pony No.2
Pony
- Oct 22, 2024
- 40
Okay so, some context on why I want to die.
I've made up my mind about dying, even if I'm too cowardly at first, I know that death is better than whatever false hope or temporary relief and fragile happiness life will offer, I really don't see a point in staying alive anymore. I've been suffering from suicidal ideation since 10 and now I'm showing signs of a chronic illness and I'm always in pain. The good stuff in life isn't enough of a reason for me to stay alive anymore, I can't enjoy those things if I'm worried about money.
I'm also a very sensitive person and socializing feels like torture, I hate rejection and it feels like a personal vendetta, I also have sensory issues due to being neurodivergent, I get stressed easily and feel extreme sadness if I sense someone is upset with me. I have a hard time keeping and maintaining relationships. My mom is horrible towards me, never offering emotional support, saying fucked up things to me all while knowing I'm already suicidal and depressed, she rarely apologizes and does nice things when she feels guilty. My friends barely have time to spend with me, it's always a hi and bye, too busy with their own lives. I also have trauma. Almost everyday I'm sad or agitated and it feels like torture, safety plans and coping mechanisms don't work.
The state of the world, pollution and irreversible climate change, an awful president, and a government system that makes it harder for the average US citizen to just survive, everything costs money and is expensive. We don't even have free healthcare. Therapy never worked and was only a temporary fix for my much deeper issues. After everything I've been through, people would still have the audacity to say that I need to keep living, for what? A fucked up economy and an Earth thats on the verge of collapsing? Capitalism? No.
I'll buy a rope soon, but what should I do with it? I don't know how to go about hanging, I remember briefly trying to suffocate myself and it hurt a bit and I felt my pulse in my ears. I didn't like that at all. I'm trying to make it painless and make it feel like I'm falling asleep, it might be partial hanging because I don't have a higher place to tie it besides my closet. This method is my last hope, unless I get prescription meds for my chronic pain to overdose on, this is it.
I've made up my mind about dying, even if I'm too cowardly at first, I know that death is better than whatever false hope or temporary relief and fragile happiness life will offer, I really don't see a point in staying alive anymore. I've been suffering from suicidal ideation since 10 and now I'm showing signs of a chronic illness and I'm always in pain. The good stuff in life isn't enough of a reason for me to stay alive anymore, I can't enjoy those things if I'm worried about money.
I'm also a very sensitive person and socializing feels like torture, I hate rejection and it feels like a personal vendetta, I also have sensory issues due to being neurodivergent, I get stressed easily and feel extreme sadness if I sense someone is upset with me. I have a hard time keeping and maintaining relationships. My mom is horrible towards me, never offering emotional support, saying fucked up things to me all while knowing I'm already suicidal and depressed, she rarely apologizes and does nice things when she feels guilty. My friends barely have time to spend with me, it's always a hi and bye, too busy with their own lives. I also have trauma. Almost everyday I'm sad or agitated and it feels like torture, safety plans and coping mechanisms don't work.
The state of the world, pollution and irreversible climate change, an awful president, and a government system that makes it harder for the average US citizen to just survive, everything costs money and is expensive. We don't even have free healthcare. Therapy never worked and was only a temporary fix for my much deeper issues. After everything I've been through, people would still have the audacity to say that I need to keep living, for what? A fucked up economy and an Earth thats on the verge of collapsing? Capitalism? No.
I'll buy a rope soon, but what should I do with it? I don't know how to go about hanging, I remember briefly trying to suffocate myself and it hurt a bit and I felt my pulse in my ears. I didn't like that at all. I'm trying to make it painless and make it feel like I'm falling asleep, it might be partial hanging because I don't have a higher place to tie it besides my closet. This method is my last hope, unless I get prescription meds for my chronic pain to overdose on, this is it.
