inability to feel happy

[Kokonoe]

it feels completely impossible for me to feel happy and it causes me so much distress. i can have all the good things happen to me, all the things i want, so many reasons to be happy, but i never quite feel it. instead it just makes me more sad than i already was. it's so confusing and upsetting.

this happens constantly but i'm stuck thinking about it right now because it just happened again. my oldest sister stopped by for a little bit, i love her a lot and she's very important to me. i haven't seen her in a while, i rarely see her or talk to her at all anymore really, so it's like a rare treat to get any time with her, something to be excited about. but i couldn't feel excited at all. instead i felt some level of dread or anxiety. when i let her in she was visibly off put and concerned, she said i "seemed very subdued", which i didn't really understand.
she gave me my shot, and then we sat down to talk for a little bit, but i was really awkward about it because i'm so used to her never having time for me that i was expecting her to leave pretty much immediately. it should've been a nice thing that she was going to stay and talk for a little bit.
she even held me for a while, pet me and played with my hair, let me talk about how i've been doing and tell her what i've been up to. i got to have a nice talk with her. and while being held by her it was the first time i got to feel myself relax at all this week. i got to make more plans with her to see her again next week, which should be really nice. and then after a while of all that she left. i should be happy. i got to be held, and shown little bits of affection, and got to have a nice talk, and make more plans i can look forward to, and finally relax a little bit. i even *almost* felt myself be happy. i didn't feel like i was happy, but like i should be right now.
but instead, all of this just made me more sad. i was already so miserable, but it made me feel way worse than before. i feel like i would've been less sad if i didn't see her today. and it always feels like that. i don't understand why the things that are supposed to make me happy make me so incredibly sad instead. i don't know why my sister makes me feel so sad every single time i see her or talk to her. and now that she left again i'm just sitting, stuck in my sadness.

tl;dr: the things that i feel are supposed to make me happy instead make me really sad, and even temporary happiness feels completely unattainable to me, and it makes me feel distressed and hopeless.

 

[sometimelater]

what do you honestly think would make you content enough with life to not consider suicide anymore? whats the criteria, what would it take. i've read a lot of your posts & replies on the forum just lurking around the "Similar threads" thing in my depressive episodes. i'm yet to gather that from you though, it seems completely perilous. is it?

 

[Kokonoe]

what do you honestly think would make you content enough with life to not consider suicide anymore? whats the criteria, what would it take. i've read a lot of your posts & replies on the forum just lurking around the "Similar threads" thing in my depressive episodes. i'm yet to gather that from you though, it seems completely perilous. is it?

i genuinely don't know, that's a hard question to answer. every time i've got something in my life that i thought would be the thing that makes me want to live, it ended up not being enough. i feel constantly plagued by a feeling of everything "not being enough".
for most of my life all i wanted was to move out of the home i grew up. it felt completely unattainable, and i felt like i was destined to die there, like i could never escape.
and then one day i realized i got out. i've been living alone away from that place for half a year now. and something i wanted so badly i thought i could never have it didn't end up changing anything. i'm still miserable. i'm just not having my trauma triggered 24/7 anymore, which is good i guess. but it's not enough.
i thought companionship would be enough to make life worth living. i've never had it for nearly all of my life, i've never known what it's like. i still wouldn't say i have it, but i feel like i have some sort of understanding of it now. i have a friend who has similar issues to me, and really she's my only real friend, and we spend most of our time together and do most things together. it helps both of us, which is nice. but i am still sad, i am still empty, i still want to die. now being around her is my base line, and i struggle function on my own again. it's not really a good thing at all. companionship didn't make me happy or change anything at all.
i have no clue what else i could even want. i want to be loved, i want to think that would make it better, but deep down i already know it wouldn't change anything.
i want purpose, i want something to do, i want to get out of the house and be around other people and have community and not be isolated. and then i get out, engage in the spaces around me with other people, and i still feel nothing. i can't go back to most communities i used to be in because both communities i used to be a part of have people that abused me in them, and i don't want to be around those people. i've started going to a different fgc local scene and i just can't really care for it. it's somewhat nice to get to play my favorite games and have reason to practice again, it's filled my time and distracted me a little. but i don't particularly like any of the people i'm around. it feels like a temporary nice thing to do that i'll get bored of fast.
i'm trying to start art classes soon, and i imagine it will go the same. feels like something i want to do and i should be excited for, but i'll end up not enjoying it or feeling empty.

after all that rambling i think i processed my thoughts enough to give better criteria, though.
1. independence/autonomy. i want to not be dependent on other people for anything, i want to have my own place to live and my own things.
2. companionship. i hate being alone, i want someone to come home to and share the small moments of life with. i don't want to go to bed alone every night.
3. purpose. i want something to do with myself, something that doesn't feel like just killing time, something that opens up more avenues for all sorts of things in my life. i want structure around it, to not feel like i have no idea what to do with myself all the time.
4. i want community. i want a place i feel like i belong, i don't want to feel isolated and alone, i want people i can be around and feel seen by and feel like a part of something.
5. less problems with my health or similar things. i have a lot of chronic issues that i feel like if i can't solve, it would be impossible to keep living. most of them feel out of my control.

and i think the real issue is all of these things are unattainable to me. i will never have the things i need as like, base line requirements for me to even potentially want to live. and even then, i know i could have all these things and it will still feel like it's not enough. no matter what i do, it's always never enough. i feel cursed.

 

[sometimelater]

after all that rambling i think i processed my thoughts enough to give better criteria, though.
1. independence/autonomy. i want to not be dependent on other people for anything, i want to have my own place to live and my own things.
2. companionship. i hate being alone, i want someone to come home to and share the small moments of life with. i don't want to go to bed alone every night.
3. purpose. i want something to do with myself, something that doesn't feel like just killing time, something that opens up more avenues for all sorts of things in my life. i want structure around it, to not feel like i have no idea what to do with myself all the time.
4. i want community. i want a place i feel like i belong, i don't want to feel isolated and alone, i want people i can be around and feel seen by and feel like a part of something.
5. less problems with my health or similar things. i have a lot of chronic issues that i feel like if i can't solve, it would be impossible to keep living. most of them feel out of my control.

and i think the real issue is all of these things are unattainable to me. i will never have the things i need as like, base line requirements for me to even potentially want to live. and even then, i know i could have all these things and it will still feel like it's not enough. no matter what i do, it's always never enough. i feel cursed.

so you moved out from the house you grew up in. i thought that would mean independence, but i suppose the situation is different? the rut of being stuck in a home you wanted to move past ages ago perpetually is practically designed to mentally destroy you - i see the effect often here of people feeling like not just themselves are cursed but the very room they live in, or the house. i feel that way strongly, i hate my room just as much as i hate myself/my life. does this not apply to you currently if you moved out?

as for the other criteria im not trying to play therapist or say some stupid cliche like "job/college" especially since you seem to already be involved with classes and other circles but get no satisfaction out of it. but most of the things you listed would technically be confronted best in a workplace or in college classes where you're working with other people, have a purpose, have a goal, and all of that is enforced in a structure you can learn as you go along day by day without too much pressure.

the health problems fucking suck i hope you can overcome them, and i get if you wont share the specifics on that. from what you're saying it doesnt sound completely perilous at least and i hope you catch a good streak, seriously.

 

[Kokonoe]

so you moved out from the house you grew up in. i thought that would mean independence, but i suppose the situation is different? the rut of being stuck in a home you wanted to move past ages ago perpetually is practically designed to mentally destroy you - i see the effect often here of people feeling like not just themselves are cursed but the very room they live in, or the house. i feel that way strongly, i hate my room just as much as i hate myself/my life. does this not apply to you currently if you moved out?

as for the other criteria im not trying to play therapist or say some stupid cliche like "job/college" especially since you seem to already be involved with classes and other circles but get no satisfaction out of it. but most of the things you listed would technically be confronted best in a workplace or in college classes where you're working with other people, have a purpose, have a goal, and all of that is enforced in a structure you can learn as you go along day by day without too much pressure.

the health problems fucking suck i hope you can overcome them, and i get if you wont share the specifics on that. from what you're saying it doesnt sound completely perilous at least and i hope you catch a good streak, seriously.

it doesn't mean independence because i'm still dependent on my parents. i only got to move out because my family wanted a house in the city just so they didn't have to make a 2 round trip whenever they had to go into the city. if not for that, i never would've been able to move out. my dad owns the house, not me, and he makes sure to remind me of it often. i don't have much control over anything here and it still leads to me feeling frustrated and trapped like i did at the home i grew up in. just less constant ptsd triggers now that i live alone (mostly, my family will still show up and spend nights here sometimes, my older sister is usually here every weekend for example...)
i could be forced back to move into my old home again at any moment and there wouldn't be anything i could do, my dad has even threatened me with that before. there's also constant surveillance, my dad has cameras at the door and in the garages so i literally can't leave home without my family knowing, and even if i don't leave they'll know that too and i've even gotten harassed for that. it's miserable.

as for the other stuff being solved by job/college, that is unfortunately the issue. that is everyone else's solution, but it doesn't apply to me because i'm disabled and unable to work. i can't handle it, i've tried despite everything. and i was forced to drop out of college when i first went years ago because my dad decided to stop financially supporting me, and if he wasn't doing that i couldn't afford college or anything anyways. taking one class these days even feels really intimidating to me to be honest, i'm worried about it.

and that also ties back into not really having any independence or autonomy. i only have as much as my family is willing to provide me, i don't have any form of income or my own money, i can't drive so i don't have much freedom in where i can go, and i do unfortunately need to ask others for help pretty frequently, i have a lot of things i struggle with. like i can't do my own shots, i have to ask my oldest sister to do them for me every week, which creates a lot of reliance on her that i really don't like, bc as much as i care about her she has also been abusive to me over the years and i really don't like her having that control over me, where if i'm not on her good side i don't get my basic healthcare needs met (and the rest of my family doesn't feel comfortable helping with my shots so it has to be her).

 

[lilb0wpeep]

I understand this feeling, the inability to feel happiness. For me when I should feel happy instead I feel a discontent, fear, a shallow emptiness, or sadness. I've started avoiding or rather running away from small acts other people do that would result in this feeling. For me it's like my brain knows I should be happy and is about the switch the flip to do so but is instead overwhelmed by the 'bad' emotions or it gets lost and I'm left with this empty feeling. But not empty as in numb can't feel anything but as in physically and emotionally something is missing, it's been ripped out and I can feel the space that's left.

 

[meowpuppy]

so real girl.. also suffering from disability, though of the mental kind, and i'm also unable to work, need more autonomy, can't feel happy, also trans, also a dog.. we're very similar in all these things. i don't think it's great for you to just decide whether or not you should or shouldn't be happy. people are happy because we are, not because we're expected to be. your sister seems so nice, good for you..

i don't have a physical disability yet but i'm very very quickly approaching one..