it will end soon, so why am i still upset

[nails]

if things go right on tuesday, i will be able to take an enormous step forward in my plan to ctb. even if it doesn't go right, it won't prevent from being able to ctb, it will just prolong my life a tiny bit longer.
i still don't necessarily want to die. i really want to live a happy or content life with friends and stuff. obviously, i'm very sad about how things are ending. i am sad that i am dying alone and leaving behind nothing except a bunch of pathetic attempts at finding joy or companionship. it keeps making me sad. not like i'm getting an obituary, but it kinda makes me laugh when i realize how empty it would be if i were to receive one. genuinely no accomplishments or anyone who cares. my most memorable moments are extremely depressing (suicide attempts). the only people who would be bothered to say something about my death (my family) don't even like me that much. i want to be mourned or something, but that will never happen. family and friends who lose contact with me don't even mourn that lost connection. everyone i have ever gotten close with just leaves and ends up better off with more/better friends. i posted a thread about it, but i honestly think most of the people ive known just want me dead or would at least prefer it. i'm like a fucking virus wasting air and resources and energy. im genuinely doing the world favor by putting an end to this. one less person who provides nothing but problems.

that's not even what i wanted to talk about i just went on a bad tangent.
anwyay i'm tired of being sad about the same shit. i expected to feel shitty about the things i just yapped about, but it's not even that. i'm tired of mournign old friendships that i clearly got too attached in. im tired of feeling sad over otber things that didn't work out in my life. i'm tired of feeling sad about my stupid job that i hate. idk why i still feel so awful about everything. it will be over soon, why should i care? that reminder occasionally brings me comfort, but not often. will i really only feel better about this stupid shit when i am dead? that's dumb. i will feel awful and alone in my last days and moments. ive been seeing a lot of posts of people saying that they feel happier and calm because they will ctb soon. i envy them so much.

i don't know if anythjng will help, but any advice is appreciated. i just want a single moment of joy or peace and its driving me crazy that i can't even seem to have that before dying.

 

[Serena 2026]

if things go right on tuesday, i will be able to take an enormous step forward in my plan to ctb. even if it doesn't go right, it won't prevent from being able to ctb, it will just prolong my life a tiny bit longer.
i still don't necessarily want to die. i really want to live a happy or content life with friends and stuff. obviously, i'm very sad about how things are ending. i am sad that i am dying alone and leaving behind nothing except a bunch of pathetic attempts at finding joy or companionship. it keeps making me sad. not like i'm getting an obituary, but it kinda makes me laugh when i realize how empty it would be if i were to receive one. genuinely no accomplishments or anyone who cares. my most memorable moments are extremely depressing (suicide attempts). the only people who would be bothered to say something about my death (my family) don't even like me that much. i want to be mourned or something, but that will never happen. family and friends who lose contact with me don't even mourn that lost connection. everyone i have ever gotten close with just leaves and ends up better off with more/better friends. i posted a thread about it, but i honestly think most of the people ive known just want me dead or would at least prefer it. i'm like a fucking virus wasting air and resources and energy. im genuinely doing the world favor by putting an end to this. one less person who provides nothing but problems.

that's not even what i wanted to talk about i just went on a bad tangent.
anwyay i'm tired of being sad about the same shit. i expected to feel shitty about the things i just yapped about, but it's not even that. i'm tired of mournign old friendships that i clearly got too attached in. im tired of feeling sad over otber things that didn't work out in my life. i'm tired of feeling sad about my stupid job that i hate. idk why i still feel so awful about everything. it will be over soon, why should i care? that reminder occasionally brings me comfort, but not often. will i really only feel better about this stupid shit when i am dead? that's dumb. i will feel awful and alone in my last days and moments. ive been seeing a lot of posts of people saying that they feel happier and calm because they will ctb soon. i envy them so much.

i don't know if anythjng will help, but any advice is appreciated. i just want a single moment of joy or peace and its driving me crazy that i can't even seem to have that before dying.

I know how you feel, and I am so sorry... your story is similar to mine and to those of so many others here. I think the approach of the CTB causes insecurity and fear in all of us; we don't know what it will be like—whether we will depart in peace or feel pain. Anyway, you aren't alone here... try to calm down, and if you aren't sure about the departure, wait a little longer. The important thing is to be certain of what you want... be at peace!!

 

[nails]

I know how you feel, and I am so sorry... your story is similar to mine and to those of so many others here. I think the approach of the CTB causes insecurity and fear in all of us; we don't know what it will be like—whether we will depart in peace or feel pain. Anyway, you aren't alone here... try to calm down, and if you aren't sure about the departure, wait a little longer. The important thing is to be certain of what you want... be at peace!!

i don't feel anxious or unsure about ctb. i am sad about it, i dont want to do it, but i need to and i've accepted that. i am sad about issues unrelated to the act of ctb and that's what's upsetting me. it's so frustrating and i just wish i could feel something other than complete misery before i die. thank you for the response, i hope you find peace as well.