Someone called the police on me.

[ella.gracep]

I can't believe this actually happened... I was outside lurking by the train tracks. i did not intend to step in front of the train, i was feeling kinda dissociated and calm and 'given up'. I went outside to collect myself, to get a grip bc i tried to hang myself (partial) just two hours earlier and that was the most horrible thing i have ever been through in my life. at home i was just sitting in the corner in the room crying and hyperventilating and rocking myself as a child would. the rope was still there and i alsmost did it. i don't want to go into it, i just felt it. i felt the passing out and i fought against it, failed, tried again etc pp. i had changed my mind but almost didn't make it out again. in full panic mode i decided to go outside and to just sit on the next free bench in the sun. yes i stood on the platform very still and moved up and back and YES i wanted to. but no train for me. at one point i heard sirens and that pulled me out of my trance and i decided to go home. as i was leaving the area i had seen police walking around on the platform but i srsly didn't think any of it. i kept walking and thought i'd heard footsteps behind me but was like "no" and then the "hey excuse me, pls wait" voice behind me. and then there were two officers in front of me. i'm in germany and young and female and skinny so nothing to fear really. they look at me and see no threat, which is a privilege i have and am grateful for. however i'm scared shit of the police bc we had been in contact (they had to break open my door a year ago and cut me down... cringe). as per protocol they had to call an ambulance and an emergency doctor. someone saw me and called the cops.. and i know how to talk myself out of it BUT there is a very clear mark around my neck from the rope and some blood vessels even burst and there was NO WAY i could talk myself out of that. the whole conversation or rather interrogation i was so so so scared someone would see. this was a fucking big scene. 6 police officers, 3 emt's and a doctor. also with all the squad cars... i am so ashamed but also sad. i wish so much i could have just said how i'm feeling and that i need help, that i'm afraid, that i'm hurt and how helpless und hopeless and alone i am. see, these people were genereally really nice and i wish so much that i could have told them, like just break down, FINALLY break down and tell a human person everything. but i was brushing it off. they were hesistant bc they "know" me (small town), they know that i'm in the outpatient setting of the psych ward, they obvs know about the incident last year. the doctor on call asked me what makes life living for me and i just sat there like ??? i literally almost died two hours earlier in that rope but ehm let me think of something real quick. i litereally said that tomorrow seems good and she wanted to know why. and i said i wanted to go to the gym and for a walk. and she wanted a third nice thing i can do tomorrow and i said reading. i felt like they ACTUALLY cared. i was glad when i was sent home but now i'm just so sad. i pretended that i was fine bc it was just so much pressure in this situation, but now i feel even worse. and guilty for causing this. also afraid that i will have to pay for the costs. i wish i would have been honest. i have no one to talk to and there i had the chance, i COULD HAVE, but i was a ciward. and now i feel like ctb, to finish what i started earlier. and i wonder if these transponders are gonna be the same ones to find me. would it be cringe if i left a note for them thanking them for being so kind and that i was just so afraid but i wished i was brave enough to ask for help?
i'm just so tired

 

[quickandeasy]

Op, I'm so sorry to hear that. Glad the medical personnel were so caring, not a lot of people are, they just make you feel like shit for even attempting. If it's not too personal, may I ask your reason for wanting to do this? If it's something that can be postponed and you can clear your mind regarding it, will you be able to do that?

 

[SomeoneHelpMe]

Hey, I am also from Germany and would love to talk! If thats ok, of course! :)
Having that happen is so scary! I cant even imagine the fear you must have gone through.

 

[ella.gracep]

Op, I'm so sorry to hear that. Glad the medical personnel were so caring, not a lot of people are, they just make you feel like shit for even attempting. If it's not too personal, may I ask your reason for wanting to do this? If it's something that can be postponed and you can clear your mind regarding it, will you be able to do that?

thank you for your kind words. i really am grateful for the way they treated me, hence i was thinking about leaving them a thank you.

the thing is that it is nothing to be postponed. my condition is chronic and treatment doesn't help. i have a range of diagnoses but they can't get treated properly bc they all interfere with each other and then i don't meet the requirements to get treatment for something specific. like for example i was on a wait list for two YEARS to get into an inpatient trauma therapy program. this program happens to be the only one that would take me in. so i tried my best to hold on for two years but another trauma happened and my ed got really bad and my body very sick. due to that they transferred me to another ward in their hospital. the idea was that i get a little fed up and then be able to take my ACTUAL spot that i waited for. well, the ED ward (and thus, the whole place) kicked me out after three weeks bc my trauma symptoms became too severe for them to help with, bc they were an "ed" ward. but trauma ward wouldnt take me. so yeah. i was sent home worse than before and my spot is just gone... puff. and thats the problem with my conditions: everything is so intertwined and mashed up that no one (even i) knows anymore where to start or what else to try. i did several rounds of different medds, had hospital stays, i have therapy twice a week, psychiatrist every other week, i have nutrition counselling. 6 years ago my life went from a dark place to a death place. i haven't been able to work or study since, i lost the few people i met in uni, my body is fucked up, my financials ruined, i live on disability rn which is nottttt a lot at all. and all this time, i've been doing my absolute best to at least prevent my suicide. the goal is to just not get worse rn. and that "right now" means the past 3 years. it's an ongoing crisis. i had to go to the ER so many times that they told me that i should be left to die so i won't come back. the ambulance crew knows my face. the police officer seemed familiar. and i'm ashamed of all of it. i'm 28 years old and had had so many attempts, that i stopped counting. the first attempt i had at five years old. i was used as a child, in many ways that i'm not gonna go into. locked in, starved etc, you name it. my base is completely fucked. i don't know how ANY therapy can fix it. no one can. i try so hard. so so hard. i force myself to get up every day, eat breakfast, write, go outside, read a little, go to the gym, do some gratitude work, go to therapy, take my meds, talk to my therapist but... at this point i feel like he is waiting for me to just do it. it must be so exhausting for him to work with me, and it IS. working with someone who is so suicidal and has to get treated for self inflicted injurys or broken into their house to be cut down or this today... it's exhausting. i started to wonder if he might actually want me to die, but just so that i can find peace or whatever. he knows that i have planned everything. hell, my psych adviced me to sign up for medically assisted suicide and she will put the paperwork in. lol.

so... i don't know if it makes sense when i say that i wish something acute is the cause bc then you can do something about something specific. but this way its just .... EVERXTHING. life is so not worht living and i am tired, i am so tired. i tried my best, really. i never gave up and still, it all gets worse

 

[ella.gracep]

Hey, I am also from Germany and would love to talk! If thats ok, of course! :)
Having that happen is so scary! I cant even imagine the fear you must have gone through.

hi! thanks for your reply. this is my first post here and didn't really think anyone would reply. if you're curious, read my reply to the other comment.

i just have so many issues from years and years and years that i can't start anywhere. rn i'm sitting here, had some microwave popcorn, my diary is next to me in which i apologise to the police (they'll read it). my phone is charged, i put my hair in a bun and am just "chilling" before i might just go outside tonight and hang myself on the one specific tree. what happened today was inside my appartemtn and this place is horrible for me, many bad things happened here. i kinda hope that i'm more likely to suffer less, when outside? i don't know. since you're also german you know it's almost dark.
i honestly don't want to go through this again, that felt so horrible, emotionally more than physically. i just don't know ANYTHING to lessen the pain. and also... if i make it through the night, what then? it's all gonna be the same tomorrow. i just want a hug

 

[Spit On My Grave]

Who called the police on you and why?

 

[Phobia_DLW]

I can't believe this actually happened... I was outside lurking by the train tracks. i did not intend to step in front of the train, i was feeling kinda dissociated and calm and 'given up'. I went outside to collect myself, to get a grip bc i tried to hang myself (partial) just two hours earlier and that was the most horrible thing i have ever been through in my life. at home i was just sitting in the corner in the room crying and hyperventilating and rocking myself as a child would. the rope was still there and i alsmost did it. i don't want to go into it, i just felt it. i felt the passing out and i fought against it, failed, tried again etc pp. i had changed my mind but almost didn't make it out again. in full panic mode i decided to go outside and to just sit on the next free bench in the sun. yes i stood on the platform very still and moved up and back and YES i wanted to. but no train for me. at one point i heard sirens and that pulled me out of my trance and i decided to go home. as i was leaving the area i had seen police walking around on the platform but i srsly didn't think any of it. i kept walking and thought i'd heard footsteps behind me but was like "no" and then the "hey excuse me, pls wait" voice behind me. and then there were two officers in front of me. i'm in germany and young and female and skinny so nothing to fear really. they look at me and see no threat, which is a privilege i have and am grateful for. however i'm scared shit of the police bc we had been in contact (they had to break open my door a year ago and cut me down... cringe). as per protocol they had to call an ambulance and an emergency doctor. someone saw me and called the cops.. and i know how to talk myself out of it BUT there is a very clear mark around my neck from the rope and some blood vessels even burst and there was NO WAY i could talk myself out of that. the whole conversation or rather interrogation i was so so so scared someone would see. this was a fucking big scene. 6 police officers, 3 emt's and a doctor. also with all the squad cars... i am so ashamed but also sad. i wish so much i could have just said how i'm feeling and that i need help, that i'm afraid, that i'm hurt and how helpless und hopeless and alone i am. see, these people were genereally really nice and i wish so much that i could have told them, like just break down, FINALLY break down and tell a human person everything. but i was brushing it off. they were hesistant bc they "know" me (small town), they know that i'm in the outpatient setting of the psych ward, they obvs know about the incident last year. the doctor on call asked me what makes life living for me and i just sat there like ??? i literally almost died two hours earlier in that rope but ehm let me think of something real quick. i litereally said that tomorrow seems good and she wanted to know why. and i said i wanted to go to the gym and for a walk. and she wanted a third nice thing i can do tomorrow and i said reading. i felt like they ACTUALLY cared. i was glad when i was sent home but now i'm just so sad. i pretended that i was fine bc it was just so much pressure in this situation, but now i feel even worse. and guilty for causing this. also afraid that i will have to pay for the costs. i wish i would have been honest. i have no one to talk to and there i had the chance, i COULD HAVE, but i was a ciward. and now i feel like ctb, to finish what i started earlier. and i wonder if these transponders are gonna be the same ones to find me. would it be cringe if i left a note for them thanking them for being so kind and that i was just so afraid but i wished i was brave enough to ask for help?
i'm just so tired

Hi, I can somewhat relate, I also had a few episodes of some asshole calling the authorities on me (I am the asshole, well kinda, cause I only called the prevention line to talk and they decided to call them without my knowledge). Difference is I am a big ass dude so they sent extra cops, I even told them I am not a threat and they assured me that it is just protocol. Likewise, the EMT and the cops were super nice and chill, especially the EMT lady was very caring and I also really wanted to talk to her and open up, I even did to a small extent but not fully. I am also in a small town so yeah.

I also regret not opening up but there is just this damn feeling inside me that won't let me open up, I can't even say what it is, its just instinct. I would tell you that it would be a good idea for you to open up to them if you want to but I am the last person to say that to anyone.

Also I think leaving them a note would be pretty sweet and they would appreciate it, public employees don't get much appreciation.

It is not fair to experience the pain you are experiencing and I wish it would have been different for all of us, I hope it gets better.

 

[ella.gracep]

Hi, I can somewhat relate, I also had a few episodes of some asshole calling the authorities on me (I am the asshole, well kinda, cause I only called the prevention line to talk and they decided to call them without my knowledge). Difference is I am a big ass dude so they sent extra cops, I even told them I am not a threat and they assured me that it is just protocol. Likewise, the EMT and the cops were super nice and chill, especially the EMT lady was very caring and I also really wanted to talk to her and open up, I even did to a small extent but not fully. I am also in a small town so yeah.

I also regret not opening up but there is just this damn feeling inside me that won't let me open up, I can't even say what it is, its just instinct. I would tell you that it would be a good idea for you to open up to them if you want to but I am the last person to say that to anyone.

Also I think leaving them a note would be pretty sweet and they would appreciate it, public employees don't get much appreciation.

It is not fair to experience the pain you are experiencing and I wish it would have been different for all of us, I hope it gets better.

Nice of you to say this and also kinda glad you can relate to a situation like mine today. I'm still kinda spooked. I feel so guilty and ashamed that now I feel even more pressured to do it. What's wrong with me ahhhh

Did it get better for you? What happened after the situation you had with the authorities?

Who called the police on you and why?

I don't know who called but it must have been some person waiting in the train station seeing me, even tho I was on the very very far end, where the platform ends. So idk who could have seen me there? The train station was mostly empty anyways, small town, Sunday afternoon.

And they called bc I guess they were worried I was gonna step in front of a train

 

[Phobia_DLW]

Nice of you to say this and also kinda glad you can relate to a situation like mine today. I'm still kinda spooked. I feel so guilty and ashamed that now I feel even more pressured to do it. What's wrong with me ahhhh

Did it get better for you? What happened after the situation you had with the authorities?

I don't know who called but it must have been some person waiting in the train station seeing me, even tho I was on the very very far end, where the platform ends. So idk who could have seen me there? The train station was mostly empty anyways, small town, Sunday afternoon.

And they called bc I guess they were worried I was gonna step in front of a train

Could the pressure be due to the "genie being out the bottle" and, well, feeling like it is inevitable so might as well get it done with ASAP?

Nah, I wish it would have gotten better but I am deeply hurt and struggle with my own past so much, I am not sure if it can get better tbh.

Basically what happened was I had to see a psychiatrist, I lied about how I feel and convinced her I was fine and was let go.

Do you see yourself attempting again?

 

[Forveleth]

I really wish cities/countries would set up mental health teams to respond to situations like this instead of the police. I always think how much better things would go if you were not being approached by the same people who haul away murders and shoot people. It creates such an intimidating atmosphere.

I am sorry OP. That sounds like a very not helpful situation.

 

[ella.gracep]

Could the pressure be due to the "genie being out the bottle" and, well, feeling like it is inevitable so might as well get it done with ASAP?

Nah, I wish it would have gotten better but I am deeply hurt and struggle with my own past so much, I am not sure if it can get better tbh.

Basically what happened was I had to see a psychiatrist, I lied about how I feel and convinced her I was fine and was let go.

Do you see yourself attempting again?

I'm in treatment but for the past at least 5 months I have not felt like being taken seriously. I was being told " but you're still alive tho. If you really wanted to die, you'd be dead by now."
That's just one example. Last Tuesday I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and I told her about my preparations, like the letters I wrote, that I cleaned out my entire attic and appartment, written down all my passwords and where I want to be buried for my family etc. I told my psych that. A doctor. You know what she said? She was still in her cheerful mood and recommended me to sign myself up for medically assisted death and that she'll set up a paper I can send in with my application. Like wtf?
These people there in the outpatient hospital, they do not take me srsly. And that kills me. Might sound dramatic but suffering is one thing. Suffering in silence is another thing but I used to be someone who speaks up in therapy. I do a lot of self reflection and can articulate myself clearly (English is not my first language, so might not seem like it here lol). But even if I share things like I just said.. it's worth NOTHING. Not only do I feel ignored in my suffering, I feel humiliated in a way and I feel pushed to suicide. Someone told me "you're one of the people who make the world a worse place, just kill yourself already"

I've been invalidated so much in my "suicidal pain", that u have issues believing myself that it's true. Sometimes I feel like I have to take my own life to prove to myself that I Didn't make it all up. I mean I know I don't but if you're being treated like you are, at some point you might start doubting yourself.

I written a letter to my therapist and therefore also to the outpatient Clinic there. He will get it when I'm dead. It states that I took my life bc I can't take it anymore feeling so humiliated and that I don't understand why they didn't believe me when I expressed suicidal thoughts? But I also asked him for the favor to believe my words now.
I'm supposed to have an appointment there Tuesday morning and I truly hope that I'll be dead by then. And now with the police incident, yes I feel even more pressured. But yeah in general I feel driven to do it.
It's almost 1am where I live (Berlin Time Zone) and I considering going out in the forest to hang myself there tonight but am afraid that it's too Late already. There's a bank holiday here tmr (Monday) so people are probably out drinking and might stumble by to take a shortcut home.
I still have to get to the spot with my bike, which I will have to push for a fair bit. I will need 2h at least and then it's 3am.. I don't wanna risk being interrupted

 

[Phobia_DLW]

I'm in treatment but for the past at least 5 months I have not felt like being taken seriously. I was being told " but you're still alive tho. If you really wanted to die, you'd be dead by now."
That's just one example. Last Tuesday I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and I told her about my preparations, like the letters I wrote, that I cleaned out my entire attic and appartment, written down all my passwords and where I want to be buried for my family etc. I told my psych that. A doctor. You know what she said? She was still in her cheerful mood and recommended me to sign myself up for medically assisted death and that she'll set up a paper I can send in with my application. Like wtf?
These people there in the outpatient hospital, they do not take me srsly. And that kills me. Might sound dramatic but suffering is one thing. Suffering in silence is another thing but I used to be someone who speaks up in therapy. I do a lot of self reflection and can articulate myself clearly (English is not my first language, so might not seem like it here lol). But even if I share things like I just said.. it's worth NOTHING. Not only do I feel ignored in my suffering, I feel humiliated in a way and I feel pushed to suicide. Someone told me "you're one of the people who make the world a worse place, just kill yourself already"

I've been invalidated so much in my "suicidal pain", that u have issues believing myself that it's true. Sometimes I feel like I have to take my own life to prove to myself that I Didn't make it all up. I mean I know I don't but if you're being treated like you are, at some point you might start doubting yourself.

I written a letter to my therapist and therefore also to the outpatient Clinic there. He will get it when I'm dead. It states that I took my life bc I can't take it anymore feeling so humiliated and that I don't understand why they didn't believe me when I expressed suicidal thoughts? But I also asked him for the favor to believe my words now.
I'm supposed to have an appointment there Tuesday morning and I truly hope that I'll be dead by then. And now with the police incident, yes I feel even more pressured. But yeah in general I feel driven to do it.
It's almost 1am where I live (Berlin Time Zone) and I considering going out in the forest to hang myself there tonight but am afraid that it's too Late already. There's a bank holiday here tmr (Monday) so people are probably out drinking and might stumble by to take a shortcut home.
I still have to get to the spot with my bike, which I will have to push for a fair bit. I will need 2h at least and then it's 3am.. I don't wanna risk being interrupted

This reminds of of this one nurse who was a total dickhead when I was taken to a hospital, he was being really weird towards me so I asked him "it seems like you don't like me being here" and he replied with "Yea I don't like drunk people showing up here"...I wasn't there cause I was drunk you asshole...Do these people not receieve adequate training??

It must be worse in your case since it wasn't a nurse but a psychiatrist who told you that. Sorry about that mate, you (and all of us) deserve better.

It takes so much guts and courage to talk about these things and for it to simply get dismissed is awful. Silence is my only friend nowadays haha.

If it makes any difference, you are not making the world a worse place for me (and I am sure for everyone else here).

I wonder if the invalidation is some sort of sick twisted tactic that they use and think works?

Regarding your letter, is it to simply prove a point? If so, how effective would that be?

If you are not sure about CTB, I would ask you not to do it, it is also late here, 12:21 AM currently.

Do you think a different MH team might be useful? Or is it just simply too late?

Also, if I may ask, what is pushing you towards CTB?