Oddly started out as a mostly optimistic joyful little kid with some burgeoning signs of negative thought patterns, but overall lack of self-consciousness made that mostly a moot point.
Around 10 I became suddenly self-conscious. I remember asking my mom what is this strange feeling. She told me I was becoming older and self aware. And I was being slammed with social anxiety and negative thoughts and self loathing, feelings of isolation, etc. It didn't get better and I hated being alive.
I felt like a burden and waste of space. My family also reminded me I was a burden to them all the time. I didn't have friends or a family to take refuge in. I wanted to leave but I kept thinking, it has to get better at some point right? It's this small town, not many options for friends. Eventually I will move out of this house and this town and start a family. Once I'm not alone I will enjoy being alive, I won't feel like a waste of space. I'll enjoy life like other people seem to, right?
But that never happened. Every where I went, I was still a burden, still not useful, still a drag on people around me. Only right now my little kids find me useful, but when they get older and more aware, I know it will change.
I realize now this is not going to change. I'm always a burden, I don't contribute to society and I don't enjoy life. It's been so many years. I'm so tired. I've been and still am on so much medication. I'm exhausted. What's the point?
Around 10 I became suddenly self-conscious. I remember asking my mom what is this strange feeling. She told me I was becoming older and self aware. And I was being slammed with social anxiety and negative thoughts and self loathing, feelings of isolation, etc. It didn't get better and I hated being alive.
I felt like a burden and waste of space. My family also reminded me I was a burden to them all the time. I didn't have friends or a family to take refuge in. I wanted to leave but I kept thinking, it has to get better at some point right? It's this small town, not many options for friends. Eventually I will move out of this house and this town and start a family. Once I'm not alone I will enjoy being alive, I won't feel like a waste of space. I'll enjoy life like other people seem to, right?
But that never happened. Every where I went, I was still a burden, still not useful, still a drag on people around me. Only right now my little kids find me useful, but when they get older and more aware, I know it will change.
I realize now this is not going to change. I'm always a burden, I don't contribute to society and I don't enjoy life. It's been so many years. I'm so tired. I've been and still am on so much medication. I'm exhausted. What's the point?
