Venting I am going to kill myself, and no one will care

[Spook97]

People have always referred to me as a magnet of sorts; I bring people that would otherwise never speak to one another together with my extraversion, and am generally regarded as quite the charming person in an otherwise introverted country. I know, folks; it sounds too good to be true! That is because it is.

I have no one. No one talks to me lest they have ulterior motives, or feel obligated to do so. The only friend I had has stopped inviting me to parties as a whole; prior to this he had just stopped hanging out with me one-on-one. I cannot recall the last time someone sought me out on their own.

This brand of loneliness should be familiar by now; the kind that comes with making it on your own. The kind that comes with realising everyone in your life is an acquaintance at best. It still hurts. All I have ever wanted in life is connection, and I cannot even obtain that despite the role I have. Everyone in my life is aware of this fear I have due to my BPD, yet they seem to take advantage of it if anything. I am shrieking with hoarse lungs into an apathetic world that perceives my plight as nothing but a theatre play.

I know no one wants me around. I know that the only reason people even keep me in their lives is so that I can be the host of their cheap parties they know I will pay for. We went out swimming last party, and my best friend did not even look my way as I was actively drowning—calling his name. He swam away laughing with another person after I got up, and began to hyperventilate. Despite this, I am so desperate to not be alone that I asked him if he wanted to do coke this week; through this action, I was immediately invited to a party I was previously unaware of that is in two days. It ended up backfiring because I only had enough coke for two people. I have such a lack of self respect that I allow people to treat me like rubbish in exhange for people in my proximity.

It feels like I am stuck behind the glass of a television screen, frantically banging my fist against the compartment while the audience watches on. No one cares to hear me scream—no one cares enough to save me. Perhaps they find enjoyment in my suffering. Perhaps they assume it to be part of the script.

I am going to kill myself. The plan is to do it next month, yet it hurts more than I could ever possibly articulate to know I have no one in my corner that would shed a tear in my name despite everything I have done for people. I know it is selfish, but all I ever wanted was to be wanted. I guess all of it was in vain.

 

[hdead]

We will shed a tear for you. I relate deeply to your story and plan to CTB for very similar reasons.

I am terribly sorry that the deck was shuffled like it was. I hope you find a way out of this. Otherwise, I'd love to chat on the other side sometime.

 

[Aflame5926]

eeey man.

to be honest it does sounds you need to find some new friends.

but what you mean with ulterior motives or feel obligated or taken advantage of?

manny hugs tho

 

[Spook97]

eeey man.

to be honest it does sounds you need to find some new friends.

but what you mean with ulterior motives or feel obligated or taken advantage of?

manny hugs tho

Most of the people in my life drink, and do drugs. Whenever they have access to it themselves I am never invited or acknowledged, but when they have nothing yet know I do they immediately jump to me asking if I can 'lend them a hand.' Either that, or it is just to get advice from me; most tend to come to me for help.

 

[Aflame5926]

i would say time to go to different parties and find people that do appriete what you are doing to be honest.

ofcourse easier said then done. i dont think its bad that people are rally on you through.
but some people will reconise your effort and helping out.

for example everybody here an relate to some things. maybe you just haven't found the perfect place imho.

dont get me wrong im very pro choice. but reading your story i do feel there is a bit more left in the barrel even through it feels empty for you.

drugs doesnt mean it automaticly bad people. hanging out with bad people makes it bad.

but since your quite extrovert it should be easier to make first surface contact with people.

YOLO you can always CTB when the barrel is really empty empty.

and maybe the grass is greener at the other side since i'm me and you are you

 

[FF777]

i'm going to be blunt here and call it like i see it.. first of all this is not a good reason to CTB.. your friends sound like trash and you are on a higher level than they are.. don't let your low-level acquaintances dictate your life or death..

it sounds like you need to divest your self from the entire lot of your "friends" and i know there are no quick replacements but there are definitely people out there that actually have souls and will appreciate you as a person if you can find them..

and i mean if a lot of these friends are in to drugs then it isn't surprising that they are sort of low-level parasites like that because drugs tend to attract those types of people.. not always but that's the trend..

you said you are kind of extroverted.. have you thought about starting any type of video channel on a platform or any thing?.. i'm not really sure what type of person you are or what you would make videos about but i was thinking if it is an option that appeals to you then it could give you sort of a community of people (your subscribers) that actually appreciate you for you and aren't trying to get any thing out of you.. some times some magickal things can happen if you just put your self out there..

that's still not a replacement for friends but it might help.. but for actual friends it's kind of hard.. even trying to use friend-finding apps, it's like even after reading their stats and their little description of them selves you still really don't even know what the person is like really..

as for me i've been on the internet for a long time in chat rooms, and i think i've met about 8 people total in real life that i met from the internet so far.. i like yapping in chat rooms any way so i just talk in them regardless of if i need friends or not, but some times you end up finding a person you connect well with on there and get to really know them and then you eventually end up meeting in real life and being a room-mate with them or what ever.. and one weird thing i've found from all the people i've met in real life from the internet is that after you meet them in real life you have pretty much the same feel and relationship with them that you did on the internet; it's kind of weird..

but hmm.. i'm thinking..... but besides that i guess you could try some of the "meet up" websites where you like find groups or make groups your self that have a certain theme and then you meet with people in that group like once a month or how ever often.. it could be groups where you go to a different restaurant together to eat, or meet up at a place to play some board games or video games, or just what ever, and you can make groups if some thing you want doesn't exist yet and see if any one joins it..

so yeah, but friends are kind of hard to find which sucks.. but your current friends just sound kind of like leeches.. you are better than they are and your energy is hurting from being subjected to their abuse.. and if you are taking hard drugs your self then stop.. you don't want to do the hard ones because they can cause bodily damage including brain damage.. you need to take good care of your body.. replace drugs with some thing else like eating healthy and lifting and talking walks in the parks.. but the last thing you need to be doing in response to your situation is CTB.. you have so much potential and it is not your time yet..

love and light..