hooman57
kill me
- Aug 13, 2026
- 17
gradually over the span of of almost a year currently, ive disconnected from everything i once knew
my family, the people who induced my trauma and gave me the problems that still affected me to this day, causing the downfall of the thing i cherished most in life, love.
i cant stand the way they look at me too, it was necessary to fix some of my problems to tell them and get some help but i feel so shamed now, every new detail theyll notice and wonder if im harming myself again, or doing no good outside aith my friends at night
my friends, i cant even look at them, when i talk to them its like im talking to a different species, im a different person now i cant stand existing with them, its a cope to deal with the fact id have nothing else otherwise
i do too much drugs with them, i ruin my life being near them, sometimes i hang out with them just to see if i can overdose on the stuff they take with me, but it all just ends up with me hungover the next day
my city, disgusting, violent, horrible, las vegas, filled with souless husks slamming buttons over and over and over again to feel a rush of dopamine in earning something they didnt have to work as hard for. the people are sickening, the weather is horrible, its nothing like where i want to live. you cant walk anywhere, its not peaceful, its hell, las vegas is one of the most hellish places on earth
my house is not my home. i cant stand it, surrounded by constant overstimulating noise that just NEVER STOPS, if i become even a little bit stressed its amplified by thousands of times and it never stops because im nowhere i want to be. the people who live with me are like broken records, hell is loops, hell is cycles you cant break out of, life as a whole is a great example, and so is my home. my brain is never not hammered by the same bullshit they couldnt fathom not letting go. i live with uneducated unintelligent people who refuse to acknowledge their problems in a healthy manner, so its all projected onto me.
(in fact midway through typing this, i frantically ran into my room because i was being pushed to my breaking point)
the only place i feel comfortable in my house is my room, my backyard, and the bathroom. all nice and quiet places for the most part.
but even so the backyard is full of traumatic and sorrowful memories because its where i go to walk when im stressed, and its where i lost over 40lbs
i have nothing, i cannot go anywhere, nothings free, nowhere is comforting
i have never wanted to leave all of my belongings behind and move to a different country more in my life. i do not wanna look back, i dont care how hard i have to work for the life i want i will do it
the only place ive at home in, a real home, was my lover
but we separated for reasons i dont blame her for, and i understand everything i did wrong. i did everything accordingly so that i would NEVER repeat the same mistakes i made with her again.
we did end up reuniting, but things are never that easy. she had been going through an even worse hell than me when i came back to her, so that added on top of our already unfavorable departing earlier on, made it so things were so so so complicated, and so distant.
i do my best in every way to try and comfort her, do my best for her, at times she bleeds through and shows me how special i am to her, and how special we were. i show her so much love every chance i get, but she is simply incapable of it right now, she has no energy.
if things were to align in a better light, i would be able to be loved by her again, i would move in with her like we always dreamed of, get married like we used to talk about. explore, create, feel, just live.
id leave everything behind for her, id sacrifice it all, id work for her every day for the rest of my life, id carry all her burdens till they crushed me
this isnt fantasy anymore, were both adults
theres never anything wrong with living for love, or living for somebody to love
love is life, love is what we are, our souls.
without it we cant live properly
when you have someone you love like that, it becomes easy
sadly things are how they are in reality, and of course im on these forums, ive never wanted to die more in my entire life
i pray for the escape i need every single night, i havent skipped a day. i pray for my lover, and i pray for us too. i pray as selflessly as i can.
but im still stuck, theres nowhere for me to go unless a crack forms in the sky and grants me a miracle that who knows if i deserve.
its all just unfortunate, no better way to pit it
i want to go home
my family, the people who induced my trauma and gave me the problems that still affected me to this day, causing the downfall of the thing i cherished most in life, love.
i cant stand the way they look at me too, it was necessary to fix some of my problems to tell them and get some help but i feel so shamed now, every new detail theyll notice and wonder if im harming myself again, or doing no good outside aith my friends at night
my friends, i cant even look at them, when i talk to them its like im talking to a different species, im a different person now i cant stand existing with them, its a cope to deal with the fact id have nothing else otherwise
i do too much drugs with them, i ruin my life being near them, sometimes i hang out with them just to see if i can overdose on the stuff they take with me, but it all just ends up with me hungover the next day
my city, disgusting, violent, horrible, las vegas, filled with souless husks slamming buttons over and over and over again to feel a rush of dopamine in earning something they didnt have to work as hard for. the people are sickening, the weather is horrible, its nothing like where i want to live. you cant walk anywhere, its not peaceful, its hell, las vegas is one of the most hellish places on earth
my house is not my home. i cant stand it, surrounded by constant overstimulating noise that just NEVER STOPS, if i become even a little bit stressed its amplified by thousands of times and it never stops because im nowhere i want to be. the people who live with me are like broken records, hell is loops, hell is cycles you cant break out of, life as a whole is a great example, and so is my home. my brain is never not hammered by the same bullshit they couldnt fathom not letting go. i live with uneducated unintelligent people who refuse to acknowledge their problems in a healthy manner, so its all projected onto me.
(in fact midway through typing this, i frantically ran into my room because i was being pushed to my breaking point)
the only place i feel comfortable in my house is my room, my backyard, and the bathroom. all nice and quiet places for the most part.
but even so the backyard is full of traumatic and sorrowful memories because its where i go to walk when im stressed, and its where i lost over 40lbs
i have nothing, i cannot go anywhere, nothings free, nowhere is comforting
i have never wanted to leave all of my belongings behind and move to a different country more in my life. i do not wanna look back, i dont care how hard i have to work for the life i want i will do it
the only place ive at home in, a real home, was my lover
but we separated for reasons i dont blame her for, and i understand everything i did wrong. i did everything accordingly so that i would NEVER repeat the same mistakes i made with her again.
we did end up reuniting, but things are never that easy. she had been going through an even worse hell than me when i came back to her, so that added on top of our already unfavorable departing earlier on, made it so things were so so so complicated, and so distant.
i do my best in every way to try and comfort her, do my best for her, at times she bleeds through and shows me how special i am to her, and how special we were. i show her so much love every chance i get, but she is simply incapable of it right now, she has no energy.
if things were to align in a better light, i would be able to be loved by her again, i would move in with her like we always dreamed of, get married like we used to talk about. explore, create, feel, just live.
id leave everything behind for her, id sacrifice it all, id work for her every day for the rest of my life, id carry all her burdens till they crushed me
this isnt fantasy anymore, were both adults
theres never anything wrong with living for love, or living for somebody to love
love is life, love is what we are, our souls.
without it we cant live properly
when you have someone you love like that, it becomes easy
sadly things are how they are in reality, and of course im on these forums, ive never wanted to die more in my entire life
i pray for the escape i need every single night, i havent skipped a day. i pray for my lover, and i pray for us too. i pray as selflessly as i can.
but im still stuck, theres nowhere for me to go unless a crack forms in the sky and grants me a miracle that who knows if i deserve.
its all just unfortunate, no better way to pit it
i want to go home
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