Help PTSD from failed attempts

[Maormer]

I think I gave myself PTSD after trying to kill myself. Idk if that's the appropriate term but I don't know any other way to describe it. No matter how far away I get from my attempts I can't stop remembering them, and so vividly too. I can physically feel the belt on my neck, the cool smooth leather, the pressure right on the jugular, the tightening, the choking. I can feel it as if it's really happening again. I hate it.

I'm haunted by it constantly. At work I avoid taking my ear protection off because I don't want the headphones to touch my neck, I don't wear turtlenecks anymore because they feel too much like ropes, I even had to cut a date short one time and run home out from his bed because he touched me in a way that triggered a flashback (not his fault).

I just want it to stop. I try to avoid triggers. I try to stay positive. I'm trying so hard to get better but I can't escape it. I just want to feel safe. I want to feel like I'm not dying. I want to be able to go just one day without thinking about how it felt to feel my mind fade away piece by piece.

Has this happened to anyone else? I don't know what to do. I know I did this to myself. I know I deserve it, but I don't know how to get out of this. I hate living like this. I promised I would never attempt again, so why do I need to carry this still. I tried looking into suicide related ptsd but there's not even much research on it. It feels so isolating and I still can't even tell if it's actual ptsd.

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

I'm sorry I can't relate, mate, but I do understand your pain and how hard it must be. It's good that you're trying to stay positive, and I know it's hard. It's still all up to you. You could keep trying to work with it. Maybe it'll go away. I don't know how long ago you tried or anything about psychology, but I hope for your sake it will go away. Love and peace, mate. I hope you'll be able to overcome this somehow

 

[DoubleYefreitor]

You can absolutely get ptsd from a CTB attempt. Its a situation where you faced death. I'm no shrink but those do sound a lot like ptsd symptoms.

My first attempt I took a bunch of asprin and now I can't take it anymore. I also hear the screaming of my mother when she found out I attempted echo in my brain whenever I'm reminded. I'm lucky that it doesn't effect my life much beyond that.

 

[vitbar]

I used to fear certain thoughts and memories. Fear the emotional fallout they triggered in me. Replaying over and over until it burned itself out. I'd avoid triggers to the point I couldn't live a "normal" life.

What helped me the most was exactly what I was avoiding, but done in a kinder way. I used diy exposure therapy. First I learned to self soothe, and be kinder to my emotional self. Then I started deliberately recalling those memories and, instead of trying to turn away just sitting with them, letting myself grieve and be sad about it, while telling myself my emotions are ok. Taking care not to totally wreck myself with too much too often. While I do still get those memories and thoughts, and I still feel a twinge of emotion, they are rarer, and don't wreck weeks and months of my life.

 

[heal]

I assumed I would develop PTSD surrounding the methods, locations or details of the events, but that doesn't seem to be the case after multiple occasions directly revisiting and recalling those things. Instead, I seem to have developed a slight aversion to the concept of death itself and the imagery associated with it. There are so many movies and games filled with imagery of death, gore, and decay, and I am only now hit with the weight of what I am actually looking at. It feels strange to realize most peoples' initial exposure to these things will occurr in distilled forms for the sake of entertainment, to the degree it has become an aesthetic and form of window dressing in a lot of modern art.

 

[_Minsk]

yup, that sounds like ptsd. but to fix this you cant avoid triggers sadly. if you run away from what happend, you dont process it so you stay stuck with exactly what youre describing

 

[Maormer]

yup, that sounds like ptsd. but to fix this you cant avoid triggers sadly. if you run away from what happend, you dont process it so you stay stuck with exactly what youre describing

I've been trying to confront it in slow steps. I sleep in a sweater I own with a sorta half turtleneck. It doesn't go up high or apply too much pressure but it's just enough to trigger some fear at a more manageable level, and it has kinda helped. I can wear it without feeling like I'm dying now, and I can even let someone touch my lower neck now, which is a start I guess.

Idk it feels so silly when I do these things because they're so small, but when I try to approach the memories any more directly I can't step out of them. I get swallowed up in them until I'm drowning and loose sight of land. I'm lucky if it's weak enough that I'm just barely able to pull myself to shore

I know I need to be gentle and do things at my own pace but I've been like this for a decade. It was only last year that I had a big enough breakthrough that I can (usually) handle hugs. Even the turtle neck thing took months. Am I doing it wrong? Do I need to push harder? If I end up triggering more flashbacks I worry I'll make it worse. I'll get stuck again. I just want out. There has to be a faster way