Is anyone also addicted to shocking other people around them?

[cacowads]

I know I'm essentially a ruined, disgusting person that's probably going to end his own life at 25. I've basically let go of keeping this sort of social image or filter and sometimes, i get addicted to the thrill of doing impulsive shit.
I'm talking about being addicted to the thrill of watching gore videos or violent content on campus or when I'm eating out with the dark excitement of people around me possibly seeing what I'm watching. I know that I'll never be normal and that I'll be incapable of living a "vanilla" normal life. I've unintentionally creeped or grossed everyone else around me. As a kid, I had unrestricted internet access and was exposed to a lot of horror and gore related content. Basically ranging from I feel Fantastic, Don't Hug Me I'm Scared to Checchlear and 3 guys 1 hammer. I also used to watch a lot of this guy on YouTube called PlaugedMoth (who used to review gore content onsite) as well as Disturbed Reality. Looking back, the content I consumed probably made me as a person (I'm someone really interested in the morbid and the macabre) and sometimes it both depresses and makes me feel safe. I am so messed up.

 

[BlueMist96]

There's still time to heal, if that's what you want.

 

[VileMagnolia]

One time I flashed pics of my self harm at some bigots who were protesting outside a bar. I also starting cutting on my lower arm so I'd have more visible scars for people to see. It feels validating. It feels exhilarating.