reloadmyrifle
waterbottle
- Apr 7, 2024
- 3
Im ready to CTB. There are many reasons why. I've been dealing with my depression for over 5 years. I've tried so hard to find a reason to be alive and it seems like it doesn't get any better.
I talk about alot of sensitive topics so please skip this post if you think it will affect you. I just want to vent and finally feel seen.
I grew up in an extremely emotionally unstable household. My mother remarried my father with 2 kids who were my half brothers. I lived in a big house in Virginia and I think that was probably the happiest I was. I had a group of friends I would go to the woods with and spend time with all the time.
But at home my dad would hit me for tiny things like leaving the socks out. I would get answers wrong on a test and instead of getting me a tutor my dad would force me to do squats and push ups and hit me. I remember this vividly. The embarrassment and shame I felt. I used to be so scared of my dad because he would always yell at me and my younger brother (my full brother) over small things. When this stuff would happen I wanted to die. I was around 5 when i would first imagine myself falling down the stairs and escaping my household. My parents would always yell at each other and it used to scare me so much. I didn't realize how much they hated each other at the time. I think everyone took their anger out on me and my younger brother. I was so sick of their behavior I screamed at them and i told them I was running away. They chased me down and yelled at me. My younger brother did this too and he got hit for doing it. No one would take my cries and sadness as serious because I was just a kid.
When I was around 10 I was forced to move out with just my mom and my brothers to Rexas my dad stayed behind for work (or at least thats what i was told). There my mom would always be out cheating on my dad. My mom would come home drunk and throw up everywhere and my half brothers would have to take care of me they were 16 and 17. They were so neglectful and one of my half brothers ended up continously SA me The first time actually happened in the house in Virginia and he told me if I told anyone we would both get in trouble.He would do it in the bathroom in his bedroom. I felt so disgusting. My mom always preferred my brothers over me and I knew it. Me and my younger brother were scared of sleeping alone so I would always sleep with my mom on the bed. There my younger brother would get all the cuddles and kisses and I would be sleeping with a pillow dividing my brother and my mom and then it was just me. All alone. I was severely malnourished as a kid and I wouldn't eat properly because my siblings didn't do jack shit neither did my mom.I was just a laughing stock to my half brothers. When my mom would bring the little amount of food my fucking half brothers would eat all of it.
My school life wasn't even better. Because my mom was super neglectful I ended up outcasted by my peers in Texas. I would have greasy hair because I wouldn't wash myself correctly and I would be wearing the same clothes over and over again because I didn't know any better. All I wanted was friends, but nobody wanted to be friends with the greasy ugly girl who can't take care of herself. I was made fun of constantly. The only thing that I did was Brazilian jiu jitzu that my mom would force me into. After my mom moved away from my dad my mom started to be the one to hit me. But this time she would also hit my stomach or spank me with a spatula really hard. If I didnt go my mom would hit me and yell at me. I remember there was a kool-aid spill and I got yelled at for it but really it was my younger brother. So I got hit for it and then my younger brother came forward and said he did it and then my mom told him not to do it again, but where was that energy for me? Anyways I faced the rape, the loneliness, and abuse for 2 years. Until the police were called to my house. For some context I would pull out my hair and imagine me killing my family to cope with my trauma. I know it's extreme but I had so much bottled up trauma and no one to talk to and with the covid lock down I felt even more loneliness. I wrote down a manifesto at the age of 12 basically saying how I wanted to kill my entire family and that my brother raped me. I wrote this inside of a google doc on my school email and a teacher had accessed my email account to check a paper I wrote and ended up finding my manifesto. I remember on a Friday morning I was sleeping next to my mom when the school had called.I had actually opened up to my mother about my brother raping me but instead of calling the police she kept it hidden and told me not to tell my father. I actually slept with knives under my bed because It would calm all the trauma I faced.
know it's terrible but my sadness turned into anger. I never acted out on my anger.. well I did. I had a family dog thay my older brother picked out and I ended up hitting it alot. I regret it so much and everytime I would go to visit Texas to see my mom I would feed it tuna
After the police were called to my house my brother finally got arrested and I was send to a mental hospital and I stayed there for 2 weeks. The mental hospital was genuine hell.The nurses treated me like shit. They were rude and the patients there was so racist to me for being asian and made me feel even more ostracized than before. I finally got out and CPS came to talk to me. I was so scared because I didn't want my family to fall apart because I felt like it was my fault. My older brother ( the eldest one) Told me it was my fault for writing that note which just validated that feeling even more. Maybe it's because he felt bad that his half brothers was in custody for raping someone. but I was also his sibling too and it hurt to know that no one was on my side.
My dad ended up finding all of this out and drove 24 hours straight to see me. He was so sad and struck with grief. I ended up moving far away from my mom and they ended up getting a divorce. My dad found out that my mom was cheating on her. Well he actually always knew but kept it together for the sake of us. but after he found out it was his last straw. I thought my life was going to get better and at first it was. I was actually happy again and I felt seen.
He would take me and my younger brother out to go eat and travel the world (to the best of his ability.. covid made it hard) I ended up in Chicago living with my grandparents who were korean. I didn't know any ounce of Korean so that language barrier was very apparent. Anyways I did online school, but I was very socially behind. discord was a huge part of my life. I made alot of online friends and that made me even more socially recluse. By the time everyone was back into school I adapted traits that were "weird". I had so much hate inside of my heart from everything and I ended up being a bully and I started making fun of everyone. These people who actually wanted to be my friend and did nothing wrong had to face the most ugliest side of me. I would conatantly.make fun of this girls nose or another's girls acne. I knew it was because I hated myself deep down and I didn't want to get hurt again. So I was known as the mean weird kid who just bullies everyone and I was alone again.
My dad was great at first, but his shitty mental health only showed more and more. I felt like I had to constantly walk on egg shells or else he'd just yell and yell. Or act like a complete cry baby even though he was supposed to be the parent. He would always yell at me for the smallest things like leaving water on the sink or leaving a wrapper on the counter. He would lecture me for over 2 hours to the point where I would just block it out. He thinks that if he repeated it over and over again then I would actually follow through, but I would really just tune out my voice. My dad stopped hitting me during this time, but it didn't stop him from breaking my things and I honestly think that was the worst part. Things that would make me happy he would take. He would also constantly judge me. My mom would neglect my hygiene in texas and because of that I wouldn't wear deodorant and when he would pick me up from school he would also say "you fucking stink" "do your classmates not say anything?" or that my hair was greasy and he would always judge my classmates and me and that made me even hate my classmates more as well as myself. In Illinois I grew to be so hateful and I realized I picked it up from my dad. I would even make fun for my younger brother for having greasy hair as well because I thought it would help him realize he needs to change his habits. He ended up using my dad's hair gel and my dad got mad at him for using it and my younger brother explained to him that I told him that his hair was greasy. I hated my younger brother for telling my dad that but I understand now that it wasn't my brothers intention for me to get yelled at by my dad, but that made me resent my younger brother even more. I think I was jealous that my parents would baby him, but I was always pushed aside. Freshman year I moved out of my grandparents house and I started and I ended up acting out at school. I would act overly egotistical and my classmates would hate me for it. I ended upover shared with my counselor. I ended up dropping a vape in my English class and got called to the counselors office. There I acted out like crazy like banging my head on the wall because I was so scared of my dad finding out. I don't know what he would do. The school said I could avoid ISS if I went to a mental hospital so I ended up going back again. It was better than last time but it didn't really help that much. I would cut myself alot my freshman year and my dad would get mad at me and yell at me for it.
I remember when my brother had asked me to do the dishes and I said no because I simply thought that he was trying to make me do his chores. My brother ended up telling my dad that and he my dad went full fucking psycho mode
he barged into my room and said "you wanna say no to me? after everything I do for you?" he ended up breaking my keyboard and mouse and speakers on my pc and moved a bunch of moving boxes in my room making it hard to walk and yelled at me for over 4 hours. This was all over me not doing the dishes. Anyways living with my dad was so mentally draining. I would try to kill myself by tying clothed against my neck and I would try to choke my self. After the age of 12 all the times I wanted to kill myself was because of my dad. MmI was just so tired of being yelled at and even more emotionally neglected like he didn't even bother hearing out my side of the story. Actually he never hears me out in any of these arguements like this. I ended up making a mess in the kitchen and I got kicked out of my room and I ended up sleeping in the living room cause apparently I was "ungrateful" for the room I had. He thinks of himself as a savior as if I owe him for the fact that he took me in, but really he just has to face the facts of being a shitty dad. He thinks he knows me more than anyone else in this world he always had this saying " I understand you more than you understand youself" Keep in mind he hasn't even lived with me for 6 years of my life. He doesnt understand my pain or thought process and he thinks he knows me? My dad is a raging narcissist who thinks I should be on my knees for the fact that he took my out of a situation in Texas.
I hold so much resentment towards my dad more than my mom
My dad is worse than my mom only because he thinks of himself as the victim rather than someone who has to face the consequences of his actions. He viewed his children as nothing more than toys or things to take my anger out of. He would always call himself a terrible father and would cry to me. He would always say if he was a good father than I wouldn't have ended up this way, but he acts as if he was not part of the problem and instead of changing my dad would just run away from his parental problems even in today.
Anyways I moved again in Virginia but this time in a different area. Things actually got better for me. I grew up and I realized how I acted. My sophmore year I tried hard to be friends with people, but I would always over share or act too much and it annoyed people. I have a hard time socializing with people if you couldn't tell and covid certainly didn't help developing my social skills. But I ended up finding a group of people I thoight were cool and I stuck with them. But I would get into a lot of issues with them and so I ended up dropping them. My relationship with my dad only worsened but this is when I realized that I was done with everyone's bullshit. I started yelling back at my dad, and he even ended up punching a whole in my wall. I would exit my house sometimes if the argument got too much and I came back to all of my stuff packed up in a box and then my dad threatened to send me back to my mom. My dad would always say this in Virginia and Illinois because he's a little bitch that runs away from his problems rather than facing it (I digress) but long story short my mom ended up moving in with us. Divorced parents in the same house wow. It wasn't as bad as I expected and my mom changed alot. She realized that she messed up in raising me and has tried so hard to make ammends for it. Which my dad can't seem to do, and I think thats the major difference in why I can forgive my mom but hold so much hate for my dad. If my dad showed an ounce of remorse by just not yelling at me or just acting like a dad for once then maybe I'd have a different opinion of it.
He spends all of his time in his room, and when I asked him for a new set of headphones and mic he texted me saying how I only use him for his money. I didn't ask him for anything for a really long time before that because my Dad made money his entire personality. However, the only reason why I asked him is because during his tantrums that he has monthly he ended up breaking
Im ready to CTB. There are many reasons why. I've been dealing with my depression for over 5 years. I've tried so hard to find a reason to be alive and it seems like it doesn't get any better.
I grew up in an extremely emotionally unstable household. My mother remarried my father with 2 kids who were my half brothers. I lived in a big house in Virginia and I think that was probably the happiest I was. I had a group of friends I would go to the woods with and spend time with all the time.
But at home my dad would hit me for tiny things like leaving the socks out. I would get answers wrong on a test and instead of getting me a tutor my dad would force me to do squats and push ups and hit me. I remember this vividly. The embarrassment and shame I felt. I used to be so scared of my dad because he would always yell at me and my younger brother (my full brother) over small things. When this stuff would happen I wanted to die. I was around 5 when i would first imagine myself falling down the stairs and escaping my household. My parents would always yell at each other and it used to scare me so much. I didn't realize how much they hated each other at the time. I think everyone took their anger out on me and my younger brother. I was so sick of their behavior I screamed at them and i told them I was running away. They chased me down and yelled at me. My younger brother did this too and he got hit for doing it. No one would take my cries and sadness as serious because I was just a kid.
When I was around 10 I was forced to move out with just my mom and my brothers to texas my dad stayed behind for work (or at least thats what i was told). There my mom would always be out cheating on my dad. My mom would come home drunk and throw up everywhere and my half brothers would have to take care of me they were 16 and 17. They were so neglectful and one of my half brothers ended up continously raping me. The first time actually happened in the house in Virginia and he told me if I told anyone we would both get in trouble.He would do it in the bathroom in his bedroom. I felt so disgusting. My mom always preferred my brothers over me and I knew it. Me and my younger brother were scared of sleeping alone so I would always sleep with my mom on the bed. There my younger brother would get all the cuddles and kisses and I would be sleeping with a pillow dividing my brother and my mom and then it was just me. All alone. I was severely malnourished as a kid and I wouldn't eat properly because my siblings didn't do jack shit neither did my mom.I was just a laughing stock to my half brothers. When my mom would bring the little amount of food my fucking half brothers would eat all of it.
My school life wasn't even better. Because my mom was super neglectful I ended up outcasted by my peers in Texas. I would have greasy hair because I wouldn't wash myself correctly and I would be wearing the same clothes over and over again because I didn't know any better. All I wanted was friends, but nobody wanted to be friends with the greasy ugly girl who can't take care of herself. I was made fun of constantly and it didnt help I was openly lesbian at the time(Yes a 4th and 5th grader can conceptualize the idea of queerness) The only thing that I did was Brazilian jiu jitzu that my mom would force me into. After my mom moved away from my dad my mom started to be the one to hit me. But this time she would also hit my stomach or spank me with a spatula really hard. If I didnt go my mom would hit me and yell at me. I remember there was a kool-aid spill and I got yelled at for it but really it was my younger brother. So I got hit for it and then my younger brother came forward and said he did it and then my mom told him not to do it again, but where was that energy for me? Anyways I faced the rape, the loneliness, and abuse for 2 years. Until the police were called to my house. For some context I would pull out my hair and imagine me killing my family to cope with my trauma. I know it's extreme but I had so much bottled up trauma and no one to talk to and with the covid lock down I felt even more loneliness. Anyways I would write a manifesto at the age of 12 basically saying how I wanted to kill my entire family and that my brother raped me. I wrote this inside of a google doc on my school email and a teacher had accessed my email account to check a paper I wrote and ended up finding my manifesto. I remember on a Friday morning I was sleeping next to my mom when the school had called.I had actually opened up to my mother about my brother raping me but instead of calling the police she kept it hidden and told me not to tell my father. I actually slept with knives under my bed because It would calm all the trauma I faced.
know it's terrible but my sadness turned into anger. I never acted out on my anger.. well I did. I had a family dog thay my older brother picked out and I ended up hitting it alot. I regret it so much and everytime I would go to visit Texas to see my mom I would feed it tuna
After the police were called to my house my brother finally got arrested and I was send to a mental hospital and I stayed there for 2 weeks. The mental hospital was genuine hell.The nurses treated me like shit. They were rude and the patients there was so racist to me for being asian and made me feel even more ostracized than before. I finally got out and CPS came to talk to me. I was so scared because I didn't want my family to fall apart because I felt like it was my fault. My older brother ( the eldest one) Told me it was my fault for writing that note which just validated that feeling even more. Maybe it's because he felt bad that his half brothers was in custody for raping someone. but I was also his sibling too and it hurt to know that no one was on my side.
My dad ended up finding all of this out and drove 24 hours straight to see me. He was so sad and struck with grief. I ended up moving far away from my mom and they ended up getting a divorce. My dad found out that my mom was cheating on her. Well he actually always knew but kept it together for the sake of us. but after he found out it was his last straw. I thought my life was going to get better and at first it was. I was actually happy again and I felt seen.
He would take me and my younger brother out to go eat and travel the world (to the best of his ability.. covid made it hard) I ended up in Chicago living with my grandparents who were korean. I didn't know any ounce of Korean so that language barrier was very apparent. Anyways I did online school, but I was very socially behind. discord was a huge part of my life. I made alot of online friends and that made me even more socially recluse. By the time everyone was back into school I adapted traits that were "weird". I had so much hate inside of my heart from everything and I ended up being a bully and I started making fun of everyone. These people who actually wanted to be my friend and did nothing wrong had to face the most ugliest side of me. I would conatantly.make fun of this girls nose or another's girls acne. I knew it was because I hated myself deep down and I didn't want to get hurt again. So I was known as the mean weird kid who just bullies everyone and I was alone again. All alone again.
My dad was great at first, but his shitty mental health only showed more and more. I felt like I had to constantly walk on egg shells or else he'd just yell and yell. Or act like a complete cry baby even though he was supposed to be the parent. He would always yell at me for the smallest things like leaving water on the sink or leaving a wrapper on the counter. He would lecture me for over 2 hours to the point where I would just block it out. He thinks that if he repeated it over and over again then I would actually follow through, but I would really just tune out my voice. My dad stopped hitting me during this time, but it didn't stop him from breaking my things and I honestly think that was the worst part. Things that would make me happy he would take. He would also constantly judge me. My mom would neglect my hygiene in texas and because of that I wouldn't wear deodorant and when he would pick me up from school he would also say "you fucking stink" "do your classmates not say anything?" or that my hair was greasy and he would always judge my classmates and me and that made me even hate my classmates more as well as myself. In Illinois I grew to be so hateful and I realized I picked it up from my dad. I would even make fun for my younger brother for having greasy hair as well because I thought it would help him realize he needs to change his habits. He ended up using my dad's hair gel and my dad got mad at him for using it and my younger brother explained to him that I told him that his hair was greasy. I hated my younger brother for telling my dad that but I understand now that it wasn't my brothers intention for me to get yelled at by my dad, but that made me resent my younger brother even more. I think I was jealous that my parents would baby him, but I was always pushed aside. Freshman year I moved out of my grandparents house and I started and I ended up acting out at school. I would act overly egotistical and my classmates would hate me for it. I ended upover shared with my counselor. I ended up dropping a vape in my English class and got called to the counselors office. There I acted out like crazy like banging my head on the wall because I was so scared of my dad finding out. I don't know what he would do. The school said I could avoid ISS if I went to a mental hospital so I ended up going back again. It was better than last time but it didn't really help that much. I would cut myself alot my freshman year and my dad would get mad at me and yell at me for it.
I remember when my brother had asked me to do the dishes and I said no because I simply thought that he was trying to make me do his chores. My brother ended up telling my dad that and he my dad went full fucking psycho mode
he barged into my room and said "you wanna say no to me? after everything I do for you?" he ended up breaking my keyboard and mouse and speakers on my pc and moved a bunch of moving boxes in my room making it hard to walk and yelled at me for over 4 hours. This was all over me not doing the dishes. Anyways living with my dad was so mentally draining. I would try to kill myself by tying clothed against my neck and I would try to choke my self. After the age of 12 all the times I wanted to kill myself was because of my dad. MmI was just so tired of being yelled at and even more emotionally neglected like he didn't even bother hearing out my side of the story. Actually he never hears me out in any of these arguements like this. I ended up making a mess in the kitchen and I got kicked out of my room and I ended up sleeping in the living room cause apparently I was "ungrateful" for the room I had. He thinks of himself as a savior as if I owe him for the fact that he took me in, but really he just has to face the facts of being a shitty dad. He thinks he knows me more than anyone else in this world he always had this saying " I understand you more than you understand youself" Keep in mind he hasn't even lived with me for 6 years of my life. He doesnt understand my pain or thought process and he thinks he knows me? My dad is a raging narcissist who thinks I should be on my knees for the fact that he took my out of a situation in Texas.
I hold so much resentment towards my dad more than my mom
My dad is worse than my mom only because he thinks of himself as the victim rather than someone who has to face the consequences of his actions. He viewed his children as nothing more than toys or things to take my anger out of. He would always call himself a terrible father and would cry to me. He would always say if he was a good father than I wouldn't have ended up this way, but he acts as if he was not part of the problem and instead of changing my dad would just run away from his parental problems even in today.
Anyways I moved again in Virginia but this time in a different area. Things actually got better for me. I grew up and I realized how I acted. My sophmore year I tried hard to be friends with people, but I would always over share or act too much and it annoyed people. I have a hard time socializing with people if you couldn't tell and covid certainly didn't help developing my social skills. But I ended up finding a group of people I thoight were cool and I stuck with them. But I would get into a lot of issues with them and so I ended up dropping them. I actually had success in dating when I moved in Virginia again I actually started caring about myself and working on my appearance and stuff. But I was still an insecure bastard and I ended up hurting my then girlfriend (my ex) who was there for me and actually hear me out. My relationship with my dad only worsened but this is when I realized that I was done with him. I started yelling back at my dad, and he even ended up punching a whole in my wall. I would exit my house sometimes if the argument got too much and I came back to all of my stuff packed up in a box and then my dad threatened to send me back to my mom. My dad would always say this in Virginia and Illinois because he's a little bitch that runs away from his problems rather than facing it (I digress) but long story short my mom ended up moving in with us. Divorced parents in the same house wow. It wasn't as bad as I expected and my mom changed alot. She realized that she messed up in raising me and has tried so hard to make ammends for it. Which my dad can't seem to do, and I think thats the major difference in why I can forgive my mom but hold so much hate for my dad. If my dad showed an ounce of remorse by just not yelling at me or just acting like a dad for once then maybe I'd have a different opinion of it.
He spends all of his time in his room, and when I asked him for a new set of headphones and mic he texted me saying how I only use him for his money. I didn't ask him for anything for a really long time before that because my Dad made money his entire personality. However, the only reason why I asked him is because during his tantrums that he has monthly he ended up breaking my speakers and so I felt like it was right if he replaced them.
This past week made me realize that
I have no friends, no family, no romance. I have nothing to live for and I'm more lost than ever. I know I typed this like am angry little kid but I wanted to just type whatever was on my mind as my last post I wanted this to be as unfiltered as possible.
I talk about alot of sensitive topics so please skip this post if you think it will affect you. I just want to vent and finally feel seen.
I grew up in an extremely emotionally unstable household. My mother remarried my father with 2 kids who were my half brothers. I lived in a big house in Virginia and I think that was probably the happiest I was. I had a group of friends I would go to the woods with and spend time with all the time.
But at home my dad would hit me for tiny things like leaving the socks out. I would get answers wrong on a test and instead of getting me a tutor my dad would force me to do squats and push ups and hit me. I remember this vividly. The embarrassment and shame I felt. I used to be so scared of my dad because he would always yell at me and my younger brother (my full brother) over small things. When this stuff would happen I wanted to die. I was around 5 when i would first imagine myself falling down the stairs and escaping my household. My parents would always yell at each other and it used to scare me so much. I didn't realize how much they hated each other at the time. I think everyone took their anger out on me and my younger brother. I was so sick of their behavior I screamed at them and i told them I was running away. They chased me down and yelled at me. My younger brother did this too and he got hit for doing it. No one would take my cries and sadness as serious because I was just a kid.
When I was around 10 I was forced to move out with just my mom and my brothers to Rexas my dad stayed behind for work (or at least thats what i was told). There my mom would always be out cheating on my dad. My mom would come home drunk and throw up everywhere and my half brothers would have to take care of me they were 16 and 17. They were so neglectful and one of my half brothers ended up continously SA me The first time actually happened in the house in Virginia and he told me if I told anyone we would both get in trouble.He would do it in the bathroom in his bedroom. I felt so disgusting. My mom always preferred my brothers over me and I knew it. Me and my younger brother were scared of sleeping alone so I would always sleep with my mom on the bed. There my younger brother would get all the cuddles and kisses and I would be sleeping with a pillow dividing my brother and my mom and then it was just me. All alone. I was severely malnourished as a kid and I wouldn't eat properly because my siblings didn't do jack shit neither did my mom.I was just a laughing stock to my half brothers. When my mom would bring the little amount of food my fucking half brothers would eat all of it.
My school life wasn't even better. Because my mom was super neglectful I ended up outcasted by my peers in Texas. I would have greasy hair because I wouldn't wash myself correctly and I would be wearing the same clothes over and over again because I didn't know any better. All I wanted was friends, but nobody wanted to be friends with the greasy ugly girl who can't take care of herself. I was made fun of constantly. The only thing that I did was Brazilian jiu jitzu that my mom would force me into. After my mom moved away from my dad my mom started to be the one to hit me. But this time she would also hit my stomach or spank me with a spatula really hard. If I didnt go my mom would hit me and yell at me. I remember there was a kool-aid spill and I got yelled at for it but really it was my younger brother. So I got hit for it and then my younger brother came forward and said he did it and then my mom told him not to do it again, but where was that energy for me? Anyways I faced the rape, the loneliness, and abuse for 2 years. Until the police were called to my house. For some context I would pull out my hair and imagine me killing my family to cope with my trauma. I know it's extreme but I had so much bottled up trauma and no one to talk to and with the covid lock down I felt even more loneliness. I wrote down a manifesto at the age of 12 basically saying how I wanted to kill my entire family and that my brother raped me. I wrote this inside of a google doc on my school email and a teacher had accessed my email account to check a paper I wrote and ended up finding my manifesto. I remember on a Friday morning I was sleeping next to my mom when the school had called.I had actually opened up to my mother about my brother raping me but instead of calling the police she kept it hidden and told me not to tell my father. I actually slept with knives under my bed because It would calm all the trauma I faced.
know it's terrible but my sadness turned into anger. I never acted out on my anger.. well I did. I had a family dog thay my older brother picked out and I ended up hitting it alot. I regret it so much and everytime I would go to visit Texas to see my mom I would feed it tuna
After the police were called to my house my brother finally got arrested and I was send to a mental hospital and I stayed there for 2 weeks. The mental hospital was genuine hell.The nurses treated me like shit. They were rude and the patients there was so racist to me for being asian and made me feel even more ostracized than before. I finally got out and CPS came to talk to me. I was so scared because I didn't want my family to fall apart because I felt like it was my fault. My older brother ( the eldest one) Told me it was my fault for writing that note which just validated that feeling even more. Maybe it's because he felt bad that his half brothers was in custody for raping someone. but I was also his sibling too and it hurt to know that no one was on my side.
My dad ended up finding all of this out and drove 24 hours straight to see me. He was so sad and struck with grief. I ended up moving far away from my mom and they ended up getting a divorce. My dad found out that my mom was cheating on her. Well he actually always knew but kept it together for the sake of us. but after he found out it was his last straw. I thought my life was going to get better and at first it was. I was actually happy again and I felt seen.
He would take me and my younger brother out to go eat and travel the world (to the best of his ability.. covid made it hard) I ended up in Chicago living with my grandparents who were korean. I didn't know any ounce of Korean so that language barrier was very apparent. Anyways I did online school, but I was very socially behind. discord was a huge part of my life. I made alot of online friends and that made me even more socially recluse. By the time everyone was back into school I adapted traits that were "weird". I had so much hate inside of my heart from everything and I ended up being a bully and I started making fun of everyone. These people who actually wanted to be my friend and did nothing wrong had to face the most ugliest side of me. I would conatantly.make fun of this girls nose or another's girls acne. I knew it was because I hated myself deep down and I didn't want to get hurt again. So I was known as the mean weird kid who just bullies everyone and I was alone again.
My dad was great at first, but his shitty mental health only showed more and more. I felt like I had to constantly walk on egg shells or else he'd just yell and yell. Or act like a complete cry baby even though he was supposed to be the parent. He would always yell at me for the smallest things like leaving water on the sink or leaving a wrapper on the counter. He would lecture me for over 2 hours to the point where I would just block it out. He thinks that if he repeated it over and over again then I would actually follow through, but I would really just tune out my voice. My dad stopped hitting me during this time, but it didn't stop him from breaking my things and I honestly think that was the worst part. Things that would make me happy he would take. He would also constantly judge me. My mom would neglect my hygiene in texas and because of that I wouldn't wear deodorant and when he would pick me up from school he would also say "you fucking stink" "do your classmates not say anything?" or that my hair was greasy and he would always judge my classmates and me and that made me even hate my classmates more as well as myself. In Illinois I grew to be so hateful and I realized I picked it up from my dad. I would even make fun for my younger brother for having greasy hair as well because I thought it would help him realize he needs to change his habits. He ended up using my dad's hair gel and my dad got mad at him for using it and my younger brother explained to him that I told him that his hair was greasy. I hated my younger brother for telling my dad that but I understand now that it wasn't my brothers intention for me to get yelled at by my dad, but that made me resent my younger brother even more. I think I was jealous that my parents would baby him, but I was always pushed aside. Freshman year I moved out of my grandparents house and I started and I ended up acting out at school. I would act overly egotistical and my classmates would hate me for it. I ended upover shared with my counselor. I ended up dropping a vape in my English class and got called to the counselors office. There I acted out like crazy like banging my head on the wall because I was so scared of my dad finding out. I don't know what he would do. The school said I could avoid ISS if I went to a mental hospital so I ended up going back again. It was better than last time but it didn't really help that much. I would cut myself alot my freshman year and my dad would get mad at me and yell at me for it.
I remember when my brother had asked me to do the dishes and I said no because I simply thought that he was trying to make me do his chores. My brother ended up telling my dad that and he my dad went full fucking psycho mode
he barged into my room and said "you wanna say no to me? after everything I do for you?" he ended up breaking my keyboard and mouse and speakers on my pc and moved a bunch of moving boxes in my room making it hard to walk and yelled at me for over 4 hours. This was all over me not doing the dishes. Anyways living with my dad was so mentally draining. I would try to kill myself by tying clothed against my neck and I would try to choke my self. After the age of 12 all the times I wanted to kill myself was because of my dad. MmI was just so tired of being yelled at and even more emotionally neglected like he didn't even bother hearing out my side of the story. Actually he never hears me out in any of these arguements like this. I ended up making a mess in the kitchen and I got kicked out of my room and I ended up sleeping in the living room cause apparently I was "ungrateful" for the room I had. He thinks of himself as a savior as if I owe him for the fact that he took me in, but really he just has to face the facts of being a shitty dad. He thinks he knows me more than anyone else in this world he always had this saying " I understand you more than you understand youself" Keep in mind he hasn't even lived with me for 6 years of my life. He doesnt understand my pain or thought process and he thinks he knows me? My dad is a raging narcissist who thinks I should be on my knees for the fact that he took my out of a situation in Texas.
I hold so much resentment towards my dad more than my mom
My dad is worse than my mom only because he thinks of himself as the victim rather than someone who has to face the consequences of his actions. He viewed his children as nothing more than toys or things to take my anger out of. He would always call himself a terrible father and would cry to me. He would always say if he was a good father than I wouldn't have ended up this way, but he acts as if he was not part of the problem and instead of changing my dad would just run away from his parental problems even in today.
Anyways I moved again in Virginia but this time in a different area. Things actually got better for me. I grew up and I realized how I acted. My sophmore year I tried hard to be friends with people, but I would always over share or act too much and it annoyed people. I have a hard time socializing with people if you couldn't tell and covid certainly didn't help developing my social skills. But I ended up finding a group of people I thoight were cool and I stuck with them. But I would get into a lot of issues with them and so I ended up dropping them. My relationship with my dad only worsened but this is when I realized that I was done with everyone's bullshit. I started yelling back at my dad, and he even ended up punching a whole in my wall. I would exit my house sometimes if the argument got too much and I came back to all of my stuff packed up in a box and then my dad threatened to send me back to my mom. My dad would always say this in Virginia and Illinois because he's a little bitch that runs away from his problems rather than facing it (I digress) but long story short my mom ended up moving in with us. Divorced parents in the same house wow. It wasn't as bad as I expected and my mom changed alot. She realized that she messed up in raising me and has tried so hard to make ammends for it. Which my dad can't seem to do, and I think thats the major difference in why I can forgive my mom but hold so much hate for my dad. If my dad showed an ounce of remorse by just not yelling at me or just acting like a dad for once then maybe I'd have a different opinion of it.
He spends all of his time in his room, and when I asked him for a new set of headphones and mic he texted me saying how I only use him for his money. I didn't ask him for anything for a really long time before that because my Dad made money his entire personality. However, the only reason why I asked him is because during his tantrums that he has monthly he ended up breaking
Im ready to CTB. There are many reasons why. I've been dealing with my depression for over 5 years. I've tried so hard to find a reason to be alive and it seems like it doesn't get any better.
I grew up in an extremely emotionally unstable household. My mother remarried my father with 2 kids who were my half brothers. I lived in a big house in Virginia and I think that was probably the happiest I was. I had a group of friends I would go to the woods with and spend time with all the time.
But at home my dad would hit me for tiny things like leaving the socks out. I would get answers wrong on a test and instead of getting me a tutor my dad would force me to do squats and push ups and hit me. I remember this vividly. The embarrassment and shame I felt. I used to be so scared of my dad because he would always yell at me and my younger brother (my full brother) over small things. When this stuff would happen I wanted to die. I was around 5 when i would first imagine myself falling down the stairs and escaping my household. My parents would always yell at each other and it used to scare me so much. I didn't realize how much they hated each other at the time. I think everyone took their anger out on me and my younger brother. I was so sick of their behavior I screamed at them and i told them I was running away. They chased me down and yelled at me. My younger brother did this too and he got hit for doing it. No one would take my cries and sadness as serious because I was just a kid.
When I was around 10 I was forced to move out with just my mom and my brothers to texas my dad stayed behind for work (or at least thats what i was told). There my mom would always be out cheating on my dad. My mom would come home drunk and throw up everywhere and my half brothers would have to take care of me they were 16 and 17. They were so neglectful and one of my half brothers ended up continously raping me. The first time actually happened in the house in Virginia and he told me if I told anyone we would both get in trouble.He would do it in the bathroom in his bedroom. I felt so disgusting. My mom always preferred my brothers over me and I knew it. Me and my younger brother were scared of sleeping alone so I would always sleep with my mom on the bed. There my younger brother would get all the cuddles and kisses and I would be sleeping with a pillow dividing my brother and my mom and then it was just me. All alone. I was severely malnourished as a kid and I wouldn't eat properly because my siblings didn't do jack shit neither did my mom.I was just a laughing stock to my half brothers. When my mom would bring the little amount of food my fucking half brothers would eat all of it.
My school life wasn't even better. Because my mom was super neglectful I ended up outcasted by my peers in Texas. I would have greasy hair because I wouldn't wash myself correctly and I would be wearing the same clothes over and over again because I didn't know any better. All I wanted was friends, but nobody wanted to be friends with the greasy ugly girl who can't take care of herself. I was made fun of constantly and it didnt help I was openly lesbian at the time(Yes a 4th and 5th grader can conceptualize the idea of queerness) The only thing that I did was Brazilian jiu jitzu that my mom would force me into. After my mom moved away from my dad my mom started to be the one to hit me. But this time she would also hit my stomach or spank me with a spatula really hard. If I didnt go my mom would hit me and yell at me. I remember there was a kool-aid spill and I got yelled at for it but really it was my younger brother. So I got hit for it and then my younger brother came forward and said he did it and then my mom told him not to do it again, but where was that energy for me? Anyways I faced the rape, the loneliness, and abuse for 2 years. Until the police were called to my house. For some context I would pull out my hair and imagine me killing my family to cope with my trauma. I know it's extreme but I had so much bottled up trauma and no one to talk to and with the covid lock down I felt even more loneliness. Anyways I would write a manifesto at the age of 12 basically saying how I wanted to kill my entire family and that my brother raped me. I wrote this inside of a google doc on my school email and a teacher had accessed my email account to check a paper I wrote and ended up finding my manifesto. I remember on a Friday morning I was sleeping next to my mom when the school had called.I had actually opened up to my mother about my brother raping me but instead of calling the police she kept it hidden and told me not to tell my father. I actually slept with knives under my bed because It would calm all the trauma I faced.
know it's terrible but my sadness turned into anger. I never acted out on my anger.. well I did. I had a family dog thay my older brother picked out and I ended up hitting it alot. I regret it so much and everytime I would go to visit Texas to see my mom I would feed it tuna
After the police were called to my house my brother finally got arrested and I was send to a mental hospital and I stayed there for 2 weeks. The mental hospital was genuine hell.The nurses treated me like shit. They were rude and the patients there was so racist to me for being asian and made me feel even more ostracized than before. I finally got out and CPS came to talk to me. I was so scared because I didn't want my family to fall apart because I felt like it was my fault. My older brother ( the eldest one) Told me it was my fault for writing that note which just validated that feeling even more. Maybe it's because he felt bad that his half brothers was in custody for raping someone. but I was also his sibling too and it hurt to know that no one was on my side.
My dad ended up finding all of this out and drove 24 hours straight to see me. He was so sad and struck with grief. I ended up moving far away from my mom and they ended up getting a divorce. My dad found out that my mom was cheating on her. Well he actually always knew but kept it together for the sake of us. but after he found out it was his last straw. I thought my life was going to get better and at first it was. I was actually happy again and I felt seen.
He would take me and my younger brother out to go eat and travel the world (to the best of his ability.. covid made it hard) I ended up in Chicago living with my grandparents who were korean. I didn't know any ounce of Korean so that language barrier was very apparent. Anyways I did online school, but I was very socially behind. discord was a huge part of my life. I made alot of online friends and that made me even more socially recluse. By the time everyone was back into school I adapted traits that were "weird". I had so much hate inside of my heart from everything and I ended up being a bully and I started making fun of everyone. These people who actually wanted to be my friend and did nothing wrong had to face the most ugliest side of me. I would conatantly.make fun of this girls nose or another's girls acne. I knew it was because I hated myself deep down and I didn't want to get hurt again. So I was known as the mean weird kid who just bullies everyone and I was alone again. All alone again.
My dad was great at first, but his shitty mental health only showed more and more. I felt like I had to constantly walk on egg shells or else he'd just yell and yell. Or act like a complete cry baby even though he was supposed to be the parent. He would always yell at me for the smallest things like leaving water on the sink or leaving a wrapper on the counter. He would lecture me for over 2 hours to the point where I would just block it out. He thinks that if he repeated it over and over again then I would actually follow through, but I would really just tune out my voice. My dad stopped hitting me during this time, but it didn't stop him from breaking my things and I honestly think that was the worst part. Things that would make me happy he would take. He would also constantly judge me. My mom would neglect my hygiene in texas and because of that I wouldn't wear deodorant and when he would pick me up from school he would also say "you fucking stink" "do your classmates not say anything?" or that my hair was greasy and he would always judge my classmates and me and that made me even hate my classmates more as well as myself. In Illinois I grew to be so hateful and I realized I picked it up from my dad. I would even make fun for my younger brother for having greasy hair as well because I thought it would help him realize he needs to change his habits. He ended up using my dad's hair gel and my dad got mad at him for using it and my younger brother explained to him that I told him that his hair was greasy. I hated my younger brother for telling my dad that but I understand now that it wasn't my brothers intention for me to get yelled at by my dad, but that made me resent my younger brother even more. I think I was jealous that my parents would baby him, but I was always pushed aside. Freshman year I moved out of my grandparents house and I started and I ended up acting out at school. I would act overly egotistical and my classmates would hate me for it. I ended upover shared with my counselor. I ended up dropping a vape in my English class and got called to the counselors office. There I acted out like crazy like banging my head on the wall because I was so scared of my dad finding out. I don't know what he would do. The school said I could avoid ISS if I went to a mental hospital so I ended up going back again. It was better than last time but it didn't really help that much. I would cut myself alot my freshman year and my dad would get mad at me and yell at me for it.
I remember when my brother had asked me to do the dishes and I said no because I simply thought that he was trying to make me do his chores. My brother ended up telling my dad that and he my dad went full fucking psycho mode
he barged into my room and said "you wanna say no to me? after everything I do for you?" he ended up breaking my keyboard and mouse and speakers on my pc and moved a bunch of moving boxes in my room making it hard to walk and yelled at me for over 4 hours. This was all over me not doing the dishes. Anyways living with my dad was so mentally draining. I would try to kill myself by tying clothed against my neck and I would try to choke my self. After the age of 12 all the times I wanted to kill myself was because of my dad. MmI was just so tired of being yelled at and even more emotionally neglected like he didn't even bother hearing out my side of the story. Actually he never hears me out in any of these arguements like this. I ended up making a mess in the kitchen and I got kicked out of my room and I ended up sleeping in the living room cause apparently I was "ungrateful" for the room I had. He thinks of himself as a savior as if I owe him for the fact that he took me in, but really he just has to face the facts of being a shitty dad. He thinks he knows me more than anyone else in this world he always had this saying " I understand you more than you understand youself" Keep in mind he hasn't even lived with me for 6 years of my life. He doesnt understand my pain or thought process and he thinks he knows me? My dad is a raging narcissist who thinks I should be on my knees for the fact that he took my out of a situation in Texas.
I hold so much resentment towards my dad more than my mom
My dad is worse than my mom only because he thinks of himself as the victim rather than someone who has to face the consequences of his actions. He viewed his children as nothing more than toys or things to take my anger out of. He would always call himself a terrible father and would cry to me. He would always say if he was a good father than I wouldn't have ended up this way, but he acts as if he was not part of the problem and instead of changing my dad would just run away from his parental problems even in today.
Anyways I moved again in Virginia but this time in a different area. Things actually got better for me. I grew up and I realized how I acted. My sophmore year I tried hard to be friends with people, but I would always over share or act too much and it annoyed people. I have a hard time socializing with people if you couldn't tell and covid certainly didn't help developing my social skills. But I ended up finding a group of people I thoight were cool and I stuck with them. But I would get into a lot of issues with them and so I ended up dropping them. I actually had success in dating when I moved in Virginia again I actually started caring about myself and working on my appearance and stuff. But I was still an insecure bastard and I ended up hurting my then girlfriend (my ex) who was there for me and actually hear me out. My relationship with my dad only worsened but this is when I realized that I was done with him. I started yelling back at my dad, and he even ended up punching a whole in my wall. I would exit my house sometimes if the argument got too much and I came back to all of my stuff packed up in a box and then my dad threatened to send me back to my mom. My dad would always say this in Virginia and Illinois because he's a little bitch that runs away from his problems rather than facing it (I digress) but long story short my mom ended up moving in with us. Divorced parents in the same house wow. It wasn't as bad as I expected and my mom changed alot. She realized that she messed up in raising me and has tried so hard to make ammends for it. Which my dad can't seem to do, and I think thats the major difference in why I can forgive my mom but hold so much hate for my dad. If my dad showed an ounce of remorse by just not yelling at me or just acting like a dad for once then maybe I'd have a different opinion of it.
He spends all of his time in his room, and when I asked him for a new set of headphones and mic he texted me saying how I only use him for his money. I didn't ask him for anything for a really long time before that because my Dad made money his entire personality. However, the only reason why I asked him is because during his tantrums that he has monthly he ended up breaking my speakers and so I felt like it was right if he replaced them.
This past week made me realize that
I have no friends, no family, no romance. I have nothing to live for and I'm more lost than ever. I know I typed this like am angry little kid but I wanted to just type whatever was on my mind as my last post I wanted this to be as unfiltered as possible.
