Venting Survivor's Guilt

[Anonymous1997ES]

In both the world and this site, there are people whose suffering far exceeds my own, people who never made mistakes that caused them to want to CTB, people whom sadly are lonelier than I am, people without family and/or friends and so on...

I'm here because I made a lot of mistakes, some of them irreversible, some people even warned me to be careful.

No one forced me at gunpoint to say I had "Asperger" to others, before I found out three years later that I wasn't in the spectrum at all...

I'm not saying that this is the same for everyone but, even if I offed myself, things wouldn't get solved... What was said can't change, and what's done is done, simple as that.

I have a fear of abandonment so rooted in my being, that thinking it may happen is more than enough to make me mistrust people I should've never mistrusted at all...

Had I died, yeah, I would be in peace but, I would have hurt so many other people in the process... I acted rashly, and now I have to work to fix things...

I have to accept that many people might think of me as a childish/special needs person even when I'm not, I have to accept that some people may be pitying me or they might not like me, I have to accept that some bonds faded away and they will either never get back, or they won't be the same at all, I have to accept that I may graduate college without a close friend there, I have to accept that I don't have 100% of the blame (maybe 50-60%)...

Is it selfish for me to say that I'm still depressed after all of this ordeal? But I have to deal with it, I guess, even if it's just to ensure no one else suffers for it...

 

[domedune]

I pretty much only think suicide is too selfish if one has children they need to take care of. Other than that, everything one does is "selfish" really, but I think it's fair. I think it's more selfish to force someone to stay alive than to die. Simply existing can cause more suffering than someone you love dying, and everyone dies eventually.

Also, I don't think it's selfish (or, rather, too selfish) to be depressed. It's a state of mind, not an act against someone. You're allowed to feel how you feel.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand that it can be painful to deal with guilt and regret, as we cannot turn back time and change our actions. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you well.