evilnkaa
Till' Death Was Never Enough
- Jun 24, 2024
- 32
You know the saying, "you need to find help." I feel like my entire 21 years of life I hear that like a hum in my ear. Like a fly that can't get away and bothers you until its dead. I'm sick of it. I journal, I change myself, I work on it, those call centers, those late nights venting, those thearpy sessions, the pills, anything, everything I keep trying and yet Its always me. I don't love myself and to know everyone around me if I caught the bus a week from now would live their lives. Maybe not even a week maybe even sooner. I don't have anything. I thought I had love, I thought I had friendships, family, SUPPORT. But I have nothing I crumble to pieces and pick myself back up like I'm Frankenstein. I'm so tired of myself. I'm tired of having to loop over and over and over. I'm so tired of crying my heart and lungs out and I don't get anything. I cried so much everyday my family just watch in silence and go on about their lives. My boyfriend thinks I'm doing to much or I'm asking for attention. My best friend isn't even there for me and when she responds its days later. I have friends but everyone is so busy with their lives and kids and marriage and their relationship there isn't enough time or energy for me. I bottle it all up because what else can I do. I only have myself and yet I don't like myself. I don't believe I'm loved. I love everyone even though I get treated like a pile of dog shit. I stay with my boyfriend because I love him. I loved him. But recently everything changed. I have ED and I look at myself everyday every "bathroom break" every "brb" every "water" every moment I can I feel an itch that needs to be handled and I hate the feeling of picking at my skin and sucking in every time. Drawing on it. Scaling myself, hyper fixating on every detail. I had a breakdown I got two big chunks of stretch marks on my stomach and I'm defeated. I try so hard to not get them and when I did I couldn't get out of bed because of it. Moral of the story I don't enjoy my image and when my boyfriend started calling me fat, fat lisa, fatass, big and names in spanish, gordita, chonchis, even more. I'm not spanish speaking so when he says it I don't get it and it breaks me when I look it up. My heart shatters in a million pieces. I keep having conversations begging to stop and he doesnt. I don't accept it or respond when being called names. When I don't respond he keeps spamming the name he will say it over and over and it just breaks me. He doesnt know everytime he put me down "as a joke" I think how much can I handle before I ctb before I implode. I'm so tired. I want to be able to not scab my skin because I'm so stressed or even be able to not encouter major stress to the point I feel like my heart might go. I don't know what I'm doing I don't even know why I'm posting this. I just I guess need one person to show me support, to be there for me i feel like thats a lot to ask for everyone has their own baggage and I know this is a lot
