Thoughts from today.

[BitterlyAlive_]

When I fuck up, I still feel like I'm going to be berated, hit, treated like I'm a pest and looked at with contempt. Considering how often I fuck up every day at my job, or even here at home, it feels like I'm walking on eggshells nearly all the time. And then other people feel like they're walking on eggshells around me because of it. It's unfair to them; they shouldn't have to feel like that.

Goddamn, it hurts. The shame and fear get so intense and I end up crying like a little bitch. Just makes me want to isolate and hurt myself.

 

[MidnightDream]

I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better than to feel that way. You aren't a burden or a fuck up, and I'm sorry others have made you feel that way. We're all here for you

 

[theboy]

Why do you say that?
Not every time we fail is our fault.

 

[makethepainstop]

When I fuck up, I still feel like I'm going to be berated, hit, treated like I'm a pest and looked at with contempt. Considering how often I fuck up every day at my job, or even here at home, it feels like I'm walking on eggshells nearly all the time. And then other people feel like they're walking on eggshells around me because of it. It's unfair to them; they shouldn't have to feel like that.

Goddamn, it hurts. The shame and fear get so intense and I end up crying like a little bitch. Just makes me want to isolate and hurt myself.

When we make errors they can be helpful if we can consider them challenges that can be learned from. I do not know those people around you, but I don't think they are giving you any positive reinforcement. Some times I have used criticisms of myself to improve whatever I was being criticized for. There are many human beings that benefit from crying as a way to release emotional or physical tension or pain. Much love to you.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

When we make errors they can be helpful if we can consider them challenges that can be learned from. I do not know those people around you, but I don't think they are giving you any positive reinforcement. Some times I have used criticisms of myself to improve whatever I was being criticized for. There are many human beings that benefit from crying as a way to release emotional or physical tension or pain. Much love to you.

The thing is, I'm not in the same environment anymore. There are good people around who are encouraging, and try to be understanding. But it doesn't take much to basically mentally regress. Reframing, as you said, would help…if the emotional aspect, the shame and fear, weren't so strong in these moments, then maybe I could push harder to reframe. Very difficult to do in the moment, but, eh. Guess that's why you practice.

Why do you say that?
Not every time we fail is our fault.

This is true. Tbh I think it's because people would overreact to things like literal accidents, unintentional mistakes, throughout childhood and life. It's engrained and 'safer' to internalize this shit versus be upset at someone else, even if I try to be upset at someone else (for poor or unfair behavior) or think about things more objectively.

I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better than to feel that way. You aren't a burden or a fuck up, and I'm sorry others have made you feel that way. We're all here for you

Thank you. When I'm a bit calmer, like this morning, I can at least tell myself these same things. But it doesn't feel true, lol. At all.

 

[makethepainstop]

I think your normal and slightly charming.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I think your normal and slightly charming.

Ha. Thanks.