I can't believe this actually happened... I was outside lurking by the train tracks. i did not intend to step in front of the train, i was feeling kinda dissociated and calm and 'given up'. I went outside to collect myself, to get a grip bc i tried to hang myself (partial) just two hours earlier and that was the most horrible thing i have ever been through in my life. at home i was just sitting in the corner in the room crying and hyperventilating and rocking myself as a child would. the rope was still there and i alsmost did it. i don't want to go into it, i just felt it. i felt the passing out and i fought against it, failed, tried again etc pp. i had changed my mind but almost didn't make it out again. in full panic mode i decided to go outside and to just sit on the next free bench in the sun. yes i stood on the platform very still and moved up and back and YES i wanted to. but no train for me. at one point i heard sirens and that pulled me out of my trance and i decided to go home. as i was leaving the area i had seen police walking around on the platform but i srsly didn't think any of it. i kept walking and thought i'd heard footsteps behind me but was like "no" and then the "hey excuse me, pls wait" voice behind me. and then there were two officers in front of me. i'm in germany and young and female and skinny so nothing to fear really. they look at me and see no threat, which is a privilege i have and am grateful for. however i'm scared shit of the police bc we had been in contact (they had to break open my door a year ago and cut me down... cringe). as per protocol they had to call an ambulance and an emergency doctor. someone saw me and called the cops.. and i know how to talk myself out of it BUT there is a very clear mark around my neck from the rope and some blood vessels even burst and there was NO WAY i could talk myself out of that. the whole conversation or rather interrogation i was so so so scared someone would see. this was a fucking big scene. 6 police officers, 3 emt's and a doctor. also with all the squad cars... i am so ashamed but also sad. i wish so much i could have just said how i'm feeling and that i need help, that i'm afraid, that i'm hurt and how helpless und hopeless and alone i am. see, these people were genereally really nice and i wish so much that i could have told them, like just break down, FINALLY break down and tell a human person everything. but i was brushing it off. they were hesistant bc they "know" me (small town), they know that i'm in the outpatient setting of the psych ward, they obvs know about the incident last year. the doctor on call asked me what makes life living for me and i just sat there like ??? i literally almost died two hours earlier in that rope but ehm let me think of something real quick. i litereally said that tomorrow seems good and she wanted to know why. and i said i wanted to go to the gym and for a walk. and she wanted a third nice thing i can do tomorrow and i said reading. i felt like they ACTUALLY cared. i was glad when i was sent home but now i'm just so sad. i pretended that i was fine bc it was just so much pressure in this situation, but now i feel even worse. and guilty for causing this. also afraid that i will have to pay for the costs. i wish i would have been honest. i have no one to talk to and there i had the chance, i COULD HAVE, but i was a ciward. and now i feel like ctb, to finish what i started earlier. and i wonder if these transponders are gonna be the same ones to find me. would it be cringe if i left a note for them thanking them for being so kind and that i was just so afraid but i wished i was brave enough to ask for help?
i'm just so tired
i'm just so tired
