Last week I had two appointments. Two times self-help groups.
And I became really paranoid at the first appointment. Because I slept badly because I have to wear a night guard. Yes, I am easy to destabilize. It is so sad to think about that.
At the second self-help group appointment I barely talked because I feared talking about my instability could destabilize me. This can happen, this isn't that rare in my case.
Tomorrow I have an appointment at an office. (I won't mention details) I will go without my mom my friends told me they fear I become even more dysfunctional if I avoid social interactions (alone) all the time. Honestly, I am not sure whether it is good to go alone. Becoming that paranoid was scary as fuck. It came really unexpected and I could imagine the time point played a role. In the morning I am more stable. The appointment tomorrow is in the morning. I am scared. I am really scared. It is so ridiculous that such minor tasks make me so anxious.
I could cry that my former therapist wrote I wasn't dysfunctional and just wanted to avoid responsiblity. She announced to write lies in my medical records because we had an argument. Though, reading my clinic reports and the official assessments about my health it is obvious that my dysfunctionality is real. I have the urge to kill myself because she wrote that in my medical records. And I lost a lot of trust in the mental health industry in my country. But I think I have to overcome that. I have to remind myself that I made many positive impressions at my clinic stays. But honestly I had four psychotherapies. And two of them did fucked up shit with me. I thought it could not become worse than what happened in 2019 but I was so wrong.
I could say it is sad I am too unstable for going to self-help groups. But that's only partly true. I think I have to do some changes in medication. And I have to get used to the people at the group. I hope at least that this helps. Maybe this will do the job to prevent me from becoming this paranoid again. I was so fucking gone. I am not sure whether the death of my grandma really had such a strong impact on that. I think the impact of the night guard on my sleep is worse. My mom asked me whether to go the funeral. Whether I changed my mind....no not really mom...but this question made me uncomfortable.
But honestly thinking about my dysfunctionality makes me want to kill myself. I don't want to dependent on help for the rest of my life. I am not even sure whether I actually would receive it. Maybe I would end up on the streets. There are some programms for people like me in my country. But honestly I would really like to kill myself when my parents are dead. All of this is so stupid. I really crave dead. Or at least nonexistence. But I only want to attempt again when I have nothing to lose. And currently I still can lose the health of my mom.
I hope the appointment tomorrow won't be another car crash. It could provoke an argument with my friends because they suggested me to go alone to this appointment. I am a grown baby . Lol. But not that many people in real life know this about me.I am sort of ashamed about it. I wish I could kill myself for it. But all the considerations you have to make when planing a suicide. It is all like a stupid fucking science project. So much could go wrong. And you might end up in a worse position. It is so fucking scary to read about brain damage in this forum. I was in a clinic for acute suicidal people. There was a young woman with brain damage. And holy shit it made me so sad seeing her and she also looked so sad. (I am not sure why I am so sure she had brain damage. Her gaze. Her body. Her gestures, She looked disabled. My guess was hanging or partial went wrong. I didn't talk to her. And I am not sure whether she was able to speak properly.. It is some years ago I met her....)
Well I have to live like a grown baby to avoid/delay that for a while. I think it is matter of time when I kill myself anyway. Or when I do damage to myself so that I will never be able to attempt again. Sadly this scenario could also happen. I learned I my planing wasn't thought-through.
The atmosphere is this clinic for acute suicidal people was very surreal. I had the feeling most people played a role. But when I talked with them they said this wasn't the case. They genuinely wanted to improve. And hoped that the clinic and therapy there did the job. (But honestly I cannot buy that now retrospectively. The therapy in this clinic was a joke. They did nothing. We barely had conversations with them. It was a joke. We had to assure them not to kill ourselves all the time. I think so guarantee they are not responsible if we did it.)
But I only talked with 2-3 in person about that. With my experience on SaSu I had the notion acute suicidal people were more real. Though, maybe this only applies to the internet. It is very hard to find the right words. And admittedly I was paranoid when I was there. Though, the feeling people play a role or are disingenuous in this way doesn't fit my paranoia completely. Paranoia would be if they had me as the target. Maybe everyone was more thinking more about their own problems. But the group therapy sessions were so weird. It was very different to a group session I imagined together with SaSu members. We were all feeling guilty what we were doing to our loved ones. There were like rituals assuring the staff not to commit suicide at the end of the evening. We did this over and over again. Many pretended they were not suicidal at all. But the question I asked myself why are you are here then? And which purpose has lying about it? The woman who killed herself lied about suicidality and then killed herself. Maybe my suicidality is just different. But my plan would be quite different. I think so much things could backfire. And I don't want to go into details but I asked myself some questions about her suicide. I did research afterwards to prove me I wasn't responsible for triggering her. I wonder though from whom she had the information about that place. Maybe she found it on the internet. I think some were pissed at the clinic for interfering.. I wasn't really pissed at that clinic. It was their job. Me and my room mate shared the opinion this clinic makes everything worse and we need to quit it as soon as possible. I think many people were more impulsive in this clinic. I think I am rarely impulsive.
But I thought if I really would have been determined to kill myself they could not stop me. But after what happened I knew I could not attempt again.
I think the people were scared to talk openly about suicidality in this clinic. I think some of them were not voluntarily in this clinic. Honestly, I never want to go back to this clinic. The people there were at rock bottom. And one patient killed themselves. I only wanted to get out of this clinic. And I think some people considered me stupid for that or thought that I just wanted out in order to attempt again. I considered the idea of this clinic sort of ridiculous. They are like babysitters who have to stop me from killing myself. I am not sure why I had this feeling. I think I have a very strong impulse control and maybe I considered such a notion sort of insulting to me. I thought if I really wanted to kill myself I could do it. But I also told the staff in the clinic honestly I would never attempt in a clinic. I told them that's way too dangerous. And that there was only one method for me. And every method else would scare the shit out of me. They treated me pretty well after I said that. Lol. I could leave the clinic at my first weekend. And when that woman killed herself I could leave the clinic eventually. Honestly, her suicide was sort of traumatizing. I was paranoid and thought for 24 hours I triggered her into committing suicide. That was overwhelming. Lol.
Such a long rambling. I hate my current situation. I cringe about it. But that's the alternative. Either going through with suicide. Or trying to go through with it either ending with brain damage or ending up in this nightmare clinic again. I think I don't have the determination to go through with it yet. I have a strong urge to kill myself. But approaching it would make me situation worse I guess. I get so fucking depressed when planning my suicide. And I lost the trust in the therapy system. Going back to a clinic would be a recipe for a disaster. They could write so much shit in my clinic report. They would be offended I filed a complaint because the people within this system back each other. So I am stuck. I guess...
Maybe these long ass threads show I am not in a good mental position currently.
And I became really paranoid at the first appointment. Because I slept badly because I have to wear a night guard. Yes, I am easy to destabilize. It is so sad to think about that.
At the second self-help group appointment I barely talked because I feared talking about my instability could destabilize me. This can happen, this isn't that rare in my case.
Tomorrow I have an appointment at an office. (I won't mention details) I will go without my mom my friends told me they fear I become even more dysfunctional if I avoid social interactions (alone) all the time. Honestly, I am not sure whether it is good to go alone. Becoming that paranoid was scary as fuck. It came really unexpected and I could imagine the time point played a role. In the morning I am more stable. The appointment tomorrow is in the morning. I am scared. I am really scared. It is so ridiculous that such minor tasks make me so anxious.
I could cry that my former therapist wrote I wasn't dysfunctional and just wanted to avoid responsiblity. She announced to write lies in my medical records because we had an argument. Though, reading my clinic reports and the official assessments about my health it is obvious that my dysfunctionality is real. I have the urge to kill myself because she wrote that in my medical records. And I lost a lot of trust in the mental health industry in my country. But I think I have to overcome that. I have to remind myself that I made many positive impressions at my clinic stays. But honestly I had four psychotherapies. And two of them did fucked up shit with me. I thought it could not become worse than what happened in 2019 but I was so wrong.
I could say it is sad I am too unstable for going to self-help groups. But that's only partly true. I think I have to do some changes in medication. And I have to get used to the people at the group. I hope at least that this helps. Maybe this will do the job to prevent me from becoming this paranoid again. I was so fucking gone. I am not sure whether the death of my grandma really had such a strong impact on that. I think the impact of the night guard on my sleep is worse. My mom asked me whether to go the funeral. Whether I changed my mind....no not really mom...but this question made me uncomfortable.
But honestly thinking about my dysfunctionality makes me want to kill myself. I don't want to dependent on help for the rest of my life. I am not even sure whether I actually would receive it. Maybe I would end up on the streets. There are some programms for people like me in my country. But honestly I would really like to kill myself when my parents are dead. All of this is so stupid. I really crave dead. Or at least nonexistence. But I only want to attempt again when I have nothing to lose. And currently I still can lose the health of my mom.
I hope the appointment tomorrow won't be another car crash. It could provoke an argument with my friends because they suggested me to go alone to this appointment. I am a grown baby . Lol. But not that many people in real life know this about me.I am sort of ashamed about it. I wish I could kill myself for it. But all the considerations you have to make when planing a suicide. It is all like a stupid fucking science project. So much could go wrong. And you might end up in a worse position. It is so fucking scary to read about brain damage in this forum. I was in a clinic for acute suicidal people. There was a young woman with brain damage. And holy shit it made me so sad seeing her and she also looked so sad. (I am not sure why I am so sure she had brain damage. Her gaze. Her body. Her gestures, She looked disabled. My guess was hanging or partial went wrong. I didn't talk to her. And I am not sure whether she was able to speak properly.. It is some years ago I met her....)
Well I have to live like a grown baby to avoid/delay that for a while. I think it is matter of time when I kill myself anyway. Or when I do damage to myself so that I will never be able to attempt again. Sadly this scenario could also happen. I learned I my planing wasn't thought-through.
The atmosphere is this clinic for acute suicidal people was very surreal. I had the feeling most people played a role. But when I talked with them they said this wasn't the case. They genuinely wanted to improve. And hoped that the clinic and therapy there did the job. (But honestly I cannot buy that now retrospectively. The therapy in this clinic was a joke. They did nothing. We barely had conversations with them. It was a joke. We had to assure them not to kill ourselves all the time. I think so guarantee they are not responsible if we did it.)
But I only talked with 2-3 in person about that. With my experience on SaSu I had the notion acute suicidal people were more real. Though, maybe this only applies to the internet. It is very hard to find the right words. And admittedly I was paranoid when I was there. Though, the feeling people play a role or are disingenuous in this way doesn't fit my paranoia completely. Paranoia would be if they had me as the target. Maybe everyone was more thinking more about their own problems. But the group therapy sessions were so weird. It was very different to a group session I imagined together with SaSu members. We were all feeling guilty what we were doing to our loved ones. There were like rituals assuring the staff not to commit suicide at the end of the evening. We did this over and over again. Many pretended they were not suicidal at all. But the question I asked myself why are you are here then? And which purpose has lying about it? The woman who killed herself lied about suicidality and then killed herself. Maybe my suicidality is just different. But my plan would be quite different. I think so much things could backfire. And I don't want to go into details but I asked myself some questions about her suicide. I did research afterwards to prove me I wasn't responsible for triggering her. I wonder though from whom she had the information about that place. Maybe she found it on the internet. I think some were pissed at the clinic for interfering.. I wasn't really pissed at that clinic. It was their job. Me and my room mate shared the opinion this clinic makes everything worse and we need to quit it as soon as possible. I think many people were more impulsive in this clinic. I think I am rarely impulsive.
But I thought if I really would have been determined to kill myself they could not stop me. But after what happened I knew I could not attempt again.
I think the people were scared to talk openly about suicidality in this clinic. I think some of them were not voluntarily in this clinic. Honestly, I never want to go back to this clinic. The people there were at rock bottom. And one patient killed themselves. I only wanted to get out of this clinic. And I think some people considered me stupid for that or thought that I just wanted out in order to attempt again. I considered the idea of this clinic sort of ridiculous. They are like babysitters who have to stop me from killing myself. I am not sure why I had this feeling. I think I have a very strong impulse control and maybe I considered such a notion sort of insulting to me. I thought if I really wanted to kill myself I could do it. But I also told the staff in the clinic honestly I would never attempt in a clinic. I told them that's way too dangerous. And that there was only one method for me. And every method else would scare the shit out of me. They treated me pretty well after I said that. Lol. I could leave the clinic at my first weekend. And when that woman killed herself I could leave the clinic eventually. Honestly, her suicide was sort of traumatizing. I was paranoid and thought for 24 hours I triggered her into committing suicide. That was overwhelming. Lol.
Such a long rambling. I hate my current situation. I cringe about it. But that's the alternative. Either going through with suicide. Or trying to go through with it either ending with brain damage or ending up in this nightmare clinic again. I think I don't have the determination to go through with it yet. I have a strong urge to kill myself. But approaching it would make me situation worse I guess. I get so fucking depressed when planning my suicide. And I lost the trust in the therapy system. Going back to a clinic would be a recipe for a disaster. They could write so much shit in my clinic report. They would be offended I filed a complaint because the people within this system back each other. So I am stuck. I guess...
Maybe these long ass threads show I am not in a good mental position currently.
