Hi, well ok here we are in 2020 and I've been on this suicide trip for about three decades now. Started planning for suicide as a kid in grade school. "This is a joke, right? These are the people who I'll have to work with in adulthood?" I saw how primitive this species is at a young age and decided then that I'd never build a life and get ready for suicide at any time.
What a bad plan that was. 30 years later and I still can't finish. Fear of death makes it nearly impossible. There's no assurance of afterlife fate, and I couldn't stomach waking up in eternal hellfire, as absurd as it sounds.
Now I've been out of work for years and I'm homeless. No future ahead of me and facing down the barrel of worsening physical, mental, social, financial and spiritual conditions into old age. My suicidal ways are now entirely permanent. I lived these past three decades in short fits and false starts. Given up on everything; now I have almost nothing except the suicidal desire.
Came close a few years ago. Did my homework and had the inert gas method worked out perfectly, down to the exact PSI and had bungees to restrict my hands from aborting. I pulled the bag over my head and saw demons. It scared me, realizing that infinity, potentially bad, was awaiting.
Of course I was repeatedly abused as a child. Of course I was indoctrinated into hell threatening western religion. Being threatened with hell doesn't guarantee a prosperous life. But being abused sure makes it possible to live basically brain dead, a walking ghost, awaiting and praying for death constantly..
What a bad plan that was. 30 years later and I still can't finish. Fear of death makes it nearly impossible. There's no assurance of afterlife fate, and I couldn't stomach waking up in eternal hellfire, as absurd as it sounds.
Now I've been out of work for years and I'm homeless. No future ahead of me and facing down the barrel of worsening physical, mental, social, financial and spiritual conditions into old age. My suicidal ways are now entirely permanent. I lived these past three decades in short fits and false starts. Given up on everything; now I have almost nothing except the suicidal desire.
Came close a few years ago. Did my homework and had the inert gas method worked out perfectly, down to the exact PSI and had bungees to restrict my hands from aborting. I pulled the bag over my head and saw demons. It scared me, realizing that infinity, potentially bad, was awaiting.
Of course I was repeatedly abused as a child. Of course I was indoctrinated into hell threatening western religion. Being threatened with hell doesn't guarantee a prosperous life. But being abused sure makes it possible to live basically brain dead, a walking ghost, awaiting and praying for death constantly..
