Oblivion Access
I don't know anything
- Jul 5, 2019
- 333
A while ago I've settled on ending things this year. I'm trying to think of what I would like to do and who I'd like to spend time with, but I realized that there is nobody left in my life whose presence I'd prefer to solitude in my final months - plus burdening anyone with extra grief/guilt would be too selfish, even for me. I considered seducing someone new to have a nice month or two with before things fall apart or I pull the plug but that just seems cruel, I think I've grown out of that sort of thing, being much more aware of the sorts of toxic attachment patterns I used to unwittingly create. I think it's best for everyone if I stay by myself so as to minimize lives ruined. The loneliness I'll endure is nothing relative to the ruin I'd bestow on this seductee to never be.
There is nothing I really want to do either. I'm not much of a "doing things" person, my life mostly consisted of sitting sedated facing a screen and I don't care to change it, by now I'm pretty okay with it. My energy level and mobility are also greatly and somewhat compromised respectively by disability so even if I did it'd be hard. Truthfully, I just wanna get high as fuck before I die, and get high I shall, provided I can overcome my ineptitude at scoring drugs and lack of funds (but what are debts for if not to cover end-of-life binges, eh?)
I kinda wish there was someone I could consult with on practical matters on how to best enjoy what remains of my prison term with the least hassle possible. I both lack patience for and competence in practicalities and paperwork which contributed to my consistently low standing in this world. The thought of spending the rest of my time here in a location I don't care for, surrounded by people I don't respect, avoid and am a burden on is very grim indeed. But I suppose none of us are owed a dignified send off and exit, even though perhaps we should be. What a mess I've made. But it could only ever end this way.
There is nothing I really want to do either. I'm not much of a "doing things" person, my life mostly consisted of sitting sedated facing a screen and I don't care to change it, by now I'm pretty okay with it. My energy level and mobility are also greatly and somewhat compromised respectively by disability so even if I did it'd be hard. Truthfully, I just wanna get high as fuck before I die, and get high I shall, provided I can overcome my ineptitude at scoring drugs and lack of funds (but what are debts for if not to cover end-of-life binges, eh?)
I kinda wish there was someone I could consult with on practical matters on how to best enjoy what remains of my prison term with the least hassle possible. I both lack patience for and competence in practicalities and paperwork which contributed to my consistently low standing in this world. The thought of spending the rest of my time here in a location I don't care for, surrounded by people I don't respect, avoid and am a burden on is very grim indeed. But I suppose none of us are owed a dignified send off and exit, even though perhaps we should be. What a mess I've made. But it could only ever end this way.
