Venting Sabotaging yourself to keep yourself at low points

[Cosmiq]

While I was already in a low mood before my job offer fell through due to Covid-19, being unemployed definitely helped keep my mind clear of distractions and false senses of hope.
I've only sent my resume out twice since then, and not getting a reply kept me in this mood.
However, I got an interview it went really well and now I'm conflicted because I wanted to get rejected.
I feel like it's highly likely I'll get an offer because the guy asked about my references, and turns out he knows both of them and very fond of them. I kinda just thought it'd be another way to burn out any "hope" that tries to grow. A lot of the companies in my field try to low-ball, if that happens it'll give me a logical reason to turn down the offer. If they offer the amount or more, I feel obligated to sort of take the job.

It's like I have to prove to myself that there's no hope for me, and I must expose all the false hope that comes my way trying to get me to further endure staying alive

 

[muffin222]

I can understand what you mean. I've found that there's a self-sabotaging part of me that actively resists hope, change, or positive changes and possibilities. It feels safer to believe that there's no hope in anything than to open up to the possibility of things getting better because unexpected failure and disappointment in the face of hope feels unbearable to me. I don't know how to reconcile these two opposing parts- it's a silent inner war for me. I'm sorry you're dealing with this inner conflict

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I have a habit of self sabotaging for sure. It's not necessarily to make myself feel worse, but it sure does end up doing that anyway.

 

[Cosmiq]

I can understand what you mean. I've found that there's a self-sabotaging part of me that actively resists hope, change, or positive changes and possibilities. It feels safer to believe that there's no hope in anything than to open up to the possibility of things getting better because unexpected failure and disappointment in the face of hope feels unbearable to me. I don't know how to reconcile these two opposing parts- it's a silent inner war for me. I'm sorry you're dealing with this inner conflict

Thanks for this, it really is how I feel and I'm sorry you're dealing with this too. It does make me feel less crazy to know others struggle and have the same conflicting parts going on within them among other things.

 

[muffin222]

Thanks for this, it really is how I feel and I'm sorry you're dealing with this too. It does make me feel less crazy to know others struggle and have the same conflicting parts going on within them among other things.

You're definitely not crazy. There are so many hidden inner aspects to existence that no one ever seems to really talk about. It can make you feel so alone in your struggles