blackreality
This is not for you.
- Aug 3, 2026
- 2
not currently suicidal and have recovered since this happened, am in a great part of my life and my mindset has changed drastically. but im writing this to avoid having others used the methods i did
my first "attempt" was when i was 12 (barely 100lbs) and i took an entire bottle of melatonin. ofc it didnt work but it just left me sick throwing up, but thats the most aftermath it did.
a week later i took half a bottle of ibuprofen and that of course didnt work either. vomited, felt a splitting headache for days, and felt awful. this was bearable though.
a few weeks after is when i took benadryl. i dont remember how much i took at the time, but it left me with hallucinations to this day (not as frequent or realistic, i get them once every 8 months now because its been many years). i would think i was a plant needing photosynthesis to survive, i thought birds were trying to break down my door, everytime i would go to sleep i would see this tall man with a face of horror looming over me. lucid dreams were often. when i would try to wake up or scream for help, the most it would muster to would be a whisper. i was trapped in a living hell for nearly a year, constantly in fear because sleeping felt the same as being awake. nightmares were present everywhere i looked and
after that attempt, it was kinda a blur. i tried to ctb a lot with benadryl again or a combination of various pills (just taking them until i threw up basically) which definitely made the hallucinations and nightmares worse. whenever i regained strength i found myself on the floor of my bathroom again retrying what had already failed. i think over the span of 2 years i had attempted about 6-7 times with pills.
the more you try (in my experience), the more your body builds up a tolerance. it recognized when i was trying to od so whenever i would begin swallowing pills i could only get a few down before id puke it back up. even when i tried to crush them up and increase the dosage, my body would still refuse it. all this is to say that even though it failed, it was the worst part of my life. i was constantly in mental pain but the physical pain of waking up after what i thought was a successful attempt was the worst feeling ive ever felt. i could barely keep down food, i felt so weak i couldnt physically get out of bed even if i wanted to and rotted in a pile of every bodily fluid you could imagine because i lacked the strength to even roll over. it was unbearable, but i was extremely lucky to even have those symptoms because of how small i was at the time. it could have been MUCH worse.
i considered shooting myself because i had access to guns in my house but i didnt want to make a mess for my family to clean up. i also heard stories of people trying and surviving a miserable life, so i didnt really. one night though i was so anxious i grabbed a revolver without really looking at it and shot it at my head. i didnt know it was empty but the rush was amazing. off topic though
when i was about 15 i tried to ctb again with pills (mainly benadryl again). it had been so long the tolerance had wore off so i could take a large dosage but it still didnt work and i ended up getting my stomach pumped. not only did i feel physically awful, but that sensation made it a million times worse. it was not only embarrassing that everyone knew about my failure but i also couldve been put into permanent psychiatric care. a miracle i wasnt.
anyway to sum it up: if you plan to ctb with pills i would advise against it because 9 times out of 10 it will not work and leave you worse off. it also leaves a mess for you to clean up if you dont want your family dealing with it instead. it leads to the worst short-term affects and the long-term ones will still probably be present. you may not be as lucky as me and will probably end up with worse symptoms.
my first "attempt" was when i was 12 (barely 100lbs) and i took an entire bottle of melatonin. ofc it didnt work but it just left me sick throwing up, but thats the most aftermath it did.
a week later i took half a bottle of ibuprofen and that of course didnt work either. vomited, felt a splitting headache for days, and felt awful. this was bearable though.
a few weeks after is when i took benadryl. i dont remember how much i took at the time, but it left me with hallucinations to this day (not as frequent or realistic, i get them once every 8 months now because its been many years). i would think i was a plant needing photosynthesis to survive, i thought birds were trying to break down my door, everytime i would go to sleep i would see this tall man with a face of horror looming over me. lucid dreams were often. when i would try to wake up or scream for help, the most it would muster to would be a whisper. i was trapped in a living hell for nearly a year, constantly in fear because sleeping felt the same as being awake. nightmares were present everywhere i looked and
after that attempt, it was kinda a blur. i tried to ctb a lot with benadryl again or a combination of various pills (just taking them until i threw up basically) which definitely made the hallucinations and nightmares worse. whenever i regained strength i found myself on the floor of my bathroom again retrying what had already failed. i think over the span of 2 years i had attempted about 6-7 times with pills.
the more you try (in my experience), the more your body builds up a tolerance. it recognized when i was trying to od so whenever i would begin swallowing pills i could only get a few down before id puke it back up. even when i tried to crush them up and increase the dosage, my body would still refuse it. all this is to say that even though it failed, it was the worst part of my life. i was constantly in mental pain but the physical pain of waking up after what i thought was a successful attempt was the worst feeling ive ever felt. i could barely keep down food, i felt so weak i couldnt physically get out of bed even if i wanted to and rotted in a pile of every bodily fluid you could imagine because i lacked the strength to even roll over. it was unbearable, but i was extremely lucky to even have those symptoms because of how small i was at the time. it could have been MUCH worse.
i considered shooting myself because i had access to guns in my house but i didnt want to make a mess for my family to clean up. i also heard stories of people trying and surviving a miserable life, so i didnt really. one night though i was so anxious i grabbed a revolver without really looking at it and shot it at my head. i didnt know it was empty but the rush was amazing. off topic though
when i was about 15 i tried to ctb again with pills (mainly benadryl again). it had been so long the tolerance had wore off so i could take a large dosage but it still didnt work and i ended up getting my stomach pumped. not only did i feel physically awful, but that sensation made it a million times worse. it was not only embarrassing that everyone knew about my failure but i also couldve been put into permanent psychiatric care. a miracle i wasnt.
anyway to sum it up: if you plan to ctb with pills i would advise against it because 9 times out of 10 it will not work and leave you worse off. it also leaves a mess for you to clean up if you dont want your family dealing with it instead. it leads to the worst short-term affects and the long-term ones will still probably be present. you may not be as lucky as me and will probably end up with worse symptoms.
