Not sure how this post will go, just rambling whatever thoughts are on my mind but I just got done reading an article about a 23-year old woman who seemingly had a lot going for her in life. She had an good career, future plans, recently bought a car, had friends and didn't seem to be pulled or held back by her mental health. Obviously we deal with our MH differently but it didn't seem to stop her living her life. I can't help but compare the life of others with my own life, and think about how they've worked so hard for the lifestyle they have and built their social circle, and then there's me who hasn't necessarily built anything worthwhile of my life, desperately want to die, socially isolated and alone but I'm still here. They had more to lose, yet still had more courage. It makes me feel so pathetic and weak.
Moreover, she caught the bus at home, in her bedroom while her family were downstairs, with all the risk that she could be found too soon or make too much noise before or during but that didn't matter because their determination and will outweighed the risk of not succeeding. It just makes me struggle to understand what am I doing. Why am I wasting time by procrastinating what is ultimately inevitable and what I want. I look at the items for my suicide, yet I'm not proactively setting it up.. or I'm telling myself later, later, tomorrow, later, I have time. I don't have time. I'm running out of time before life really wants to drag me through the gutter. I sit at home and everyday I'm reading news about the latest suicides, seeing all these other people across the country or around the world put their thoughts to actions and do something about it! I need to do something about it
I can't take life like this anymore.. why do I feel so trapped and paralysed when it comes to acting out my own suicide. I know I'm capable of doing it but I can't understand why I'm holding myself back. I hate my life, my body, my mind, my past, present and future.. I wish we had a kill switch in our brains to make this easier
Moreover, she caught the bus at home, in her bedroom while her family were downstairs, with all the risk that she could be found too soon or make too much noise before or during but that didn't matter because their determination and will outweighed the risk of not succeeding. It just makes me struggle to understand what am I doing. Why am I wasting time by procrastinating what is ultimately inevitable and what I want. I look at the items for my suicide, yet I'm not proactively setting it up.. or I'm telling myself later, later, tomorrow, later, I have time. I don't have time. I'm running out of time before life really wants to drag me through the gutter. I sit at home and everyday I'm reading news about the latest suicides, seeing all these other people across the country or around the world put their thoughts to actions and do something about it! I need to do something about it
I can't take life like this anymore.. why do I feel so trapped and paralysed when it comes to acting out my own suicide. I know I'm capable of doing it but I can't understand why I'm holding myself back. I hate my life, my body, my mind, my past, present and future.. I wish we had a kill switch in our brains to make this easier
