ThisPartySucks
ive never been this tired in my life...
- Aug 22, 2026
- 29
I guess I'm leaving this as a record of myself, so there's proof I existed.
I am almost 40 years old, and I am exhausted. For as long as I can remember, there's been this... voice, in the back of my head that says the most hateful, negative things. I've been checked for schizophrenia, but it was found I suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and display markings of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). The episodes come with a "split," wherein I switch from being me, to another person. It is always accompanied by a headache, a bad headache, before and after. My... other, converses in soft-spoken, one to three word responses, and it was recently discovered that my name CAN knock me out of it early. My episodes can last for as little as a half hour, to days.
But it's the damn voice that really gets to me. It's never quiet, it never takes a break or a day off, it never relents, and it is always negative. I won't get into the things said, but it's there. It's been there my entire life. And it's getting old.
When I was a kid, I fell down the stairs at school after being kicked out of class on a day the voice was particularly loud. The teacher that kicked me out of the class told the administration and my parents that it was a suicide attempt. It wasn't. But being thirteen years old and having behavioral problems stemming from just trying to quiet that voice, I wasn't listened to. I was ferried off to a juvenile mental health ward at the university hospital, and had to spend three days there, alone with my thoughts and that god damn voice.
I somehow managed to make it through school and various relationships, and joined the Army following high school. This was post 9-11, and my thought was that maybe, just maybe, I could die a warrior. After two combat tours, and realizing my training would take over every time I was in actual danger, I left the military as I wouldn't achieve what I sought. The indoctrination and training are so effective that your body just... reacts to keep you alive. I went to die, and ended up taking the lives of others instead. The voice got louder.
During my years in the military, I was married twice. Both women in the service alongside me. One cheated on me and poked holes in condoms to get pregnant, thus avoiding having to deploy to a combat zone, and the other raped and abused me. I never wanted to be a parent. I knew I wouldn't be good at it, and I was right. I figured why take the chance on passing my illness on to a child that never deserved it. When I went on my second combat tour, my parents took my son, and raised him in my absence. I got out, and he stayed with them. I am a father on paper only. The voice got louder.
I settled into civilian life, taking various jobs to make ends meet, and got married to a girl I dated when I was in school. As of this writing, we've been married for ten years. I care for her, but I am not in love with her. There's been a few women in recent years that I've seen, and recently my wife and I decided we were getting divorced as neither of us are happy. She's sweet, but she's not the one. The voice got louder.
In January, I met the one. They made the voice quieter. They made it stop altogether a lot of times. We were happy. Two days ago, she has gone zero contact, with no explanation. That voice is immeasurably loud now.
I went to the park today and made a video to post on YouTube, but I don't know if I will ever post it, as I don't think anyone would ever see it.
The last week has been the hardest of my entire life. I've lost the one person who made the voice quieter. There is no reason to continue trying.
I know my method will be SN or KN, but failing those, I'll just hang myself in the woods near my house.
I'm sorry for the novel I've written here. I just want something, anything, that proves I was here. Questions are welcome, and I'll answer everything as truthfully and openly as I possibly can.
I am almost 40 years old, and I am exhausted. For as long as I can remember, there's been this... voice, in the back of my head that says the most hateful, negative things. I've been checked for schizophrenia, but it was found I suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and display markings of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). The episodes come with a "split," wherein I switch from being me, to another person. It is always accompanied by a headache, a bad headache, before and after. My... other, converses in soft-spoken, one to three word responses, and it was recently discovered that my name CAN knock me out of it early. My episodes can last for as little as a half hour, to days.
But it's the damn voice that really gets to me. It's never quiet, it never takes a break or a day off, it never relents, and it is always negative. I won't get into the things said, but it's there. It's been there my entire life. And it's getting old.
When I was a kid, I fell down the stairs at school after being kicked out of class on a day the voice was particularly loud. The teacher that kicked me out of the class told the administration and my parents that it was a suicide attempt. It wasn't. But being thirteen years old and having behavioral problems stemming from just trying to quiet that voice, I wasn't listened to. I was ferried off to a juvenile mental health ward at the university hospital, and had to spend three days there, alone with my thoughts and that god damn voice.
I somehow managed to make it through school and various relationships, and joined the Army following high school. This was post 9-11, and my thought was that maybe, just maybe, I could die a warrior. After two combat tours, and realizing my training would take over every time I was in actual danger, I left the military as I wouldn't achieve what I sought. The indoctrination and training are so effective that your body just... reacts to keep you alive. I went to die, and ended up taking the lives of others instead. The voice got louder.
During my years in the military, I was married twice. Both women in the service alongside me. One cheated on me and poked holes in condoms to get pregnant, thus avoiding having to deploy to a combat zone, and the other raped and abused me. I never wanted to be a parent. I knew I wouldn't be good at it, and I was right. I figured why take the chance on passing my illness on to a child that never deserved it. When I went on my second combat tour, my parents took my son, and raised him in my absence. I got out, and he stayed with them. I am a father on paper only. The voice got louder.
I settled into civilian life, taking various jobs to make ends meet, and got married to a girl I dated when I was in school. As of this writing, we've been married for ten years. I care for her, but I am not in love with her. There's been a few women in recent years that I've seen, and recently my wife and I decided we were getting divorced as neither of us are happy. She's sweet, but she's not the one. The voice got louder.
In January, I met the one. They made the voice quieter. They made it stop altogether a lot of times. We were happy. Two days ago, she has gone zero contact, with no explanation. That voice is immeasurably loud now.
I went to the park today and made a video to post on YouTube, but I don't know if I will ever post it, as I don't think anyone would ever see it.
The last week has been the hardest of my entire life. I've lost the one person who made the voice quieter. There is no reason to continue trying.
I know my method will be SN or KN, but failing those, I'll just hang myself in the woods near my house.
I'm sorry for the novel I've written here. I just want something, anything, that proves I was here. Questions are welcome, and I'll answer everything as truthfully and openly as I possibly can.
