binjisoya
New Member
- Aug 13, 2026
- 1
Hello everyone, I'm new here and I guess I need to vent?
For reference I have Bipolar 1 and PTSD, and I've struggled with major depression and anxiety since I was a child (mainly from abuse). I recently spent a year being homeless and rebuilding my life from scratch has been so hard, and I really want to give up.
I've applied for disability 3 times and they keep denying me, and I can't manage to keep a stable job for very long because my attendance sucks since I'm always panicking, or hallucinating, having chronic insomnia, or just suicidal ideation in general. My family can't/won't help me because they say they can't handle my "episodes", and I'm far from home, and I don't have many friends. I had to drop out of high school because of my mental health and it ruined so much for me because I had always wanted to go to university, but now even getting my GED feels like an immense chore that I can't handle.
So now I'm stuck in shitty retail jobs, barely making enough to pay my bills, I have no one to really support me and I can't get assistance I need, I'm already struggling financially as it is. I feel like I won't ever be able to make it out of this hell hole. (Hell hole being the Midwest.)
The last time I was going to attempt was in high school when I was being abused, and now I'm turning back to that option again because I'm in my 20s feeling like this is where it ends again. The only thing that stops me is I'm scared of my attempt not working and being left even more disabled than I already am, and I'm scared of the pain. even with all my tattoos, piercings, SH, I'm scared of how death will feel in the process, it feels silly. of course dying will hurt. idk.
Part of me has been really stubborn about killing myself while still being in the Midwest, I feel like I don't want to let this horrible place win, it would be drab to die in such a place. but I feel like I'm not going to be able to get out anyway, so maybe I'll just have to become part of the cornfields or some other poetic shit.
I've been in therapy and on many medications since I was 13, everything is just too much now. I'm getting tired of going on every day and it feels like im just clocked out of my mind. I used to have hobbies and plans of what I wanted to do with myself but now I just worry about if I work tomorrow and when I can sleep again. I don't find enjoyment in anything, and when I do it's only fleeting and these empty feelings always come back. I don't think I have it in me to keep trying to build my life up again, especially by myself. I miss my mom.
searching for: community? related experiences? shared emotions? insightful thoughts? anything, really.
-sent from my Midwest room of despair.
For reference I have Bipolar 1 and PTSD, and I've struggled with major depression and anxiety since I was a child (mainly from abuse). I recently spent a year being homeless and rebuilding my life from scratch has been so hard, and I really want to give up.
I've applied for disability 3 times and they keep denying me, and I can't manage to keep a stable job for very long because my attendance sucks since I'm always panicking, or hallucinating, having chronic insomnia, or just suicidal ideation in general. My family can't/won't help me because they say they can't handle my "episodes", and I'm far from home, and I don't have many friends. I had to drop out of high school because of my mental health and it ruined so much for me because I had always wanted to go to university, but now even getting my GED feels like an immense chore that I can't handle.
So now I'm stuck in shitty retail jobs, barely making enough to pay my bills, I have no one to really support me and I can't get assistance I need, I'm already struggling financially as it is. I feel like I won't ever be able to make it out of this hell hole. (Hell hole being the Midwest.)
The last time I was going to attempt was in high school when I was being abused, and now I'm turning back to that option again because I'm in my 20s feeling like this is where it ends again. The only thing that stops me is I'm scared of my attempt not working and being left even more disabled than I already am, and I'm scared of the pain. even with all my tattoos, piercings, SH, I'm scared of how death will feel in the process, it feels silly. of course dying will hurt. idk.
Part of me has been really stubborn about killing myself while still being in the Midwest, I feel like I don't want to let this horrible place win, it would be drab to die in such a place. but I feel like I'm not going to be able to get out anyway, so maybe I'll just have to become part of the cornfields or some other poetic shit.
I've been in therapy and on many medications since I was 13, everything is just too much now. I'm getting tired of going on every day and it feels like im just clocked out of my mind. I used to have hobbies and plans of what I wanted to do with myself but now I just worry about if I work tomorrow and when I can sleep again. I don't find enjoyment in anything, and when I do it's only fleeting and these empty feelings always come back. I don't think I have it in me to keep trying to build my life up again, especially by myself. I miss my mom.
searching for: community? related experiences? shared emotions? insightful thoughts? anything, really.
-sent from my Midwest room of despair.
