Venting I am incompatible with this world

[Spite]

I'm autistic. I see and experience the world differently than many people do.

It seems like no matter what I do, no matter what I achieve or where I'm at, I am just... perpetually discontent with life. Eternally unhappy. I recently got a new job and I was able to escape from my previous job, where I have spent the last three years working in a hostile environment where I am extremely tense and stressed for most of the day every day because I am forced to put up with terrible co-workers. This new place I just started working at so far has been a lot better for me, the people there are actually nice to me and try to make me feel included. Naturally this should make me feel better and should lift my overall mood... but truthfully, it doesn't...

I just... I don't know what's wrong with me. I hardly relate to anyone. I don't really feel any true connection with any other human being. and it's absolutely devastating to say that as someone who is married. There is something about me that is fundamentally broken. I also don't really want to do anything that most people consider 'normal' things that are just a part of life - I don't want to go to work. I don't want to study. I don't want to live in a house. I don't want to drive a car. I don't want to go shopping and buy things. I don't want to go out anywhere. I hardly want to speak to or associate with anyone - lately I've found that most of the time I don't want to speak to anyone and I want as little interaction with other human beings as possible (I'm aware that by creating this thread I'm sort of doing the opposite of that).

I have the worst social anxiety. It's debilitating. Trying to force myself to look at people in the eyes is like trying to force two of the same magnets together. I never speak to anyone because I constantly worry that I'm going to make a fool of myself or slip up and say something stupid. Socialising is torture and I can't do it.

I also hate how "different" I am seemingly compared to practically everyone around me. I see it everywhere. Both IRL and online. I don't even really know how to explain it there's just always this feeling that something is 'off' with me. I'm always a Black Sheep in any conceivable social setting/dynamic. I observe other people and how they are able to socialise so effortlessly and seeing that destroys me. Even online like I'll be in a Discord server and I practically never say anything ever because I have no idea how to even begin to communicate with these people, but I'll see the way they conduct themselves and they all seem so... 'chill', and 'normal', and I can just tell they don't really have any problems at all with getting through life, making friends, and enjoying themselves, whereas I do have all these problems and I'm just trapped in a pit of despair and hopelessness all the time.

You could argue I've "accomplished a lot", like getting my driver's license, holding down a full-time job, moving out of my mum's house and living independently, and living a married life with my wife... but deep down, I'm still miserable. I sound extremely pretentious and ungrateful and terrible saying this and that makes me feel even worse about myself like I really should just die. I don't like this reality. I just don't. I hate being autistic. I hate having to wake up every day, I wish I could just sleep forever. I just see life as a self-replicating curse where I have to put up with endless bullshit and problems and ups-and-downs, and this all seems worse when I feel like my existence is an anomaly, like I'm a glitch in the system, like I was never supposed to be here. Everything feels so weird and alien to me. Why is it so difficult for me to just enjoy things? To just be happy? It's like I am literally incapable of feeling long-term happiness and contentment with life. A million dollars could fall out of the sky and land right in my lap and I guarantee you I would still be miserable and feel like a weird alien who just doesn't get this world. I seriously don't even know what I would do with the 1 million dollars - I don't really desire anything. I don't care about having nice clothes or buying the latest awesome car or having the best phone or best shoes or wanting to travel the world and treat myself to things. I just don't. That desire is almost non-existent in me.

I don't even know exactly what I'm looking to get out of writing all this and posting it as a thread. I don't expect any answers to my problems, there's no magic solution to this (asides from maybe literally killing myself). I feel sad and pathetic writing this so I don't even know why I'm posting this but I'm doing it anyway. I guess I just wonder if others can relate?

 

[Charly]

I relate deeply. I'm also autistic with a boyfriend. He's basically the only person i talk to, often about bleak topics, because any other social relationship has become terrifying to me. I'm also a neet because having a job, with my multiple dysfunctionalities, terrifies me as well. I deeply want to relate to others and i just cannot. Have no depth or topics of conversation, i struggle to understand the plot of a conversation or follow anecdotes or similars. I shouldn't be cognitive impaired and this is frustrating because cognitive impairment is what i seem to live everyday, and being a "glitch in the world", a flaw in the system, is the exact way i see myself as well. In all my past relationships / friendships the other person did the talking 80 or 90% of the times and i was on the receiving end listening. But living like this is really a "self-replicating" curse as you put it, day after day.

Anyways, im so sorry that life has brought you here. I hug you and i really do wish you the best. We are in a similar boat, and you'll find many kind-hearted souls here.

 

[Mistergeburt]

I'm not autistic (I believe), although some psychologists said otherwise, but I can still somehow relate. I also have social anxiety, but it has gotten a little better, but it's still really hard. Feeling different and out of place is very relatable for me personally. I think you're descibing anhedonia when you say that you can't feel happy with anything. And personally I think it's not you who's wrong. There are too many different factors that each make your life miserable. And fixing one of them won't make your life a whole lot better, that's why it feels impossible to fix your life I think. Are you in therapy? I think, therapy could really help if you have the right therapist (who preferably has experience with autistic people). But I also know that it's hard.

Either way I hope you'll get better and I wish you nothing but the best.

 

[retstardeda$$hole]

I just... I don't know what's wrong with me. I hardly relate to anyone. I don't really feel any true connection with any other human being. and it's absolutely devastating to say that as someone who is married. There is something about me that is fundamentally broken. I also don't really want to do anything that most people consider 'normal' things that are just a part of life - I don't want to go to work. I don't want to study. I don't want to live in a house. I don't want to drive a car. I don't want to go shopping and buy things. I don't want to go out anywhere. I hardly want to speak to or associate with anyone - lately I've found that most of the time I don't want to speak to anyone and I want as little interaction with other human beings as possible (I'm aware that by creating this thread I'm sort of doing the opposite of that).

Real. I don't if I can live with ADHD and autism for the rest of my life. i haven't been diagnosed with either but I am 100% sure I at least have ADHD. The thiught of living like this for the rest of my life is exhausting.