Venting Selfish vent

[BecomingTired]

I always thought my suicidal tendencies was caused by my situation, that if I ever get a better standing in life I would be far more happy about life; I was so convinced by the people around me and myself telling me that I am only depressed because I was in a bad situation.

But why is it that I'm so depressed while my life seeming to be going upwards as I almost reach 19? I no longer have to live in a broken and severely abusive household soon, haven't been bullied in years, I earn my own money, I won't be considered homeless anymore, I'm well liked by people and used to be in a somewhat committed relationship. But I am so so fucking tired of everything and just want it all to end already, I'm just too abnormal to ever live happily even if I'm at the peak of life; I should've genuinely died that night.

I barely can hold it together anymore. I faked my personality with people irl to the point of me being unable to distinguish the real me, I keep thinking in ways I don't normally think even when I'm alone; it's suffocating, yet whenever I accidentally reveal my real autistic self I get reminded why I even hide it in the first place. I genuinely think I might be going insane, I been at this tug of war of going between emotionally detached to severely depressed for so long and there's not even a single coherent trigger to why it happens. I can't even process anymore whether the events in front of me is truly happening or not.

And life in general just doesn't seem worth it to me, I have no goals, no dreams, no purpose. Anything remotely related I ever expressed just been what I thought people would expect I'd dream of; every hobby/interest I've formed have been because I realised the people around me was interested in it. The only time I ever actually liked something from my own violation was watching crime shows, reading manga and playing games lmao, I'm such a fake person it genuinely hurts. I built this idealised person I never actually was to get trapped in the countless different people I created to interact with every "friends" or "acquaintance" I've made. I have no real bond or attachment to them at all but I have to keep up pretences to seem normal.
No-one truly likes me, I have no-one genuinely. Even now Ik no-one truly fucking cares what I had to say in this post because it isn't what people want out of me. I try to be myself more online but I still feel as though I'm somewhat in-character no matter how desperately I try to be "real", and end up just becoming another person again like irl, fitting in but feeling no pleasure at all.
I do have a few online friends I genuinely consider real friends that I feel like I express myself with but I just can't bring myself to discuss anything too major or deep with them about how I feel because I already know that I'm severely abnormal in every way possible in how I think, i view everything too differently from anyone and everyone to ever really open myself up to them fully, it's obvious they are gonna judge me and think I'm just making something out of nothing.

I just feel as though I'm missing bits that make some truly human in a literal and personal sense, i feel no real attachment to love or sex like others, I fail to comprehend others without having to hyper analyse how they behave, I am constantly tired no matter how I sleep, i pass out randomly whenever im alone, I easily feel sick, I dissociate to the point of barely telling reality at points in time, I start to hallucinate if I'm feeling too unwell, im such a fucking mess in every possible way; why does it even matter anymore.

I could easily point to the fact that the reason i am this way for a big part of my life I had no friends, severely bullied up to 14, my only parent despising me and abusing me while venting that I caused her life to be ruined as she raised me to only love my step siblings once she got together with my stepfather and my family was homeless with the only revenue we were getting was from benefits, etc but at the same time I already know that these issues existed ever since I was born, the environment just made it more obvious to me that I could never be normal. I could at best replicate it while feeling absolutely nothing inside.

Am I really just expected live out the rest of my life like this? I genuinely don't feel alive, in a way where I am an NPC or an extra with something controlling every action, decision and thought I ever made for it's own sick amusement.

Even now I'm typing this without being able to tell how I'm feeling. Just typing away my thoughts with not much emotion even though I was tearing up somewhat.

I'm can't even be sure if I will be able to bring myself to ctb on October 1st, I just don't want to exist. Why was I even born?

 

[BecomingTired]

I feel as though rereading my own vents tells me a lot about myself, I really should just stop interacting with people entirely. I can't even bring myself to tell someone i care for to not ctb without overthinking everything and worrying about what they'd think of me, im such a fucking loser fake friend and fake person fake fake fake

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

If someone else is hurting, does it also hurt you? Like your friend. You want to tell them not to do it, right? Is that because you'll lose them, or because you don't want them to hurt?

I feel your followup hard. I feel exactly the same way. Like I can't connect with anyone at all. It feels like all people are my enemy, by nature. Like others hate me the moment they see me. I have no idea what it is about me that causes others to hate me so much.

I'm sorry you feel this way. :(

 

[ihatemyselfwanttodi]

Wow OP I'm really sorry. I can relate a lot to what you're saying and how you feel. Also much of your upbringing and early childhood experiences sound identical to mine. Please feel free to reach out if you need to chat with someone. I hope we both can find peace.

 

[BecomingTired]

If someone else is hurting, does it also hurt you? Like your friend. You want to tell them not to do it, right? Is that because you'll lose them, or because you don't want them to hurt?

I feel your followup hard. I feel exactly the same way. Like I can't connect with anyone at all. It feels like all people are my enemy, by nature. Like others hate me the moment they see me. I have no idea what it is about me that causes others to hate me so much.

I'm sorry you feel this way. :(

Both, and yes it does; especially if it's a genuine friend.

Thank you for the kind response though, im sorry it's the same with you too…. You seem like a sweet person from this response alone

Wow OP I'm really sorry. I can relate a lot to what you're saying and how you feel. Also much of your upbringing and early childhood experiences sound identical to mine. Please feel free to reach out if you need to chat with someone. I hope we both can find peace.

I hope for peace to the both of us as well, and thank you for the support I'll keep that in mind

 

[takuyablackbox]

i really relate! especially with the age :/ . i'm 19 this year, and it's a very weird time in your life. but it seems you just genuinely suffer from depression, i'm sorry you're going through that. i just recently scheduled my own psychiatrist appointment and actually took my first antidepressant today! (had to wait to be an adult since my parents didn't give a shit about mental health) . ctb should be the option you pick when all other ones fail. i have a friend who tells me that antidepressants saved her life, but it's still gonna take a month or so for mine to start kicking in. idk if you're medicated already or not, but if you're still unsure about ctb, just try keeping that in mind!

sending virtual hugs <3

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

Both, and yes it does; especially if it's a genuine friend.

Thank you for the kind response though, im sorry it's the same with you too…. You seem like a sweet person from this response alone

I hope for peace to the both of us as well, and thank you for the support I'll keep that in mind

Haha. I like to think of myself as a rough and tumble dangerous person, but I suppose I am a softie deep down. That's why I'm ctb'ing instead of hurting the people who have hurt me, I guess. And you're welcome. It hurts me when others are hurting, too. I hope for peace for both of us, too. :)

 

[Lost Kin]

I can relate to a lot of points you mentioned here. I also just don't why I still fell so depressed at times, even tho my life goes up hill. I thought if I finish the things that causes me stress, like finishing my driving license or finding a job after school, that my feeling get better. But still I feel the same emptiness as before.

Also, I can strongly relate to the point you made about telling your friends how you feel. I also find it hard to tell my friends or loved ones how I truly fell about them, even little things like saying that I care for them is hard for me.

I think that the cause of this is how I grew up. Like you, I was also bullied for a good part through school. Cause of that, I think I developed the tendency to keep my feelings to my self. And with my family this behavior just got stronger, because of how I was treated. In my family it was the standard to rarely talk about your feelings and also for the man in the family to be strong and to never cry.

I don't think, just because you have trouble conveying your feelings or how you feel to your friends, that you're a fake friend. But I can also feel why you feel that way, I also beat myself up sometimes because how useless I feel something about not helping my friends emotionally.