I know that none of this is that bad -apart from mental illness - which ruins everything. I am so tired of mental illness. I am so tired of depending on weed every day just to function. I am lucky it helps me - and I have just had enough of everything.
The other thing is I've just stopped being in contact with my mum, as she left the country to go travelling last year, when I was bedridden and needed her, and has never once offered me a bed or shelter since my marriage broke down and I've been so unwell. She has never been a supportive or regular mother. I tried for years to keep in touch with her and tolerate/cope with the way she has called me names and abused me, making excuses for her and making some new age excuses for how her behaviour was teaching my soul lessons or some such shit. I have reached the end of keeping in touch with her now, because she is not there for me at all, when I have no-where to go, when I am ill. So that's it - the reality of having no mother sinks in.
Now my boyfriend is asking me to move out of where I've been staying with him - we aren't breaking up - but it was the thing in my life I was most happy about staying here and one of the times I have been most consistently happy (because of lsd helping and also weed and also being here). So back in with dad at age 40. I know I'm lucky to have somewhere to go. I have some money from divorce (yay mental illness ruining everything, taking away my home, my marriage, my future...but the marriage was also always difficult). I can't afford anywhere near where anyone I know is - so I could move miles away and start all over again - or don't know what to do. He has saved my life, definitely, not that I want it right now - so I am grateful to him, but this is such short notice to leave.
Then my work are bullying me, and I have to do hours of work if I want to a) prove them wrong and b) raise a grievance. It's been going on for weeks and I am tired. But F*CK them I am going to fight some more if I can.
All of this would be okay if it wasn't for mental illness. I just can't take much more and I don't see the point of putting in all this effort to feed myself and live - when I have had enough and I am not enjoying anything. I'd rather just die, then who cares what happens to any of it. It's just a waste of money to pay rent, get food etc - what is the point of any of it. I want out.
I'm sorry I don't communicate well on here - whenever I write on here, I feel like there are bricks in my head and I can't think straight again.
Thanks if you read it.
The other thing is I've just stopped being in contact with my mum, as she left the country to go travelling last year, when I was bedridden and needed her, and has never once offered me a bed or shelter since my marriage broke down and I've been so unwell. She has never been a supportive or regular mother. I tried for years to keep in touch with her and tolerate/cope with the way she has called me names and abused me, making excuses for her and making some new age excuses for how her behaviour was teaching my soul lessons or some such shit. I have reached the end of keeping in touch with her now, because she is not there for me at all, when I have no-where to go, when I am ill. So that's it - the reality of having no mother sinks in.
Now my boyfriend is asking me to move out of where I've been staying with him - we aren't breaking up - but it was the thing in my life I was most happy about staying here and one of the times I have been most consistently happy (because of lsd helping and also weed and also being here). So back in with dad at age 40. I know I'm lucky to have somewhere to go. I have some money from divorce (yay mental illness ruining everything, taking away my home, my marriage, my future...but the marriage was also always difficult). I can't afford anywhere near where anyone I know is - so I could move miles away and start all over again - or don't know what to do. He has saved my life, definitely, not that I want it right now - so I am grateful to him, but this is such short notice to leave.
Then my work are bullying me, and I have to do hours of work if I want to a) prove them wrong and b) raise a grievance. It's been going on for weeks and I am tired. But F*CK them I am going to fight some more if I can.
All of this would be okay if it wasn't for mental illness. I just can't take much more and I don't see the point of putting in all this effort to feed myself and live - when I have had enough and I am not enjoying anything. I'd rather just die, then who cares what happens to any of it. It's just a waste of money to pay rent, get food etc - what is the point of any of it. I want out.
I'm sorry I don't communicate well on here - whenever I write on here, I feel like there are bricks in my head and I can't think straight again.
Thanks if you read it.
