The way my boyfriend reacts to my mental health - selfish rant

[burninghill]

I kind of want to know others' opinions on this but I also just want to get it out.

I'm not a very open person at all, but when you're in a relationship it's unavoidable. I have a hard time masking my emotions and they come out quite obviously and outwardly.

Every time I open up to my boyfriend about my mental health, he would ask if 'everything was okay between us' and I understand that this probably comes from his own insecurity, but it's incredibly frustrating because it feels as if, as long as our relationship is okay, then things are fine. That's the way he would act anyway when I would respond with saying that it's nothing to do with our relationship, which is true.

Long story short I told him to cut that out, nicely of course.

Now it's translated into him just saying that he 'loves me no matter what', which is lovely!!! Of course. But he says nothing else. It feels along the lines of 'things will get better'. Like as long as he loves me then things are fine.

I don't know. I just feel like my emotions are constantly undermined by him not not necessarily in a malicious way, maybe he just doesn't know how to respond but it's really tiring. I've lived a long life full of people not caring about the way I feel and to feel so close yet so far away from real care is really upsetting.

I will have a conversation with him soon about it but tonight isn't the night for that.

 

[The Disqualified]

Hi. How are you? I hope you are fine.
I am glad you are here.
It was just some weeks ago when you had posted about your then imminent suicide attempt; I am glad and proud that you have been holding on. You should know that.

I am not sure I am particularly qualified to give my opinion on relationships. I have never had one.

Overall, I was happy when I read you had gotten a boyfriend—someone that cares about you.
You seemed lonely. I had imagined a healthy relationship could help you with that, and that is true for most people.

I am not going to overly extend myself—not because I do not care—but because I imagine there is a lot of personal context to this at the moment, and this is more of a rant, as you had said. It would be unwise for me to judge from across the ocean; it could very well be that your boyfriend is struggling to name their emotions, just like you seem to be.
Talking with him is definitely a good idea.
Speaking honestly, but with circumspection, is something I value a lot, personally.

Talking in general is very important, you know. I had very powerful conversations with my therapist in recent times. My life overall has changed a lot, or at least I feel so, recently. But that is a topic for perhaps a thread.

It seems that life has this struggle against self-destruction and violence. I noticed that.

I don't like when people avoid uncomfortable topics. I try to be direct, but not too blunt, as I don't want to sound insensitive.
That is a skill I have worked on.

There is only thing that frankly makes me curious. Is he (your boyfriend) aware of, well, everything?
From what you had said:
You struggle with DPH abuse, heavy alcohol consumption, nicotine usage, self-harm, cigarretes, etc.
You had a previous suicide attempt and have been actively planning for a next one.
You feel like you need to die, and that this is your fate.

To be frank, if this was someone I was close to I would be worried for them. I wonder if he is aware of your deeper struggles, and is set to help you.

I wonder if he isn't worried about you, well, dying? Seems like something very worrisome and serious to happen to one's girlfriend, or anyone for that matter.

Sorry for putting it so clinically, but I couldn't put it any other way.

On the topic of conversations: I started to notice that without improvement in the horizon there is just not much to talk about eventually. I noticed this with people I talk to.
If my life is stale I just don't have anything to talk about. If I move, then conversations become less stale.
If I feel like my life isn't moving, then conversations with others can eventually die down into a negative and hollow script. This is why I realized that optimism, and vitality in general, is necessary for a happy life.
Happy people are optimistic, I noticed. This is something I admire in them.

Overall, I hope you are feeling better.
I know my reply was a bit all-over-the-place, but I am glad to see you well.

Also, I promised you I wouldn't overly extend myself, but it seems I clearly failed at that lol.
I just couldn't stop writing, sorry...
I need to learn how to stop having the urge to write so much and so in-depth, or at least learn how to do so faster and more efficiently...

I hope you can have a good talk with him.
Certainly, that would be a good thing.

Sending hugs.

 

[burninghill]

Hi. How are you? I hope you are fine.
I am glad you are here.
It was just some weeks ago when you had posted about your then imminent suicide attempt; I am glad and proud that you have been holding on. You should know that.

I am not sure I am particularly qualified to give my opinion on relationships. I have never had one.

Overall, I was happy when I read you had gotten a boyfriend—someone that cares about you.
You seemed lonely. I had imagined a healthy relationship could help you with that, and that is true for most people.

I am not going to overly extend myself—not because I do not care—but because I imagine there is a lot of personal context to this at the moment, and this is more of a rant, as you had said. It would be unwise for me to judge from across the ocean; it could very well be that your boyfriend is struggling to name their emotions, just like you seem to be.
Talking with him is definitely a good idea.
Speaking honestly, but with circumspection, is something I value a lot, personally.

Talking in general is very important, you know. I had very powerful conversations with my therapist in recent times. My life overall has changed a lot, or at least I feel so, recently. But that is a topic for perhaps a thread.

It seems that life has this struggle against self-destruction and violence. I noticed that.

I don't like when people avoid uncomfortable topics. I try to be direct, but not too blunt, as I don't want to sound insensitive.
That is a skill I have worked on.

There is only thing that frankly makes me curious. Is he (your boyfriend) aware of, well, everything?
From what you had said:
You struggle with DPH abuse, heavy alcohol consumption, nicotine usage, self-harm, cigarretes, etc.
You had a previous suicide attempt and have been actively planning for a next one.
You feel like you need to die, and that this is your fate.

To be frank, if this was someone I was close to I would be worried for them. I wonder if he is aware of your deeper struggles, and is set to help you.

I wonder if he isn't worried about you, well, dying? Seems like something very worrisome and serious to happen to one's girlfriend, or anyone for that matter.

Sorry for putting it so clinically, but I couldn't put it any other way.

On the topic of conversations: I started to notice that without improvement in the horizon there is just not much to talk about eventually. I noticed this with people I talk to.
If my life is stale I just don't have anything to talk about. If I move, then conversations become less stale.
If I feel like my life isn't moving, then conversations with others can eventually die down into a negative and hollow script. This is why I realized that optimism, and vitality in general, is necessary for a happy life.
Happy people are optimistic, I noticed. This is something I admire in them.

Overall, I hope you are feeling better.
I know my reply was a bit all-over-the-place, but I am glad to see you well.

Also, I promised you I wouldn't overly extend myself, but it seems I clearly failed at that lol.
I just couldn't stop writing, sorry...
I need to learn how to stop having the urge to write so much and so in-depth, or at least learn how to do so faster and more efficiently...

I hope you can have a good talk with him.
Certainly, that would be a good thing.

Sending hugs.

I really like reading your messages. I don't often have a lot of substance to respond with but I really do read and appreciate them all.

How are you?? How have things been for you recently?

I don't think that he is worried about me dying whatsoever. I have mentioned my chronic suicidality to him in passing but I don't think he thinks much of it. When I speak about my ideation it generally tends to be in past tense, I have very bad anxiety about people contacting my parents about my mental health and I do think that if I was fully open then it would be very worrying for people around me.

He knows about my ideation and attempts, he knows that I drink a lot (not why), knows about my intrusive thoughts, my constant exhaustion, nightmares and depression. He also knows about my outward self harm (cuts, burns) because it's, well, visible, but he's never really mentioned it honestly. He doesn't know about my use of DPH at all or that I'm actively suicidal, my gore addiction, why I started using nicotine, my constant feelings of depersonalisation.

I want to be fully open, but it's hard. Wanting to kill myself is such a major part of my mental health but I don't want intervention, so I don't want to mention it. Circumspection I suppose, as you said.

It really does make me happy to read that you were glad to hear I was getting some kind of support in the form of getting into a relationship. He is a really really nice guy, he's head over heels for me and he isn't shy about it haha.
I will definitely talk to him about it when it comes up again. I think we just butt heads a bit in terms of, when I'm upset he'll sort of give me a 'look on the bright side' response, whereas I really do well with letting myself simmer in misery for a little while. Just a difference in our character.
I hope my rant didn't seem malicious towards him, someone in another forum told me to break up with him. I think it's just a communicative misunderstanding between us that I need to be more open about.

I have mixed feelings about our relationship in general. He's such an amazing person but being with someone is so much energy and I don't have much to give, I feel like the support I gain from him and the energy I lose in order to uphold our relationship just about balances out and I don't feel much different. Does that make sense?

I agree with what you said about optimism being vital to a happy life and also decent conversations. You can't have a productive dialogue if you don't want to be… well, productive, so you're right, they do sort of end up falling into a script. I've been experiencing that recently.

You're a really kind person. I'm not sure if it sounds uhhh.. maybe too personal? to say, but I really do feel like you know me better than most other people. It really touches me how you remember the things I've said. I'm sorry I don't ask you more questions, to be quite frank I'm a god awful listener, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you and what you have to say.

Please don't feel obligated to respond

 

[The Disqualified]

How are you?? How have things been for you recently?

I am fine. I have been feeling better the last few months.
But, overall, some of my problems remain, and that bothers me.

I don't have much time as I have classes now, but your comments are very sweet, and this part is interesting:

You're a really kind person. I'm not sure if it sounds uhhh.. maybe too personal? to say, but I really do feel like you know me better than most other people. It really touches me how you remember the things I've said.

Do you think that is... weird or unusual? By that I mean... remembering what others say, paying attention to them, remembering their names and the names of their family members...

I have always struggled to behave socially, probably because I always sought to be someone I am not.
My conversational style could be stiff, overly formal, robotic, too focused...
I always struggled with the rapid-pace of conversations, small talk, the way people move from topic to topic.
I tried fitting in with that, but mostly failed.

Going with the flow, conveying warmth in speech, speaking casually — those are all skills I have had to work on.

You see, I used to be very quiet and incapable of communication for most of my life. Then, I started seeking help and improving myself, by my own volition. Eventually I developed the ability to talk with others in most contexts, laugh with them, understand jokes, emulate proper behavior, etc.

Some problems I had to overcome were not knowing how to talk at all, making vulgar or inappropriate jokes in the wrong contexts, being overly formal or detached, etc.

I always struggled with body language as well.

All of that said, I still struggle at really bonding with people on a deep level. I feel like most of my chat is surface-level. Most people still see me as an outsider.

I realized I need to find people like me.

But I found interesting how we are expected to forget things or act non-chalant.
I had been reflecting on the meaning of normality.
Nowadays, I feel a bit better precisely because I feel more... assertive, in the sense that I see value in myself now.

I started to think that perhaps our normal social behavior may not be healthy at all; that is what really got me to reflect on things.
Overall I stopped to assume that being 'normal' equals healthiness and that being different from others equals unhealthiness, but began to embrace more who I am and my style.

Anyway, I guess this paints a broad picture of me. As I said, I don't have much time now, but will come back to answer you.
But I guess this sheds some light on what I meant by feeling better.

I used to be very suicidial when I joined.

I do pay attention to what people say, and you are not the first one, not on this site either.
I think we get things backwards these days—I hope you understand what I am trying to get at here.

Your comment was very interesting, and touching as well.

Sending hugs.

 

[The Disqualified]

I don't think that he is worried about me dying whatsoever. I have mentioned my chronic suicidality to him in passing but I don't think he thinks much of it. When I speak about my ideation it generally tends to be in past tense, I have very bad anxiety about people contacting my parents about my mental health and I do think that if I was fully open then it would be very worrying for people around me.

He knows about my ideation and attempts, he knows that I drink a lot (not why), knows about my intrusive thoughts, my constant exhaustion, nightmares and depression. He also knows about my outward self harm (cuts, burns) because it's, well, visible, but he's never really mentioned it honestly. He doesn't know about my use of DPH at all or that I'm actively suicidal, my gore addiction, why I started using nicotine, my constant feelings of depersonalisation.

I want to be fully open, but it's hard. Wanting to kill myself is such a major part of my mental health but I don't want intervention, so I don't want to mention it. Circumspection I suppose, as you said.

I see.
I imagine I would only say my true feelings to people in real life if I trusted them a lot, which isn't the case for anyone I know personally. This trust wouldn't be the simple "Look at my stuff while I am away" kind of trust, but would imply a much deeper level of existential awareness and emotional maturity that not everyone has.

Only you can judge how he would react or what you should talk to him.
I guess it is the same with therapists as well. I can be pretty open with mine, but I know some people don't speak their true feelings out of fear of being sectioned.
Many don't know how to react when someone says "I want to kill myself", and, because they don't know how to react, they follow the same social script everytime.
I have seen it.

It really does make me happy to read that you were glad to hear I was getting some kind of support in the form of getting into a relationship. He is a really really nice guy, he's head over heels for me and he isn't shy about it haha.
I will definitely talk to him about it when it comes up again. I think we just butt heads a bit in terms of, when I'm upset he'll sort of give me a 'look on the bright side' response, whereas I really do well with letting myself simmer in misery for a little while. Just a difference in our character.

I see.

I hope my rant didn't seem malicious towards him, someone in another forum told me to break up with him. I think it's just a communicative misunderstanding between us that I need to be more open about.

It did not seem malicious to me.
People in online forums are often ill-suited to give definitive advice like that. I would only tell someone to step away immediately if the situation was clearly abusive.

Online we only go off words on the screen. I had mentioned people around you and potentially a therapist. I value physical presence; I think it is important.

I engage in online relationships because I don't have much in my real life unfortunately, but I value being physically present. It helps give much broader context to someone.

I have mixed feelings about our relationship in general. He's such an amazing person but being with someone is so much energy and I don't have much to give, I feel like the support I gain from him and the energy I lose in order to uphold our relationship just about balances out and I don't feel much different. Does that make sense?

I can understand.
I am not sure I can relate that deeply as I never experienced romance, as I had said.
But I experienced something similar to that with 'friendships' as well. I never felt close to them and I would just perform a role to avoid being completely alone.

You're a really kind person. I'm not sure if it sounds uhhh.. maybe too personal? to say, but I really do feel like you know me better than most other people. It really touches me how you remember the things I've said. I'm sorry I don't ask you more questions, to be quite frank I'm a god awful listener, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you and what you have to say.

I don't think it is too personal. I guess we are just to accustomed to act non-chalant these days.
Remembering what others say should be the bare minimum when talking with others these days, but I've noticed people don't do this even in real life when talking to each other. I've seen it even among people who were 'friends' to each other. It really is strange.
I always like remembering people, their names, the names of those around them, the things which they said previously etc.
I tried acting non-chalant for a while, but I felt even worse, so I thought I would just be myself.

Isn't it interesting how—and this is something I have read about—in online forums, where we are anonymous, people can become much more open about their innermost struggles? Because there are no stakes like with people in real life, they can be much more vulnerable and open than usual.
It is interesting how people on the internet can know more about your struggles than those whom you meet face-to-face with every day.
It is interesting, really.

Your comment is touching as well.
I know you don't ask many questions, but you don't need to feel bad about it. You shouldn't feel forced to anything.

Listening is a skill I have sought to develop as well. Sometimes I talk to people and they bring up topics I have little to no interest in. Listening and caring for what others say is something difficult. I try to balance talking about me and talking about the other person.

Please don't feel obligated to respond

No problem. I typed this one much faster. I am getting better at writing my thoughts in general, I would say.
Edit: 1000 words haha

It is morning where I live. I hope you take care of yourself.

Sending hugs.

 

[Worndown]

It is possible he has no clue how to handle this situation.
You may need outside contact (therapy) to explore this.

 

[Forveleth]

What do you want him to say? Tell him that. Most men do not j is giw to handle emotions, whether it be there own or anyone else's andmoat men do not know what women want in response to what they say. I sat down with my partner and worked with him to understand what kind if a reaction and words I would find supportive.

 

[kittypsst]

Honestly? You both sound in your mid 20s at the latest, he can be older and pull younger girls but still be mentally as young here (for the worse). He already receives your time, attention, and exclusivity, plus potential easy sex and clinginess. None of that comes for free, and fuck Disney, modern feminism and post WW2 culture for telling women they should always look for love and give themselves out in exchange of breadcrumbs and happy thoughts.

This doesn't make people gold diggers, just afraid of the logistics of living, which yeah, costs more than happy thoughts and shallow wishes while you're literally drinking your worries away. Take your last bottle, paint a piggy bank, fuck that soul sink too.

None of the things you mention today, and they are VERY clear signs of a current issue should be dismissed. Any professional seeing your state could easily pull the involuntary loony bin trip, if you want the legalese version. Even if good natured, people living normal lives seriously struggle to empathize past a certain point, and please never compromise in cornering yourself as the sad, sick girl, or stew with the miserable crowd.

It's great you're having an open conversation about this, and he's on your side, imo only ingredient missing are the specific steps to get out of the dumpster fire.