Venting Getting close to the end

[MiserereMei]

I have my plan nearly fully fleshed out. I have a to-do list before I go. But I promised one of my parents that I would cat-sit while they're on vacation. I don't know if I can wait. I can't handle being in this body for another 3 weeks. I can't handle the weight of it all. I want to start getting things ready now. I'm prepared to set things in motion. I'm changing the beneficiary on my bank account sometime this week. I know that, at minimum, I need to wait until the beginning of next week to have everything prepared and ready. I have to go get the boxes for my collectibles out of storage. I need to thoroughly photograph, label, and package them so that they are easier to sell to whoever takes them. I need to cancel my reservations and tickets for an event later this year- that way the money can go back to my family instead. I need to pack up all of my belongings so that it is easier to remove all of my things from my roommate's house. I don't want to burden her or my family too much. I've opted for a method that has a lower likelihood of my body ever being found- it is my most sincere wish that my body is never recovered.
I hate that I have wasted people's time in my efforts to get better and to move past what happened to me. I feel so selfish for taking the time out of other people's lives while they tried to support me. I didn't deserve it. Going to management and going to HR in an effort to be separated from the coworker who did this to me. The man who ruined my life. I was fine before I met him. Life was finally getting better. I had just gotten a good job. I was reconnecting with friends. I was focused on bettering myself and learning more about topics I was passionate about- learning about psychology and about the legal system in hopes of one day going to law school. All of that is gone now. I will never be the same. I will always be used, disgusting and dirty. It doesn't matter how much I try to scrub the grime away. It will always be there. That sick, awful feeling. And one of the worst parts is that I really loved him before this. I wanted to spend my life with him. But he just didn't understand how to take no for an answer. He didn't understand boundaries in the slightest. Every time I tried to set one he would push and push until I gave in. I feel so disgusted with myself. I wish I never met him. I wish I never transferred to the same department as him. I wish I took the other offer I had. I wish I never got in the car with him that morning. I wish I had offered to stay late at work instead. I wish I did anything else. Any slight move to avoid what happened. I wish I fought back more. I wish I wasn't so useless and afraid when I realized it only took one of his hands to wrap around my entire throat. When I realized how easily he could pick me up and move me wherever he wanted- like I weighed nothing at all. And I can't bear to continue to live with this feeling. That I'm used up, I'm so disgusting, that I'm broken. No one will ever want me. I feel sick all the time. Every time I have to see him at work I'm stuck reliving what happened. I try so hard to not think about it. I wanted to just move past it and forget. I wanted to pretend it never happened. I thought that if I never saw him again that I could keep pretending I was okay. But distractions only last so long. I don't think it will ever get better. If anything, over the past two and a half weeks, it has only gotten worse and worse.
I would have already jumped if it wasn't for a supervisor that reached out to me after work and said she understood. That she knew what it felt like. I feel so awful for wasting her time now that I've resolved to CTB regardless. I feel awful for all of the people that I've involved in trying to remedy this the "right" way. But going through the system won't fix it. It won't fix me. It won't make me clean again. It won't change the way I was used. It won't take away my nightmares.
I also mourn everything that I will never get the chance to do. I will never get to go to law school. I will never get the chance to become the lawyer I wanted to be. I will never get the chance to visit Tenshi-no-Sato. I will never get to see the Mirai Store. I will never get to go to Laforet or Shibuya 109. I'll never get the chance to visit all of the places I wanted to go. I won't get to see what the next releases are from my favorite brands. But, at the same time, I don't think I was ever worthy of getting to do any of that to begin with. Maybe this is for the best. Maybe none of it mattered anyway. At the end of it all is just emptiness. I never want to feel again. I just want it to be over. I have, at best, a week left. I think that is the most I can handle. Possibly less if I run into him again. I plan to start packing my belongings soon. I want to avoid it being obvious, Let it be sudden and unexpected for those around me. I don't want anyone to have the chance to try to stop me. I can't keep living like this.

 

[volo]

So sorry for the hell you are in. You are not disgusting or broken, to me. (I'm female). I wish you strength and bravery... I hope this message does not insult you, this is not my intent.

 

[Holu]

Idk what to say. Never knew what to. Never felt like it's my place to. One of my close friends took her life after her ex raped her. Sometimes I wish I had talked to her more about it. I wish I could have helped, but I worried I'd hurt or trigger her. As humans, we hold safety in such high regard, and when that safety is ruined who knows if it ever comes back. I wanted her to feel safe knowing she probably never would. I like to think she did, since she took her life while on the phone with me. I'll never know though.

I really don't want to offend you, and if you feel any way different about what I say then please do and know you are in the right. But in my mind you are still pure. You are not responsible in mind or power for how your body reacts. No amount of strength or speed beats the fawning mechanism. Biology and evolution screwed us. Our bodies are fucking cursed and our brains are chemical messes.

And your purity shows in your thoughtfulness to your family. In your consideration and empathy for them. Even now, you extend your own suffering to insure they are better off when you go. It's beyond noble and kindhearted, and it shows incredible strength.

I hope that you can at least show yourself a little of that kindness. Even if it's just a stupid purchase or a nice meal. You are worth it, infinitely so a million times over. If moving onto whatever is next is the plan please treat yourself to whatever you feel you want. You deserve it, more than anything.

As always if you need to rant this whole community is here for you. My dms are open as well to anyone and everyone.

Take care and be as well as your strength allows you to muster.