Feeling bad for feeling better

[difficvltmachineryy]

My suicidality was really high two weeks ago, but now i am better, still wishing i could just find a sure method to CTB (im going with alcohol poisoning + pills, because thats kinda the only accessible method to me). Basically i dont even feel like my recovery is smthing i wanted, my mother and family forced me to be better after discovering i SH'd, and made me feel like i am the bad guy. My mother told me if i ever killed myself, she would never even think about me ever and erase me from her memory. I mean if i am dead i wouldnt care what she does, but since i am alive, and heard those words they really hurt me. I do not care about me dying, infact i want to die, but my memory dying is a whole different thing. I feel like i do want to be remembered. Why do people who dont struggle so much with suicidal ideation look down upon people who do? Why do people who ctb so frowned upon? I knew a man who hanged himself at 86, his wife and some other family members too didnt go to his funeral. His wife loved him, but his suicide immediately made him unworthy and selfish, like he never existed. Should i just suck it up and accept that if i end my life with my own hands people will hate me and my memory will be erased?

 

[SASU-KE]

Once you die, it's the complete end. You're not going to feel anything after that. But while you're still alive, I can understand the worry.

I believe that your loved ones can't really forget you. When they try to suppress your memories, they're actually just trying to suppress the feelings that come with them. When my mother passed away, I grieved her, but I try not to think about her too much anymore simply because it's painful.

I can't move on otherwise.

Your loved ones won't forget about you either.They will, however, for their own sake, try to suppress thoughts about you to a certain extent.

 

[eggsausagerice]

hard agree with sasuke. i can't think about my friend i have a bad relationship with because it makes me feel sad and want to cry. i feel that way with most relationships that ended poorly. i can only imagine the pain and the urge to suppress thoughts of someone i lost getting stronger because i miss them a lot. your mom really only said that to try to dissuade you from killing yourself because she knew it would hurt your feelings, instead of her just saying she doesn't want you to commit suicide because she would miss you.

sasuke's point about you not caring or thinking about anything once your dead is true. once you're dead everything is theoretical and up to interpretation, but it's easy to imagine that you keep living even though you're dead since you only know being alive. your mom and the wife of the man who hung himself are too caught up in their pride to be able to say they care about someone that they want to make a point through shaming, which is only makes suicidal thoughts harder for people to talk about. my mom is very anti-suicide because she thinks i'll go to hell for it, but i don't care since my mom's terrible parenting is the reason i want to die in the first place. your parents can tell you anything and sometimes it feels like they want to find the thing that would hurt you the most to win an argument.