Venting I wish people would accept me

[notsoinnocent]

I wouldn't be suprised if I sounded stupid right now but maybe I'd love myself even a little more if people didn't think of me as a weirdo for what I identify as.
I'm queer, if you really wanna be specific I'm genderqueer, asexual, and pansexual (the last one being the only one that feels socially acceptable to mention.) I feel like everyone looks at me like I'm a weirdo, it's nothing new ofc since everyone has been treating me like that for these things before I ever had a lable to put on them..

when it comes to being asexual it's like the moment I even slightly mention I just don't feel attracted to that stuff whoever I'm talking to makes it their personal mission to try to "fix" me. It never ends up working and usually either I end up cutting them off because them constantly being weird and crossing my boundaries becomes too much for me or they eventually get fed up that they can't make me want to have sex that they leave me. I've had SO many friendships end that way even with people who claimed to be in love with me that over time I've grown to feel horrible about it to the point I avoid mentioning it as much as possible to avoid judgement. I know it's not my fault nor do I blame myself since I can't control it and I never asked to be this way but people's reactions always seem so negative that I feel like even briefly mentioning it will ruin my friendships.

Onto the genderqueer part, in all honesty I haven't come out about that part yet and I'm not sure I really plan to. As of now to most of my friends, boyfriend, and on most socials I just say I'm a transboy since I guess if you extremely simplify my feelings about my gender then the closest thing you could call me is that. Mainly because I was not born a boy but I want to be referred by he/him and most masc terms BUT I dont really feel like that fits me and my gender has always been extremely complicated that it's impossible to explain to anyone!!! Another thing is that I don't make any attempt to pass since I feel extremely disconnected from my physical body to the point I don't even see it as me but also because I don't get enough dysphoria to warrent spending money on any efforts to pass (plus it's not like I'd live that long anyways.) So to the eyes of many if I were to explain that I want to be referred to as a guy but I wouldn't 100% consider myself one and I also don't look like one, I'm just a girl trying to hard to be different which is exactly why I don't want to tell anyone. I'd just rather tell people I'm a transboy who just doesn't have the money to pass nor is in a safe space to do so but I feel awful for lying about it (even though techically im not lying about the reasons Im broke and my family would prob disown me for trying to transition)

Another thing is that I feel that most people (including other queer people) hold so much hate for people who aren't queer in a more "normal" way and I'm very much one of those people so I feel awful for even existing in a way. How could I ever love myself if my own community hates me???? I know some people would prob say I shouldn't care what people online think but not only do people irl hold those same beliefs but it feels like they're even more harsh about it!! I don't hate myself for being like this because again I never asked to be like this but how am I supposed to want to live if who I am fundamentally is hated by everyone!?

 

[Cauliflour]

I wouldn't say you're weird, you just have shitty friends, according to the asexual paragraph. For the whole genderqueer thing, I don't know a lot on non-binaryism because I'm cis so idk what the feeling is like on a deeper level, but I think you should just explain that you're genderqueer. If somebody doesn't know what the term means, say that your gender identity is complicated but you like most masculine terms. Also isn't genderqueer just an older term for non-binaryism? I guess it has a more general connotation but maybe the terminology itself is something to consider.

I want to be referred to as a guy but I wouldn't 100% consider myself one and I also don't look like one

Why not just say this as a descriptor? It kinda reads like demigenderism to me with a different kind of gender expression.

Another thing is that I feel that most people (including other queer people) hold so much hate for people who aren't queer in a more "normal" way and I'm very much one of those people so I feel awful for even existing in a way. How could I ever love myself if my own community hates me???? I know some people would prob say I shouldn't care what people online think but not only do people irl hold those same beliefs but it feels like they're even more harsh about it!! I don't hate myself for being like this because again I never asked to be like this but how am I supposed to want to live if who I am fundamentally is hated by everyone!?

The kinds of people who gatekeep online are people who fuss too much over things that don't mean that much overall. I don't know what to do about the irl people because I can't relate, but seriously, don't care about the people who are fussy about queer people not being "normal" enough. Queer is queer, we're all going against the norm here, putting others down to appease the system is less effective than they think. Do you use tiktok a lot? There's a lot of losers over there who want to feel superior by calling others cringe. Also this community is massive, there's definetly places where people like you can be more open (that aren't on the suicide forum).

 

[DarkFriend.]

Well I don't hate you, and I am queer too (pan). Also I can relate to your asexual feelings. I identified as ace or at least on that spectrum up until the end of my 20s (31 now).

I'm sorry that the world has to be this way, and that sex is so important for so many people. I know it is hard. Also, I know it's doubly hard because you're trans and not queer "in a normal way" like you say.

Nothing I can say here will change things, but I just want you to know that you are heard, and you are valid, and you are not hated by all queers.

 

[catonline]

hey I'm genderqueer too! there are absolutely spaces out there that would accept you, they just might be harder to find
I feel you so hard on the "how am I supposed to want to live if who I am fundamentally is hated by everyone!?" I spend a lot of time worrying about people hating me for who I am that I could spend with the people who do care about me, it's not an easy thought to work with and hell I still struggle but connecting to the few people I do know helps a lot, do you have any safe online spaces you can be yourself in if people irl wouldn't understand?

also I've never understood the internalized queer hate in lgbtq+ spaces, like "you can be weird but not too weird!!" it makes no sense and is so hypocritical

tl;dr is not everyone hates you (I don't! I love "weird" queers) you just gotta find spaces that work for you and maybe work on caring about what other people think less? though that's much harder and I haven't fully done that sooo finding comfort and similar people might work better!