doomed and with a fucked up brain, but those thoughts are pretty useless because i'm already me. i just feel stuck here now because i'm afraid my mom might not "get over" me killing myself. with that being said, she seems so functional and normal on the outside even after losing my brother, so maybe she would be okay. when i tell her about what's going on in my brain, she doesn't relate. having a normal, non-depressed brain seems like having armor around it. but i can't die just yet because i don't want her to be sad or lonely.
it's really gross of me, but i feel somewhat fortunate that my mom is on the older side. maybe she'll die sooner rather than later (but not too soon because i can't deal with the shit she'll leave behind. #hoarder parents amirite). then i'll be free to go
i'm posting here both to get my stupid thoughts from my stupid little brain into words and also in hopes of this possibly being a relatable or cathartic read for somebody on here. also, i'm just a tad lonely. aaaaughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i suck
I felt this way at age 21 and at 30 still do. Now I live with serious brain damage from failed suicides. We should all make sure that when we attempt, there are no loopholes for failure in our plans. That is the most important thing. Living with the consequences of a failed suicide is worse than life was before trying.
Some people say suicidality is caused by physical toxins in the brain and once you detoxify your brain you'll be free from it, but I dont want to live to begin with now that most of my brain is damaged and gone.
This. Only those who've been there know. I'm an orphan after running away from a sadistic parent who tortured their own child, me, for years----just to let out steam that had nothing to do with me. Obviously to deal with this this person kept me isolated and made sure I had no friends to talk to.
If you have never been in a place where nobody knows you at all, you have no one in your life, nobody knows your real history, no one to care whether you lived or died on the street, whether you were in serious danger; you keep experiencing serious dangers in life of all kinds, and you only experience oppression from humans..
your mind goes to a place where you don't see humans as humans. You start to learn that humans are monsters and you are the only human in the world, and you need to defend yourself/ make yourself known/ make yourself important. I know for a fact this is the place from which the most hideous acts by humans are born, like mass murder/ serial killing etc. All these things are justified from that state of mind.
It's insanity. You become insane. Just like you do if you were in isolation imprisonment. It is really better to be dead than alive feeling this. Again, you don't know unless you've been there.
Luckily for me, I was in that place only temporarily ---despite it being far too many years---before I made a friend who I can say is a better person to have in my life than my parents or siblings. But still there is an indescribable fear knowing this is the only person in the world I can trust, and if this person dies, I lose my entire family entire community and all friends.
But now that I have the experience of having one person in life that I could trust, I guess I won't ever go back to that state of insanity.
Despite all this, because of the rest of my life, I'd rather be dead.
Have you ever been a Orphan before? if you have... you would understand how cold the world actually is .... and you would understand why your mother said she want a family..
family is all we have.... please look around ... without family... there is nothing.... people may give you a smile , a hug, but what can they do beyond that.....
even if they really want to help but they CANNOT, this is how the world is , we are alone here... untill we meet god.....
please..... family ... even just one ... is what we have now..... save each other... if it is still bearable ....
This. Only those who've been there know. I'm an orphan after running away from a sadistic parent who tortured their own child, me, for years----just to let out steam that had nothing to do with me. Obviously to deal with this this person kept me isolated and made sure I had no friends to talk to.
If you have never been in a place where nobody knows you at all, you have no one in your life, nobody knows your real history, no one to care whether you lived or died on the street, whether you were in serious danger; you keep experiencing serious dangers in life of all kinds, and you only experience oppression from humans..
your mind goes to a place where you don't see humans as humans. You start to learn that humans are monsters and you are the only human in the world, and you need to defend yourself/ make yourself known/ make yourself important. I know for a fact this is the place from which the most hideous acts by humans are born, like mass murder/ serial killing etc. All these things are justified from that state of mind.
It's insanity. You become insane. Just like you do if you were in isolation imprisonment. It is really better to be dead than alive feeling this. Again, you don't know unless you've been there.
Luckily for me, I was in that place only temporarily ---despite it being far too many years---before I made a friend who I can say is a better person to have in my life than my parents or siblings. But still there is an indescribable fear knowing this is the only person in the world I can trust, and if this person dies, I lose my entire family entire community and all friends.
But now that I have the experience of having one person in life that I could trust, I guess I won't ever go back to that state of insanity.
Despite all this, because of the rest of my life, I'd rather be dead.
Have you ever been a Orphan before? if you have... you would understand how cold the world actually is .... and you would understand why your mother said she want a family..
family is all we have.... please look around ... without family... there is nothing.... people may give you a smile , a hug, but what can they do beyond that.....
even if they really want to help but they CANNOT, this is how the world is , we are alone here... untill we meet god.....
please..... family ... even just one ... is what we have now..... save each other... if it is still bearable ....
Could be worse, you could have a real dad that ran away when you were a baby so you know nothing about him. I myself have a real mother but I know nothing about her given my real father beat/tortured her in a country that allows this like South Korea and she had to flee leaving her babies due to financially being unable to support us.
If i were you Id look into Medical Medium info and start healing your brain and nervous system. I found this info in my 30s (literally 4 months ago) after having multiple failed suicides--with permanent consequences like a lot of my brain's grey matter is gone so my intellect is lost and I can't express myself fast enough or well enough verbally. For me it's kind of too late because I don't want to live even if I cured my brain of the toxins causing suicidality I will still have to live with the consequences of failed suicides. Brain damage, nerve damage, deformed skull, deformed spine, etc. But I'm still using the info for my physical illnesses to help with physical agony.
If I found this at age 21 I'd probably be free from suicidality or depression or severe ADHD by now and I'd be living life and liking it. Some people are just born to die by suicide I guess. I always knew that I would.
hey!! first of all i can't believe i've finally met someone else whose parents had them at or over 50 :0 hello, fellow gen Z with boomer parents!!!
it fucking sucks out here, but it could definitely be worse. i hope it gets easier for you too, even if that sounds really unattainable. sometimes we get plot twists thrown at us that end up making things a bit better... but i know how lonely it is to see everyone else with "normal" families or with parents who don't hoard :(
oh wow, that's really interesting!! to be honest i usually roll my eyes and find it obnoxious when i see other people with depressive worldviews outwardly declaring themselves as more realistic or smarter than "normal" people because they think they see things for what they really are, but i'd be lying if i said i've never felt like a realist surrounded by optimists myself :***)
i wonder if all the miraculously non-depressed people who study depression and hear from depressed people all the time are just equipped with extra layers of armor, then? i really do wish we were able to understand more about why two people could experience the exact same event with only one person coming out traumatized ("traumatized" in an observable or conventional way, at least)...
thank you for sharing :]
i'm extremely lucky to have never been an orphan or homeless or anything of the sort. i think i can sort of understand my mother maybe wanting to have kids out of loneliness, being that she was alone aside from my grandparents (and some cousins and her estranged brother). still, though... i guess i don't get why she had to have my brother and i when she barely even had time to spend with us. she could've adopted a dog instead ;_; i really feel that her life would be so much better if she never had us.
i'm sorry about your mom :( i don't know if you miss her at all but at the very least it must've been a pain to handle what she left behind all on your own. i'm dreading having to deal with that myself one day (if i'm around by then). my mom owns the house and there's stuff left in boxes dating back to when she moved here 30+ years ago. and now we also have her parents' stuff here after they died. and that's on top of all the random shit she refused to toss or donate my entire life LMAO. i'm now her only child, so all of this will fall on my shoulders like it did for you :'') i guess one way to look at it is that she won't be alive to know what i end up doing with all her stuff, so i shouldn't really be so worried about offending her somehow by donating or throwing things away... but either way, it's just so much stuff.
she had my brother and i via IVF with a male donor because she struggled to adopt as a single person. some anonymous college students gave their sperm to the sperm bank (funny because i always imagine a bank where the clients are sperm) and she chose one to have implanted in her. it does bother me a bit that i have no idea who gave me half of my DNA, especially considering that i don't look like my mom and neither did my brother.
at the moment i can't bring myself to CTB with her still alive, but maybe that'll change if i become desperate enough. but that would mean not caring if it breaks her heart and i don't regard myself as someone who would do that :( thank you for commiserating with me, though
it never gets old. i hate being here
