The disgusting feeling of being autistic and disabled adult

[LilGhost]

I can never fit in. People treat me like a fucking skinwalker (not even hyperbolic. My friend once joked they'd "shoot me in a forest" if seen me when I was showing shit my hypermobility allows me to do). I try to connect with people, but they dont want to connect with me. They say they do, but facts point otherwise. I hate how skin feels on me. I hate how I cant walk. I hate how people dont care. even if ill dissappear today, Ill just inconvince people having to come to my funeral. Or no one even would. No one would be looking for me. And I know it's my fault for not being able to connect with people. I feel like a fraud in human skin. A meatbag. And I dont even know wtf am I doing wrong. I tried to act like a human to my complete best. Then I tried to act like "myself". None of it seems fitting for a creature like me. And I am going insane. I wish I was being treated like a fucking person. I hate when i go to job interview and I cant even walk straight (as I put my cane away for a short period of time. It is painful to walk without it, also now my legs giving up even more often, so I have to be consciousness of walking otherwise they'll clock me as soon as i fall). But it seems interviewers notice my strange walk either way

I hate how my college peers are having active fun that i cant. I am jealous. And I hate how much discomfort being alive is. I wish I was more like a human

 

[CarbonBased]

I'm so sorry for your experience. Everybody deserves to be treated with kindness, and so do you
I should say that I have 0 confidence in this idea, but.. what if you did use your cane and said that you're just temporarily injured (e.g. skiing accident)? Depending on where you live, it might be illegal for them not to hire you due to your disability in the first place, but firing you for it after the fact is much easier to catch. If you do your job normally, they wouldn't have a good excuse to fire you, I think