This is really tragic because traumatized people become even more traumatized then. I think a lot about a friend on here who was raped by his therapist. And it is really sick when therapists do something like that in an environment that should protect them. Though, I was very naive and I feel sorry for that I thought I was safe from therapeutic abuse. I should have seen the red flags of my former therapist. I had two good therapists and two really bad. My second therapist gave up on me which was horrible for me at that time point.
My therapist who intentionally wrote lies in my medical records and even announced it prior to it. I think she considered me a loser. I was always suicidal when getting rejected by women and I think she considered that pathetic. At the same time I criticized her very often. However, she blamed me for stuff she was actually responsible for. And I could prove that in therapy. I think she didn't like me because I was a smartass. And when she lost hope in me I might provoked her by not giving a single fuck about her opinion. Lol.
When I told her that from now on we will only communicate in written form she replied I didn't expect you to be this dangerous. It gave me the feeling her actions might not have been an exception in her career. And that she might assumed I would not fight back.
And thanks to the Institution behind her she didn't receive any punishment at all. She went scott free. Even though, she contradicted herself a million times in our exchanges. And made a complete ass out of herself.
I think it is pretty disgusting and despicable when a therapist does something like that. And the exchanges with the organization behind her were also re-traumatizing.
I think my psychiatrist (who is good one) understands the predicament I am in. A person with past psychosis, with a very low life quality experiences abuse in a very vulnerable situation and there is no justice at all. I told her I lost a lot of trust in the therapeutic system. And well I think the clinic stays and opening up towards professionals saved me from Suicide in the past. And this trust has now eroded.
It is crazy how much this has hurt me. I have a guilty conscience this has affected me more than the death of my grandmother. I have nightmares since her death. Maybe I am fading it out too much. I think I am emotionally distant to my family.
I don't want to say that all therapists were abusers. But there are a few people who choose work places like Kindergardens to exploit them. I am not sure whether it was a single abuse of my therapist. Or whether it is something she does regularly. I also hoped to protect otherwise by reporting her. She disgusts me and the system behind her disgusts me too. I am still very very emotional because of this. Because in such a vulnerable state such a betrayal is very damaging and it has made my hypervigilance a lot worse. But I have become more careful. I hope anything positive would develop out of all of this.
Other perspective. I think sometimes people who were abused feel attraction subconsciously to shady people. So it goes in both directions. It can be a really nasty cycle. Sometimes I am also attracted to women where I know they are probably not good for me. Usually my rational side wins though.
I think it is really bad I shit so much on therapy on here so frequently. I think more people on here should give therapy a try. But be more careful than I was. But I was really desperate. However, I am very desillusioned and deeply hurt. I think this is trust that will never recover. And to know she was backed despite the fact the lies were obvious is so insane. I had a high trust in such Institutions in my country but I also called the organization and two times they treated me like shit. The person sort of made fun of me for being hurt and looked down at me. I am not sure how I can recover from all of that. Repeating it over and over on here might not be fair to others.
My therapist who intentionally wrote lies in my medical records and even announced it prior to it. I think she considered me a loser. I was always suicidal when getting rejected by women and I think she considered that pathetic. At the same time I criticized her very often. However, she blamed me for stuff she was actually responsible for. And I could prove that in therapy. I think she didn't like me because I was a smartass. And when she lost hope in me I might provoked her by not giving a single fuck about her opinion. Lol.
When I told her that from now on we will only communicate in written form she replied I didn't expect you to be this dangerous. It gave me the feeling her actions might not have been an exception in her career. And that she might assumed I would not fight back.
And thanks to the Institution behind her she didn't receive any punishment at all. She went scott free. Even though, she contradicted herself a million times in our exchanges. And made a complete ass out of herself.
I think it is pretty disgusting and despicable when a therapist does something like that. And the exchanges with the organization behind her were also re-traumatizing.
I think my psychiatrist (who is good one) understands the predicament I am in. A person with past psychosis, with a very low life quality experiences abuse in a very vulnerable situation and there is no justice at all. I told her I lost a lot of trust in the therapeutic system. And well I think the clinic stays and opening up towards professionals saved me from Suicide in the past. And this trust has now eroded.
It is crazy how much this has hurt me. I have a guilty conscience this has affected me more than the death of my grandmother. I have nightmares since her death. Maybe I am fading it out too much. I think I am emotionally distant to my family.
I don't want to say that all therapists were abusers. But there are a few people who choose work places like Kindergardens to exploit them. I am not sure whether it was a single abuse of my therapist. Or whether it is something she does regularly. I also hoped to protect otherwise by reporting her. She disgusts me and the system behind her disgusts me too. I am still very very emotional because of this. Because in such a vulnerable state such a betrayal is very damaging and it has made my hypervigilance a lot worse. But I have become more careful. I hope anything positive would develop out of all of this.
Other perspective. I think sometimes people who were abused feel attraction subconsciously to shady people. So it goes in both directions. It can be a really nasty cycle. Sometimes I am also attracted to women where I know they are probably not good for me. Usually my rational side wins though.
I think it is really bad I shit so much on therapy on here so frequently. I think more people on here should give therapy a try. But be more careful than I was. But I was really desperate. However, I am very desillusioned and deeply hurt. I think this is trust that will never recover. And to know she was backed despite the fact the lies were obvious is so insane. I had a high trust in such Institutions in my country but I also called the organization and two times they treated me like shit. The person sort of made fun of me for being hurt and looked down at me. I am not sure how I can recover from all of that. Repeating it over and over on here might not be fair to others.
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