jenny6391bubbles
a hikikomori waiting to catch the bus
- Mar 1, 2021
- 109
my mom, in spite of all the wrongs she has done to me, i still love her very much. i miss her. i wish she were here. her cancer became so aggressive that it would adapt to new treatments right away. i want to cry. i am crying. i am crying so much. there is not a coherent thought in my head.
sometimes, i just choose to go to sleep so i can have a chance of seeing her in my dreams. i've dreamt of her never getting cancer. i've dreamt of myself going back in time to tell her to have all of her reproductive system removed so she would never get cancer. i've dreamt of her beating the cancer. all i want to do is sleep so that i can see her. all i want to do is die so that i can see her.
recent disasters here have destroyed a couple of valuables that i own. it's expensive and i feel so guilty because my dad was never the breadwinner and now, he currently works multiple parttime jobs and we're gonna lose some of that money so i can get my things repaired. im so stupid. i should've been more watchful and vigilant. i just want to die. i just want to die. im so tired. im so mentally tired. i hate how life is so cruel, im so tired. i wish it were more acceptable to just give up.
watching my mom's last moments and last few months of living was so painful to me. she would cry and cry. she thought i would get into what's supposedly the best medical school in the country, but im sorry to my mom and dad. im too stupid for that school. my grades aren't high enough. i'm not confident enough in myself and i'm sure the interviewers could tell. i'm sorry i'm never enough.
i still love you, though. in another life, i will make it all up to you.
sometimes, i just choose to go to sleep so i can have a chance of seeing her in my dreams. i've dreamt of her never getting cancer. i've dreamt of myself going back in time to tell her to have all of her reproductive system removed so she would never get cancer. i've dreamt of her beating the cancer. all i want to do is sleep so that i can see her. all i want to do is die so that i can see her.
recent disasters here have destroyed a couple of valuables that i own. it's expensive and i feel so guilty because my dad was never the breadwinner and now, he currently works multiple parttime jobs and we're gonna lose some of that money so i can get my things repaired. im so stupid. i should've been more watchful and vigilant. i just want to die. i just want to die. im so tired. im so mentally tired. i hate how life is so cruel, im so tired. i wish it were more acceptable to just give up.
watching my mom's last moments and last few months of living was so painful to me. she would cry and cry. she thought i would get into what's supposedly the best medical school in the country, but im sorry to my mom and dad. im too stupid for that school. my grades aren't high enough. i'm not confident enough in myself and i'm sure the interviewers could tell. i'm sorry i'm never enough.
i still love you, though. in another life, i will make it all up to you.
