ramielle
for me it's always like this
- Jul 20, 2026
- 4
this is my first post on here. i typically don't post on forums because my social anxiety is too bad. but i suppose that this one makes me comfortable enough because i'm aware that i'm not going to be discouraged.
i don't think i've had a traumatic childhood, or anything that could really justify everything that i feel. autism, sure, but autism doesn't make you want to die, does it ? i hate hearing that my pain is still valid, because it doesn't feel like it. everyday is the same and there is absolutely no point in living, what's the reward ? what do i get for enduring this ? some might say that the joy of getting better is the reward, but what if it never comes ? because i know it won't. had i been traumatized in any way, therapy could heal me, or at least help me manage it a little bit. but since nothing happened, what is there to fix.
strangely, i was more reckless when i was 12. sitting on my windowsill on the second floor, not scared of what was at the bottom. meanwhile now i shake when i grab a knife, even if my intent to sh isn't suicidal. i'm too afraid of veins anyways.
i'm trying to find methods, that i can do financially speaking. can't buy a rope because i don't even have 30 dollars to go at the local store (and that's all they sell), i live with my parents, don't have a credit card.. this is mostly just me ranting. i'll find a method that fits me myself. i'd rather have that last little bit of control over my life.
i've just kicked my only friend out of my life, and i hope that means i'm ready, because i'm not already crawling back to her. i just wish my mother was out of the picture, because funnily enough i get along very well with her and i love her dearly. if i could take her with me forever i would, i'd die my head against her chest like a kid again. my father would cry, and would probably attempt himself, but i couldn't care less. i love him too, he hasn't done anything bad, but i do not care about his tears, and i do not want him to pity me or something if i fail.
writing this makes me feel like such a horrible person, but it also convinces me more that ctb is the way.
i've been prescribed medication (paroxetine = antidepressants and prazepam = anxiolytics). from what i've read they can't really be lethal unless taken in a huge dose, and my body is stupid so it will probably throw them back out once it realizes what i'm trying to do. and i don't drink either, same thing, my body would just force me to puke.
thank you for reading me if you did. i apologize for the maybe strange grammar, english isn't my first language.
i don't think i've had a traumatic childhood, or anything that could really justify everything that i feel. autism, sure, but autism doesn't make you want to die, does it ? i hate hearing that my pain is still valid, because it doesn't feel like it. everyday is the same and there is absolutely no point in living, what's the reward ? what do i get for enduring this ? some might say that the joy of getting better is the reward, but what if it never comes ? because i know it won't. had i been traumatized in any way, therapy could heal me, or at least help me manage it a little bit. but since nothing happened, what is there to fix.
strangely, i was more reckless when i was 12. sitting on my windowsill on the second floor, not scared of what was at the bottom. meanwhile now i shake when i grab a knife, even if my intent to sh isn't suicidal. i'm too afraid of veins anyways.
i'm trying to find methods, that i can do financially speaking. can't buy a rope because i don't even have 30 dollars to go at the local store (and that's all they sell), i live with my parents, don't have a credit card.. this is mostly just me ranting. i'll find a method that fits me myself. i'd rather have that last little bit of control over my life.
i've just kicked my only friend out of my life, and i hope that means i'm ready, because i'm not already crawling back to her. i just wish my mother was out of the picture, because funnily enough i get along very well with her and i love her dearly. if i could take her with me forever i would, i'd die my head against her chest like a kid again. my father would cry, and would probably attempt himself, but i couldn't care less. i love him too, he hasn't done anything bad, but i do not care about his tears, and i do not want him to pity me or something if i fail.
writing this makes me feel like such a horrible person, but it also convinces me more that ctb is the way.
i've been prescribed medication (paroxetine = antidepressants and prazepam = anxiolytics). from what i've read they can't really be lethal unless taken in a huge dose, and my body is stupid so it will probably throw them back out once it realizes what i'm trying to do. and i don't drink either, same thing, my body would just force me to puke.
thank you for reading me if you did. i apologize for the maybe strange grammar, english isn't my first language.
