metaphorically, and I can't really live my life because of it. I've been stuck in this position for ~10 years now, stubbornly believing I have what it takes to be a functioning driver, but paralyzed at the thought of it. I imagine most people as the driver of their own vehicles, some cars travelling in packs, others solitary, and all of them navigating the lanes and pursuing their lifelong destination. I'm forced, pretty much by my own inhibitions, to watch as my vehicle rolls to a very gradual stop, with no operator to steer or give it gas. So, it's failures mount and it's ambition peters out. If I were to break my ties and regain control, I certainly wouldn't fit in with the beautiful people, but definitely mid range lol.
Not to say that my inhibitions are all that hold me back. Self reflection and noticing patterns pointed out my inherent differences from most people, chiefly in terms of my idealistic values, that ripple out and keep me from experiencing much of life. Slight, but annoying differences in mannerisms and behavior exist also. I didn't make these limits up out of nothing either, they were provided to me by my family and church, inadvertently instilling ideas in me that I took seriously and now regret putting so much stock in. Taught by my schoolmates that for reasons I still don't understand, had decided my shortcomings were unacceptable. So I'm afraid to steer, I've been taught the wrong rules of the road.
The most difficult issue to confront is who I am. My personality, my mind, doesn't like to conform or fit in anymore. I've tried that, and I get very little out of it and it feels wrong to begin with. Now, I don't hate conformity or people that fit in, I just shy away from these situations and individuals. I'm not violently against the grain to stand out. I'm more repelled. It sucks. If I were at my best, most healthy state of being, then I could reasonably experience successes of a kind, but I'd never fit in. I honestly have never really wanted much else than to just fit in.
Another symptom of who I am relates to my constriction of ambition and desire. I would like to be rich, and have a family, but I genuinely don't think I can. I couldn't navigate the complex world that rich folk do, socially and in their working life. I'd love a wife and kids so much, enough that I almost want them to just have a better husband and father before we've even met. Someone that conversely knows what they want beyond being comfortable and alive, someone that feels a whole lot and yes, fits in. If I want something, I fear there must be some wrongful expectation, some pride or greed that drives me. So I'm afraid to touch the gas pedal, for fear of losing control and wrecking what I have, or worse, hurting someone else.
I could drive, and I'd be fine, though I'd never be the best. I wouldn't die, but
1: It would be hard, and
2: It would hurt
I wouldn't say that suicide is a serious consideration of mine, but methods, locations, and the events leading up to and after the act never leave my mind. If I'm awake, I've got one eye on the bus. Of course there are bad days where I stare at it intently. I won't take a step though. I never talk about it to anyone either, even when they open up to me about their own relationship with suicide and suicidal thoughts. I listen to their brushes with death through unsuccessful attempts and have to wonder how they can have the few things I want and still want to leave. Can still go through with a wholehearted attempt when I have never even cut myself, or taken pills, or sat down with a gun and grappled with my wills. Gotta wonder how far I'll have to come before being okay. It's disheartening.
And I won't say a whole lot in response. I never have much to say. Another part of who I am that holds me back.
Yeah I know I said a good bit here, but this took me over two hours of collecting my thoughts lol, most people don't wanna wait that long.
thaanks for reading, If you've got a thought or two on any of this I invite comments, even just a rhetorical question or enigmatic coded message is cool. This is my first post here, probably gonna be the only one or one of few.
see ya around eh
should this be tagged as venting idk
Not to say that my inhibitions are all that hold me back. Self reflection and noticing patterns pointed out my inherent differences from most people, chiefly in terms of my idealistic values, that ripple out and keep me from experiencing much of life. Slight, but annoying differences in mannerisms and behavior exist also. I didn't make these limits up out of nothing either, they were provided to me by my family and church, inadvertently instilling ideas in me that I took seriously and now regret putting so much stock in. Taught by my schoolmates that for reasons I still don't understand, had decided my shortcomings were unacceptable. So I'm afraid to steer, I've been taught the wrong rules of the road.
The most difficult issue to confront is who I am. My personality, my mind, doesn't like to conform or fit in anymore. I've tried that, and I get very little out of it and it feels wrong to begin with. Now, I don't hate conformity or people that fit in, I just shy away from these situations and individuals. I'm not violently against the grain to stand out. I'm more repelled. It sucks. If I were at my best, most healthy state of being, then I could reasonably experience successes of a kind, but I'd never fit in. I honestly have never really wanted much else than to just fit in.
Another symptom of who I am relates to my constriction of ambition and desire. I would like to be rich, and have a family, but I genuinely don't think I can. I couldn't navigate the complex world that rich folk do, socially and in their working life. I'd love a wife and kids so much, enough that I almost want them to just have a better husband and father before we've even met. Someone that conversely knows what they want beyond being comfortable and alive, someone that feels a whole lot and yes, fits in. If I want something, I fear there must be some wrongful expectation, some pride or greed that drives me. So I'm afraid to touch the gas pedal, for fear of losing control and wrecking what I have, or worse, hurting someone else.
I could drive, and I'd be fine, though I'd never be the best. I wouldn't die, but
1: It would be hard, and
2: It would hurt
I wouldn't say that suicide is a serious consideration of mine, but methods, locations, and the events leading up to and after the act never leave my mind. If I'm awake, I've got one eye on the bus. Of course there are bad days where I stare at it intently. I won't take a step though. I never talk about it to anyone either, even when they open up to me about their own relationship with suicide and suicidal thoughts. I listen to their brushes with death through unsuccessful attempts and have to wonder how they can have the few things I want and still want to leave. Can still go through with a wholehearted attempt when I have never even cut myself, or taken pills, or sat down with a gun and grappled with my wills. Gotta wonder how far I'll have to come before being okay. It's disheartening.
And I won't say a whole lot in response. I never have much to say. Another part of who I am that holds me back.
Yeah I know I said a good bit here, but this took me over two hours of collecting my thoughts lol, most people don't wanna wait that long.
thaanks for reading, If you've got a thought or two on any of this I invite comments, even just a rhetorical question or enigmatic coded message is cool. This is my first post here, probably gonna be the only one or one of few.
see ya around eh
should this be tagged as venting idk
