Venting Almost 30 and I don't want to continue

[Darkarage]

I'm 29 and I've been struggling with depression since I was 18.. I have been stumbling sice then and now I realized a lot.

I felt in love a few times, crashed two times and in the second one I was able to repair my car. For some reason I was able to get a good job by lucky but with the time I just felt tired and finally decided to quit it. I traveled around all my country (Guatemala).

I worked as a technician for clinical laboratory equipment... (Yes I was good at it, but it is bad payed and also tired as you travel all around the country) Finally by exhaust I left it.

Changed career at the university once and now I feel like I will never end it (from laws to electronics, bad idea too).

I don't know why I achieved all of that. I never had enough courage to affront life. I always felt like I will end up CTB.

This is like my 5th time in this forum, never made a friend because I was never able to talk English fluently.

Since my last job all I thought was that I have money to end it all, not too much but this time I don't want to loose time. Inert gas seems to be my most reliable go to method.

I asked for help, I'm currently in therapy once a week. But being honest it just don't work.

I drink meds, I tried to keep in contact with family and friends. Fell in love and ruined it on purpose knowing that depression always returns.

I still live with my family. Just my older brother is successful. He has traveled to other countries with his family, achieved to buy a house, all while I was just surviving or trying to repair my errors.

My other brother lives with us, and his wife too (I hate both, but I still talk with them sometimes).

I'm good at ruining good opportunities, but just because I always fear about everything, I just panic or I just don't never feel enough to accomplish things.

I'm so negative, I hate my country and I just feel like it will just be worse in the future. I fear AI and global warming.

The last months heat rised due to "el niño" phenomenon..

And even that made me felt worse.

The point is that, I don't want to keep living like this. Like I will never achieve nothing done completely. Not even life.

I'm basically disabled by depression I can't be stable at a work. I can't continue with life or cope with it.

I live in a third world country. Yes I'm privileged because my family cares a bit about me, I always have food, clothes, gasoline for my car. But they can't do much for me at this point, I mean yes, they talk to me, they ask me if I need money, they pay the university...

But the for hells sake, I don't want to live since 10+ years ago!

So I just think, why do I just don't end up everything right?

I tried my best. Repaired most of my errors. I've being sober for almost a year+ now.

Everything is stable at some point. So it could be a good point to end it all.

The only problem is the difficulty to find a way on how. I'm not alone most of the time so finding the moment will be difficult.

And I don't really care if the method hurts or it is painful. Can't hang myself, cutting maybe. But I don't want to make a huge scene as they live here too.

So inert gas seems reliable. By other way taking fertilizers or directly poison for insects. Yes both truly painful. But they work.

As I know both are the most common ways to ctb it in my country.

Wish I could buy sn, but I tried to find it here before and it is almost impossible. Buying it from the internet or international, seems almost impossible too as it is regulated.

God, I wish death where easier but no. Your body will always try to survive, due to our stupid survival instinct.

I wish as a lot of people here, someone could tell us: "hey take this, it will do the job"... But no.

No one will save you & either, no one will give you the peaceful pill by miracle...
I'm even at a good condition. Strong and healthy. Got a vaccine last day.

But why? If I just want to die!!!!

-> Clarifying, it was just because by social pressure.

So now I'm at a limbo, I don't want to live, but can't die peaceful. That's why I considered more painful methods, as planning as the pph book describes, is not an option.

Neither a normal life as, as soon as I get a job, I just felt like I'm not ever prepared and I finish quiting it.

I can't change country, I can't change city. All the work related to my career is in the production industry or industrial electricity. I'm not able to do such thing as a depressed person..

It is like a no sense history mine at some point. I feel stupid for kept trying.

There are more details, like when I kissed a guy older than me (I'm not gay, but that made fall in a hard existential crysis) - I don't have a formal diagnosis, but I'm sure I'm kinda like bpd or with high skills.

Neither, I don't fucking care anymore.

My history is kinda ridiculous. Maybe not to bad at some point, but depression striked, panic too and I ruined everything. And I keep doing it.

I always wonder what will be my next error and what I will suffer and how much time to recover, repair or "learn" from it.

But even pretending to be that positive I know it is not the point. I will not be able to done such things never.

I want to fucking die, god please.. I'm scared of life.