Venting just venting, feeling kinda down

[pineapple-chicken]

I just wanted to write stuff down to make sense of it. Its gonna get long sorry I just want to talk to a void

This year, I was accepted in a pretty hard-to-get spot at one of the top universities in my country.

It felt amazing, I got in for architecture, which I don't care about but I thought I'd be able to do to make money.

There was so much prestige around my name now, I wasn't a loser or a queer, I was artistic and creative, and everyone's face always looked impressed when I told them what I was studying.
It was hell. The workload was insane, I was never sleeping and I felt crazy cause I was just making silly little drawings and buildings and I was losing my mind over them, only for my lecturers to rip them apart the second they laid eyes on them.

I had no money. I never really have, I can't get government funding for my education because of a complex situation I won't get into. But I couldn't afford the train to get to university most days. It was a two-hour trip with classes from 8 am -5 pm meaning to get there on time I had to wake up at at least 5:00 am to get ready. Every Day. Running on 3 hours of sleep at most.

My dad died during this, we never really had a relationship, he was homeless, and his brain was so scrambled from drugs I never had a real conversation with him. His ashes are still sitting in the car, I have no idea what to do with them. At least when I broke down crying in class they gave me an extension on my deadline.

The people were amazing, I think this is the first time I've had real friends, I never connected well in high school, but here I was surrounded by people who were brilliant and who liked me,and I liked them. I found groups that wanted me there. It felt euphoric, life looked great at a quick glance

Great degree, that's going to pay well, surrounded by people who care. But my money situation felt like tinnitus, it wouldn't stop buzzing in the back of my head. this disgusting droning pulling me out of situations. I actually hated some of the people around me, who had rich parents who owned cars and just got money for existing.

I wanted a job, that fit in with the hectic schedule of architecture. So I applied as a bartender at a local gay bar. there is only one qualification; be hot. they don't make cocktails there, they barely do more than shots, they just want people pretty to look at. I applied a couple of times but never heard back. got officially rejected. they're still posting "were hiring ads"

Sex. To me it's self-harm. I don't know why, maybe it's from being groomed online, maybe it's daddy issues, maybe I was born fucked up. But I've never done it for good reasons, I'm always sleeping with old men, and people I don't even like or find attractive. it's disgusting, I hate myself for it. I feel like a slut, not in an empowering way, in a way where I've let men use me over and over again. why? fuck if I know. I want to be held. I want to be wanted. I like that they look at me as desirable. I want to feel alive maybe, I want to prove to myself that I am sexy, that all my insecurities are just in my head aren't justified. like... LOOK, look at this man he is fucking you like a rabid animal you have to be attractive, why else would he want you so bad.

I've slept with half the VIPs and regulars at this gay bar, all old rich men with houses that I hated being inside of, they felt over indulgent. I hate that I gave myself to them. when I applied, I asked them to put in a good word for me, and they said they did and still I got rejected... This job was supposed to be my way out of everything. It would do so much for me. I wouldn't be struggling financially anymore. I would have proved to myself that the world thinks I'm pretty and I should stop listening to the things I say about myself.

but it didn't happen.

so I couldn't keep going.

I dropped out.

I no longer adorn myself with the beautiful title of architect, and it feels nice to sleep, and not worry about brick size or construction. but I feel like I've ruined my life.

my mom was supportive when I told her I didn't think I could handle architecture. now she's calling me a dropout and a whole bunch of other things, she's fighting with me all the time about everything. and keeps telling me to get a job as if I'm not trying.​

Our relationship used to be pretty solid, although she's short-tempered and bad at communicating, it used to be us against the world. a single mom and her baby boy who she would do anything for. My mom has been through a lot, and as a human, I respect her for all she's done. but as her son. I feel like we are venomous towards each other. Nothing is ever said with kindness anymore, and that's my fault too.

She is also in a bad space, she doesn't have a job, she doesn't have any friends, or any love interests, she just has a vile ex-boyfriend, and whenever they're in the same room they scream at each other, he gives her money sometimes though so she keeps him around.

My grandmother paid for a lot of my university stuff when my mom couldn't, she said when my great-gran died, she left some money for me for university. So she bought me some stationery and a new laptop with that money. Yesterday at midnight my mom stormed down the passage, quite literally out of nowhere and told me I have to pay her back because apparently went into debt for that. I love my gran, and I'm livid that she lied to me, that she hurt her finances for me, I understand she did it for love but the whole situation just feels sick right now... I've been really depressed lately.

But I have a dream, but it feels so stupid to say, I want to do drag. I want to make my own wig, and my own dress, and perform for a bar, I've cried every time I've seen a queen perform. I'm desperate to make it work, it makes me so happy, which is really sad. I mean... drag? That's such a letdown, what are you thinking, in this political climate? With real-life competition who has a lot more time, money, and talent than me. it feels hopeless. But it makes me happy, it really does, so I'm going to give it a try, I'm sewing some dresses right now, I'm trying to dance in my heels to songs I think are powerful. ( I suck I won't lie lmao but at least I can death drop)

Anyways I feel really shitty, about my whole life, but I don't think it's time. I think I have a life, and it sounds like it's not going to be easy, but there's this little kid in me, and he always loved performing, and he's got the biggest stars in his eyes. I want to promise that little boy that I will try, I will be on a stage, I will get applause, and I will be adored. its kind of all-or-nothing at this point, so future me,

Good luck, you've got this <3

 

[dinosavr]

I really really hope you get what you deserve.. Life hasn't been treating you right and it's time for the karma to come back.
I wish you all the best!!

 

[Crinia99]

Have you thought about doing interior design or something like that? Your achitecture skills could come in handy but it might allow you to be more creative while being less demanding and allow you some time to still enjoy exploring drag.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

That's a lot of things happening in a short period of time, I'm so sorry things didn't work out on the architecture course. I wish you good luck for doing drag but at the same time I'm concerned if that desire for drag is not coming from the same place that sex with strangers was coming from. It seems like another way to be adored, wanted, desired. I imagine much better than sex with strangers, but still a bandaid on a problem rather than a fix for the problem, if that makes sense?

Not saying you shouldn't pursue it, just may be worth considering other ways to fix the underlying problem while also putting your efforts into drag if drag is something that gives you joy.

Something to think about maybe. You sound like a very creative individual, you don't need that problem hindering your life, you deserve better, and if you can do drag without having that underlying problem affecting you, I think you'd do much so better.

 

[pineapple-chicken]

Have you thought about doing interior design or something like that? Your achitecture skills could come in handy but it might allow you to be more creative while being less demanding and allow you some time to still enjoy exploring drag.

I've applied for graphic design at a different university cause the one I'm at doesn't offer it, but I don't know how id pay for it, and idk if they'll accept me. fingers crossed though.

Also I'll only be able to start next year so I need to find some way to entertain myself till Feb next year regardless of what happens

Something to think about maybe. You sound like a very creative individual, you don't need that problem hindering your life, you deserve better, and if you can do drag without having that underlying problem affecting you, I think you'd do much so better.

I've never thought about it like that, I have no idea how to go about changing my self-image though, and I can't afford a professional therapist right now.

I think drag is kind of the opposite though tbh. Thats not me on that stage, no one can judge me, they're judging 4cm of foundation and eyeshadow I've schlacked on my face, they not judging my body, its courses and adding and two stockings filled with birdseed with hot glue nipples. I can change and currate this person that i present to the world. Its a huge confidence boost, kinda like the anonymity you get from being faceless online

I'll try being conscious of any insecuirities I might be projecting tho.

 

[Crinia99]

To be honest, I find you story sad but also very touching and moving. I understand the financial limitations and also the dysfunctional family dynamics that you carry around. To be driving around with your dead fathers ashes not knowing what to do with them, while he was not a father to you but a drunk, touches my emotions and imagination. I'm sorry he could not be a father to you, but it shows you are not an angry bitter person but have a deep heart despite your troubles. I also understand your desire to express your creativity and individuality which no doubt you feel has been lost through the limitations that have been placed on you, but yes be aware as others have mentioned that your not simply being driven to seek validation. I'm a complete stranger but can tell you have alot going for you, its not easy especially when life is so tought, but to give yourself the love and credit and the respect for yourself that you deserve, I think is crucial no matter what avenue you decide to take.