darkshadownice
Member
- Dec 9, 2024
- 49
Good god, I just get a chill inside writing that. But yeah, I just feel like I'm done with life and I'm tired of living with depression. I have no motivation to do anything anymore, and going to work is fucking torture. And I'm supposed to wage slave for however many years just to never retire because the economy is completely fucked at this point, gas is about to raise up in price to due to the petroleum reserve almost being empty, and we're all about to go through another economic crash, a second Great Depression, a Lost Decade worldwide, while the climate continues to spiral out of control. And social media has completely destroyed out brains to the point of Psychosis, and it has affected every single sector of our lives for the worst. I want to say COVID was the real spark that's causing everything all the chaos this decade, and things will only continue to destabilize in the future. There is no fucking future.
And then there's the individual day-to-day self that's really fucking exhausting. Like it's real exhausting being alive. Constantly desiring things, and if you obtain the "thing", you quickly develop new desires, I'm so fucking tired of that, and there's no way I'm living my whole life constantly desiring things because it brings pain with it. The worst desire and pain of course is desiring a romantic relationship; all the immense suffering that goes with being in a relationship only to instinctually bring more children into this world. I mean it's just madness. I just wish someone told me your 20's are when your hormones are out of fucking control and bring a significant amount of pain towards you. I'm 26 btw.
I've fallen into such a deep depression that I don't even really have friends anymore (and could never hold onto friendships because I have autism), never bothered to be in a relationship ever in my life (and I psychologically have a Puer aeternus sort of profile and have stunted emotions because of it) and I don't even speak to my family all that much anymore; it just takes too much fucking energy. I hardly even speak to people anymore or bother holding a conversation, simply because it takes too much energy. My life is literally hating work, going to the grocery store, watching youtube and sometimes chat with random people on 4chan and this site, and go to bed, and that's basically it. Everything in my life feels like it's imploding and half of it is because I'm a lazy shit who doesn't want to bother doing anything in life, and the other half is out of my control with the way the world is going. And America seems much more subconsciously meaner spirited now. Our current president is a malignant narcissistic sociopath and his mean-spirited behaviour reflects in so many ways throughout every facet of our lives that you notice it, but if you really pay attention, you see the permanent psychological damage that's happening to us, A country-wide (or worldwide if you're really cynical) generational trauma for everyone to experience in the near future. I hate the fact that I have no choice but to pay attention to the news because everything's getting expensive while we've fallen quickly into a surveillance state with all the flock cameras spying on you and the militarized police abusing their power, and there's nothing that can be done about it because half of this country prefers to kowtow to encroaching authority. This country is just a techno-fascist indivdualized/atomized hellscape, which is full of people in a social media psychosis, and I'm supposed to just sleep comfortably knowing how dystopic our world is now?
I guess I am. I'm supposed to get some sleep right now and go in to work at 3:30pm only to be questioned by my boss about why I purposely slept through Thursday's alcoholic meeting and test, because I don't give a fuck about it (already took this test like 2 years ago, and they're forcing it down all of the restaurant's division employees). I don't even sell alcohol and they're forcing this down our throats again, and we have to take this test, even though I said fuck it and slept in. I was thinking of telling my boss that I'm quitting life and I'm going to smoke a bunch of weed while driving into the driveway, and then blow my fucking brains out in the driveway (been fantasizing about that for maybe a month and a half at this point) with my dad's gun. I was thinking of using a gun and hit the brainstem through the mouth, and hope I just lose consciousness quickly. I mean I'm still fucking mad that my first SN attempt didn't work a year ago, so I was thinking of using a gun to ctb instead. I'm assuming 9mm to the mouth for sure kills you, right?
I just need some input here, because I'm really thinking of going through with shooting myself in like 12 hours. Like I can plan it out: Go to sleep now, go to work really fucking late, tell boss I quit life, drive home, smoke the rest of my dabs, and shoot myself in the mouth in the driveway. I know you're not allowed to encourage someone to ctb, I just need some parting words or comforting words or whatever wisdom that can be spoken, because staring at the abyss is kind of terrifying right now. I just hope that if I do it, that I won't reincarnate cause god that shit is even more terrifying. I'm just gonna get some sleep now and will read the replies later before going to work.
And then there's the individual day-to-day self that's really fucking exhausting. Like it's real exhausting being alive. Constantly desiring things, and if you obtain the "thing", you quickly develop new desires, I'm so fucking tired of that, and there's no way I'm living my whole life constantly desiring things because it brings pain with it. The worst desire and pain of course is desiring a romantic relationship; all the immense suffering that goes with being in a relationship only to instinctually bring more children into this world. I mean it's just madness. I just wish someone told me your 20's are when your hormones are out of fucking control and bring a significant amount of pain towards you. I'm 26 btw.
I've fallen into such a deep depression that I don't even really have friends anymore (and could never hold onto friendships because I have autism), never bothered to be in a relationship ever in my life (and I psychologically have a Puer aeternus sort of profile and have stunted emotions because of it) and I don't even speak to my family all that much anymore; it just takes too much fucking energy. I hardly even speak to people anymore or bother holding a conversation, simply because it takes too much energy. My life is literally hating work, going to the grocery store, watching youtube and sometimes chat with random people on 4chan and this site, and go to bed, and that's basically it. Everything in my life feels like it's imploding and half of it is because I'm a lazy shit who doesn't want to bother doing anything in life, and the other half is out of my control with the way the world is going. And America seems much more subconsciously meaner spirited now. Our current president is a malignant narcissistic sociopath and his mean-spirited behaviour reflects in so many ways throughout every facet of our lives that you notice it, but if you really pay attention, you see the permanent psychological damage that's happening to us, A country-wide (or worldwide if you're really cynical) generational trauma for everyone to experience in the near future. I hate the fact that I have no choice but to pay attention to the news because everything's getting expensive while we've fallen quickly into a surveillance state with all the flock cameras spying on you and the militarized police abusing their power, and there's nothing that can be done about it because half of this country prefers to kowtow to encroaching authority. This country is just a techno-fascist indivdualized/atomized hellscape, which is full of people in a social media psychosis, and I'm supposed to just sleep comfortably knowing how dystopic our world is now?
I guess I am. I'm supposed to get some sleep right now and go in to work at 3:30pm only to be questioned by my boss about why I purposely slept through Thursday's alcoholic meeting and test, because I don't give a fuck about it (already took this test like 2 years ago, and they're forcing it down all of the restaurant's division employees). I don't even sell alcohol and they're forcing this down our throats again, and we have to take this test, even though I said fuck it and slept in. I was thinking of telling my boss that I'm quitting life and I'm going to smoke a bunch of weed while driving into the driveway, and then blow my fucking brains out in the driveway (been fantasizing about that for maybe a month and a half at this point) with my dad's gun. I was thinking of using a gun and hit the brainstem through the mouth, and hope I just lose consciousness quickly. I mean I'm still fucking mad that my first SN attempt didn't work a year ago, so I was thinking of using a gun to ctb instead. I'm assuming 9mm to the mouth for sure kills you, right?
I just need some input here, because I'm really thinking of going through with shooting myself in like 12 hours. Like I can plan it out: Go to sleep now, go to work really fucking late, tell boss I quit life, drive home, smoke the rest of my dabs, and shoot myself in the mouth in the driveway. I know you're not allowed to encourage someone to ctb, I just need some parting words or comforting words or whatever wisdom that can be spoken, because staring at the abyss is kind of terrifying right now. I just hope that if I do it, that I won't reincarnate cause god that shit is even more terrifying. I'm just gonna get some sleep now and will read the replies later before going to work.
you aren't alone.. You are with us, we all are in the same boat buddy
