Venting Is Kindness is a Weakness

[Nightingowl]

Is kindness a weakness in the world we live in? I try to be kind and generous to everyone I meet, even to those who are downright rude, but most of the time it ends in them taking advantage of me before ghosting me. Recently, I had a friend who I was nothing but nice to but after an argument (mostly they just didn't agree with what I said) and all they could do is spam me with insults, and when I finally ask them to stop and to apologise they take it as a personal attack. They even promised that they'd tell me if they ever wanted to leave but only a few days later did they block me out of nowhere. I've talked to the few close friends I have and they all agree that I always seem to find the absolutely worst people to talk to but maybe I just attract them. To be honest it's made me feel hopeless to the point where I want to stop trying to connect with people. It's all too hard. I also have autism which I always make it very clear to them so I've considered that I might be saying something that is socially unacceptable but no one seems to tell me that even if I ask them if what I said was okay. I want to make friends because I enjoy talking to people even if I have some difficulty at times but it doesn't feel worth it anymore. Even some of my close friends have distanced themselves a bit because of how mentally unstable I can be which I don't blame them for. It's why I don't really tell anyone my problems anymore because I don't want to be a burden. A lot of the time I want to disappear and have everyone forget about me but the idea of CTB scares me. Is it really better off having no one in your life so people can stop taking advantage of you?

 

[Macedonian1987]

Yes, kindness is a weakness in today's world. A world that is much harsher than it once was when i was a kid (30 years ago)

 

[MaeW]

Yes, sadly, it is

 

[sadbh—itstimetogo🤎]

It's not a weakness, sometimes it's hard to be nice, but it's better for you long term.

Being a doormat is not the same as being kind, but it's definitely a weakness. Boundaries and assertiveness are important, but so is being kind.

 

[Set Real Goul]

No, kindness is not weakness, but it isn't strength by itself either. It needs to be shown in the right place and to the right people. No one has enough kindness to be kind to everyone - especially to rude people.

I had a friend who I was nothing but nice to but after an argument (mostly they just didn't agree with what I said) and all they could do is spam me with insults, and when I finally ask them to stop and to apologise they take it as a personal attack.

I also have autism which I always make it very clear to them so I've considered that I might be saying something that is socially unacceptable but no one seems to tell me that even if I ask them if what I said was okay.

Since you have autism (I don't know how severe it is - my second cousin has autism too), I'm not sure what topics you usually talk about with people. But if you often discuss politics, religion, or issues related to men and women (those endless gender wars), those subjects can easily lead to endless unnecessary and pointless conflicts even for neurotypical people - let alone for someone in your situation.

I want to make friends because I enjoy talking to people even if I have some difficulty at times

Is it really better off having no one in your life so people can stop taking advantage of you?

I don't think that's a good path, because it won't really lead anywhere. you still need social interaction with other people. if you isolate yourself now, you'll probably end up feeling a very strong need for human connection later.
I had somewhat similar problems when I was a teenager, except that I was too clingy with people who simply weren't interested in me.
maybe you could try meeting people in different places instead?
and what do you mean by "people taking advantage of you"? In what way does that happen?

 

[Nightingowl]

No, kindness is not weakness, but it isn't strength by itself either. It needs to be shown in the right place and to the right people. No one has enough kindness to be kind to everyone - especially to rude people.




Since you have autism (I don't know how severe it is - my second cousin has autism too), I'm not sure what topics you usually talk about with people. But if you often discuss politics, religion, or issues related to men and women (those endless gender wars), those subjects can easily lead to endless unnecessary and pointless conflicts even for neurotypical people - let alone for someone in your situation.



I don't think that's a good path, because it won't really lead anywhere. you still need social interaction with other people. if you isolate yourself now, you'll probably end up feeling a very strong need for human connection later.
I had somewhat similar problems when I was a teenager, except that I was too clingy with people who simply weren't interested in me.
maybe you could try meeting people in different places instead?
and what do you mean by "people taking advantage of you"? In what way does that happen?

I hate the level system but I was classified as moderate support needs. I am prone to struggling socially but we didn't have an argument pertaining to heavy topics like that. The thing that pissed them off were disagreements about a video game which I did occasionally have confusion but I admitted I was wrong and apologised to them. They saw that as me dismissing them even though I admitted to being wrong.

It's just difficult when it's a reoccurring issue because as sadbh—itstimetogo🤎 mentioned, I do tend to be a doormat due to childhood trauma. The times I've been taken advantage of include like, being used for sex, people off loading all their trauma/venting to me then when I put up boundaries and say I can't deal with it they block me, and there have been times where people have gotten close to me, told me about their financial difficulties so I help out then they leave soon after without any words.

Like I fully admit that I can be frustrating at times because some things confuse me but I make it very clear that I have these difficulties and always give them the opportunity to set up boundaries but they always just leave, either wordlessly or calling me all sorts of names before blocking.

 

[lpdsvm]

Unfortunately it is if in that location everyone abuses it.
I feel like it makes people too distant and cold and gov can use it for its benefit (taxes, wars, misery etc)

 

[sadbh—itstimetogo🤎]

People who leave because you can't give them exactly what they want are just trash taking itself out. Try not to worry about that. Good people will stay because they like you, not because you help them.

 

[Set Real Goul]

The thing that pissed them off were disagreements about a video game which I did occasionally have confusion but I admitted I was wrong and apologised to them. They saw that as me dismissing them even though I admitted to being wrong.

Well, if someone wants to end a friendship over video games, then to hell with them.

and there have been times where people have gotten close to me, told me about their financial difficulties so I help out then they leave soon after without any words.

Well, as a rule of thumb: never lend people money. Or only lend an amount you're completely prepared to lose forever.
I only lend money to one friend I've known since school. With some people, the only way to get your money back is to practically the only way to get your money back from some people is to hound them - and my friend is one of those people. He only pays me back because he considers me part of his closest circle.

he times I've been taken advantage of include like, being used for sex, people off loading all their trauma/venting to me then when I put up boundaries and say

That's terrible that happened to you.

I agree with Sadbh: to hell with people like that. You deserve people who like you for who you are.
I'll probably stop here because my advice is starting to sound pretty generic.

But I do have one question.
Did those people have anything in common? For example, were they the ones taking most of the initiative in the relationship?

 

[Nightingowl]

Well, if someone wants to end a friendship over video games, then to hell with them.

Well, as a rule of thumb: never lend people money. Or only lend an amount you're completely prepared to lose forever.
I only lend money to one friend I've known since school. With some people, the only way to get your money back is to practically the only way to get your money back from some people is to hound them - and my friend is one of those people. He only pays me back because he considers me part of his closest circle.


That's terrible that happened to you.

I agree with Sadbh: to hell with people like that. You deserve people who like you for who you are.
I'll probably stop here because my advice is starting to sound pretty generic.

But I do have one question.
Did those people have anything in common? For example, were they the ones taking most of the initiative in the relationship?

I'd like to thank u and everyone else for the support, I really appreciate it.

Also uhh the biggest consistency between all of them were like, they could never admit to being wrong even with the evidence plainly there to see. Either that or they were very avoidant people. As for initiative, the person I mentioned we did mainly split interactions 50/50 but with everyone else I'd be the one starting nearly every conversation. Now that I think about it, the people I talk to where they actively seek me out usually fair much better which in hindsight is pretty obvious lol. This does rly help tho so thank uu.

 

[caotic_realm]

Kindness is a clear sign of evolution and progress within a civilization that aspires to fraternal unity, free from wars and trivial conflicts. Showing and receiving respect indicates a civilized, cordial environment; indeed, in contrast to the hostile settings many people face in certain countries, I believe that being kind—being a good person—is actually the opposite of a weakness: it is a strength.

Nowadays, it is easier to do wrong, to scam, to seek an advantage, to take advantage of others, to steal, and to be dishonest. Consequently, being kind, honest, respectful, and tolerant—without being spineless—is more difficult; becoming a good person therefore requires willpower and the capacity to act that way in a hostile world.