thrim
Member
- Jan 23, 2026
- 11
I don't actually know how to start this but I feel like I need to recollect myself somewhere that isn't completely private so I have an opportunity to feel human again and ground myself instead of spiraling.
Honestly I thought I was getting better. I guess it's as people may say, get worse before getting even better? Dunno. This is just nonsensical rambling and ideas that cannot be seamlessly woven into each other so please ignore this
I recently had a friend get me dabbling in typology (SO/SP 459). It's a nice way to figure yourself out, but it also frustrates me to no end. There's so many regulations and customs in it and the community reminds me of how much people tend to feel the need to dictate how you must view yourself. It's supposed to help you start healing and improving yourself, but I think it's just made me worse in the way I view the people around me. Or, I may just be finding something to blame for the anger within myself. It sounds pretty corny auuuh
I do not like to be reminded of my flaws, although it may be beneficial and necessary from time to time. But I always feel inferior to the people around me, and it only feeds my self-hatred. I started to channel this frustration into art, I literally cannot draw without feeling frustrated because every time I feel proud of my work and share it with my friend all they can do is give unwarranted criticism then be like "but other than that it's great!!" I am trying so hard to be rational and not react to this kind of shit unreasonably but it's starting to bleed into my inner thoughts when I draw. Because there's always SOME FUCKING THING to fix. To do better. How much effort does it take to just be CONSIDERATE? to just say "that's really cute! I do see improvement!!" instead of saying demotivating things?
This is why I also can't be mad -- because they are like this. They think they are genuinely helping and no matter what I tell them, they just cannot help it. I've said things before, even put our 8 year friendship on the line because they were telling me disrespectful things. I had to draw a heavy line after being told "I hate people like you who never try improving in the slightest" It still pisses me off so fucking BAD to remember. Are you SERIOUS?
I tried. I try so hard. They are my ONLY. ONLY friend. ONLINE, no less. Sometimes I wonder if I am the crazy one? Because I have a track record of spiraling. But I also acknowledge that these things I feel ARE real, and do COME FROM SOMEWHERE. I am constantly torn on whether or not I should end things or keep going because I am "being unreasonable" yet again. I know myself best (obviously), and moments like these are the worst because I can't tell if I am being rash and will do something I'll regret eventually or if it is something that has been a long time coming and is something that will truly benefit me.
See, because, even when I say things like this and it's MY perspective of things, they are also a genuinely kind person and do hold a lot of love in their heart. They are not hateful, and during the time they said that aforementioned quote, they were overwhelmed with things going on in their life as exams were underway. I am also one of the only people they can trust and be fully honest and behave this way around, so I also feel like I would do some heavy damage to them as well. But I also understand that I need to prioritize myself!! So it's an endless cycle!!
There was a time where I blocked all of the friends I had. They were the only one who was so patient with me and "took me back in" each time, so I feel as though I'm indebted to them. That was the worst time of my life, and I feel the need to be there for theirs in return. But, LIKE I SAID, I ALSO KNOW THAT I CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH and I've stood up for myself!!!!!! It doesn't help that my parents know about them, and I literally planned to meet up with them for the first time ever in like a week (god willing), so I'm also stuck between doing something senseless or constantly being reminded of what I could do better and keep feeling burdened. What the hell do I even tell my mom? I stopped being friends with the only friend I had because I was being petty? Because there's no believable way to say "we grew apart" or "it was mutual" when I talked about meeting them just yesterday. i WANT to keep having them in my life, and maybe i WAS in love with them, but none of that matters now. Maybe I liked being a priority and I enjoyed being a confidant. I have always been selfish-- so that's why I wonder if this is just another case of me feeling bad about myself and need to stop thinking that things revolve around me.
And then I keep going in circles. Because,, since I am that selfish, then I'll inevitably need to see myself out to not burden people with my attitude and behaviors. My friend doesn't need me. I am out of their interest now, I played the long game and I have lost my place, this mindset in which they are DEFINITELY not obligated to accommodate and I don't wish to influence. It was nice while it lasted, maybe I have finally served my purpose? As the world does not revolve around me and yet I behave as if it did, then it'd be easier to just walk away from the perceived world. I don't even have the capacity of fantasizing of CTB anymore but instead just hiding myself away from the people that know me and "save others from my being". And... we're back to square one. The solution is so obvious.
The way I see it, to them, I am just someone to fix. Because they want to see me get better. But I am not a damsel nor am I "helpless". I am not some passion project and I think I know what I have to do.
I am so tired of being myself. I am tired of thinking the way I think. Because I know the things I think are selfish and ugly and I don't want them to reflect who I am as a person, yet I still allow them to influence me. I should really start taking my medication because Now that i've aired some stuff out I feel a little better and am realizing that I'm just saying idiotic things. I really am spiraling and its normal to me at this point. I am just a sensitive asshole
I want to draw again. I want to get better. I want to do things I love and actually feel that enjoyment without being frustrated with myself and my faults.
I also had an epiphany. Of course, its easier said than realized/truly acknowledged, but I really am not obligated to anyone. I can do what I want. Of course, there are consequences if we were thinking about it in a bigger and literal sense, but I really don't need external validation because at the end of the day all I will have is myself. Things will not change, yet I always hope they do. I really want to believe that things are always going to get better and I am not my worst moments. I do not need to feel insecure because what people tell me and make me feel will not matter and "we will all die someday" and be forgotten so I may as well do things for myself and for my own happiness. But I know that no matter what I do, there will always be a problem. That is just how life works!!!!! And I cannot even be upset by it because it is nothing new!!!!!!!!!! arfhfhhghghfhgh I just wish I could be a normal person. I wish I was not envious of the people around me and was deeply inconsiderate instead because maybe then that stupidity could also make me happier. Ignorance truly is bliss and I wish it was easy. Because all that I am currently typing out isn't really doing much for me anyways besides tiring me out and basically pacifying me so it's up to interpretation if I am actually benefiting from this or not. I am responsible for myself and myself only. I am not a tool for others' convenience, I am a tool for myself. I just had to actually FEEL these ideas. And maybe these ideas are why I also have begun spiraling. Because of these ideas, maybe I don't need others because they don't need me anymore? Once I stop being needed then, to me, my job is done and once someone has found something better then I can take my leave however I wish. Because I DO genuinely like being there for others and being helpful.
Maybe its because once that need is gone then in some convoluted way some part of me recognizes that being present for any longer after serving an initial purpose has only THEN become an obligation that I do not really enjoy having? It's weird and I don't think I can intellectualize/put into proper words yet to make sense. Because I understand that from a different perspective this all sounds incredibly contradictory
I already hate myself, I do not want to be made to hate myself more than I already do. I am not new to these thoughts so the best I can do is just write them out when they have become too much for me to handle. At the end of the day, I am just a very awkward loser (+additional points for admitting it so it's a paradox) who does not know how to properly socialize with others. The way I write things out just sounds incredibly embarrassing and like some attempt of a weird villain monologue and I hate to be this self-aware. I'm cringing myself out so I'll stop here since this has already gotten quite long as well but I'm feeling a lot better for writing this out. If anyone actually read this then Wow !!!! Do not go alone!!!!!!!! and my heart will go out to everyone ever. I want to stay true to myself and nevertheless I hope people also try to be. admitting my shortcomings is how I can bounce back from moments like these. I like to think I am resilient so I know things will be okay and I hope it is for everyone else too. Have a good day!!! ^_^
We can do this guys
Honestly I thought I was getting better. I guess it's as people may say, get worse before getting even better? Dunno. This is just nonsensical rambling and ideas that cannot be seamlessly woven into each other so please ignore this
I recently had a friend get me dabbling in typology (SO/SP 459). It's a nice way to figure yourself out, but it also frustrates me to no end. There's so many regulations and customs in it and the community reminds me of how much people tend to feel the need to dictate how you must view yourself. It's supposed to help you start healing and improving yourself, but I think it's just made me worse in the way I view the people around me. Or, I may just be finding something to blame for the anger within myself. It sounds pretty corny auuuh
I do not like to be reminded of my flaws, although it may be beneficial and necessary from time to time. But I always feel inferior to the people around me, and it only feeds my self-hatred. I started to channel this frustration into art, I literally cannot draw without feeling frustrated because every time I feel proud of my work and share it with my friend all they can do is give unwarranted criticism then be like "but other than that it's great!!" I am trying so hard to be rational and not react to this kind of shit unreasonably but it's starting to bleed into my inner thoughts when I draw. Because there's always SOME FUCKING THING to fix. To do better. How much effort does it take to just be CONSIDERATE? to just say "that's really cute! I do see improvement!!" instead of saying demotivating things?
This is why I also can't be mad -- because they are like this. They think they are genuinely helping and no matter what I tell them, they just cannot help it. I've said things before, even put our 8 year friendship on the line because they were telling me disrespectful things. I had to draw a heavy line after being told "I hate people like you who never try improving in the slightest" It still pisses me off so fucking BAD to remember. Are you SERIOUS?
I tried. I try so hard. They are my ONLY. ONLY friend. ONLINE, no less. Sometimes I wonder if I am the crazy one? Because I have a track record of spiraling. But I also acknowledge that these things I feel ARE real, and do COME FROM SOMEWHERE. I am constantly torn on whether or not I should end things or keep going because I am "being unreasonable" yet again. I know myself best (obviously), and moments like these are the worst because I can't tell if I am being rash and will do something I'll regret eventually or if it is something that has been a long time coming and is something that will truly benefit me.
See, because, even when I say things like this and it's MY perspective of things, they are also a genuinely kind person and do hold a lot of love in their heart. They are not hateful, and during the time they said that aforementioned quote, they were overwhelmed with things going on in their life as exams were underway. I am also one of the only people they can trust and be fully honest and behave this way around, so I also feel like I would do some heavy damage to them as well. But I also understand that I need to prioritize myself!! So it's an endless cycle!!
There was a time where I blocked all of the friends I had. They were the only one who was so patient with me and "took me back in" each time, so I feel as though I'm indebted to them. That was the worst time of my life, and I feel the need to be there for theirs in return. But, LIKE I SAID, I ALSO KNOW THAT I CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH and I've stood up for myself!!!!!! It doesn't help that my parents know about them, and I literally planned to meet up with them for the first time ever in like a week (god willing), so I'm also stuck between doing something senseless or constantly being reminded of what I could do better and keep feeling burdened. What the hell do I even tell my mom? I stopped being friends with the only friend I had because I was being petty? Because there's no believable way to say "we grew apart" or "it was mutual" when I talked about meeting them just yesterday. i WANT to keep having them in my life, and maybe i WAS in love with them, but none of that matters now. Maybe I liked being a priority and I enjoyed being a confidant. I have always been selfish-- so that's why I wonder if this is just another case of me feeling bad about myself and need to stop thinking that things revolve around me.
And then I keep going in circles. Because,, since I am that selfish, then I'll inevitably need to see myself out to not burden people with my attitude and behaviors. My friend doesn't need me. I am out of their interest now, I played the long game and I have lost my place, this mindset in which they are DEFINITELY not obligated to accommodate and I don't wish to influence. It was nice while it lasted, maybe I have finally served my purpose? As the world does not revolve around me and yet I behave as if it did, then it'd be easier to just walk away from the perceived world. I don't even have the capacity of fantasizing of CTB anymore but instead just hiding myself away from the people that know me and "save others from my being". And... we're back to square one. The solution is so obvious.
The way I see it, to them, I am just someone to fix. Because they want to see me get better. But I am not a damsel nor am I "helpless". I am not some passion project and I think I know what I have to do.
I am so tired of being myself. I am tired of thinking the way I think. Because I know the things I think are selfish and ugly and I don't want them to reflect who I am as a person, yet I still allow them to influence me. I should really start taking my medication because Now that i've aired some stuff out I feel a little better and am realizing that I'm just saying idiotic things. I really am spiraling and its normal to me at this point. I am just a sensitive asshole
I want to draw again. I want to get better. I want to do things I love and actually feel that enjoyment without being frustrated with myself and my faults.
I also had an epiphany. Of course, its easier said than realized/truly acknowledged, but I really am not obligated to anyone. I can do what I want. Of course, there are consequences if we were thinking about it in a bigger and literal sense, but I really don't need external validation because at the end of the day all I will have is myself. Things will not change, yet I always hope they do. I really want to believe that things are always going to get better and I am not my worst moments. I do not need to feel insecure because what people tell me and make me feel will not matter and "we will all die someday" and be forgotten so I may as well do things for myself and for my own happiness. But I know that no matter what I do, there will always be a problem. That is just how life works!!!!! And I cannot even be upset by it because it is nothing new!!!!!!!!!! arfhfhhghghfhgh I just wish I could be a normal person. I wish I was not envious of the people around me and was deeply inconsiderate instead because maybe then that stupidity could also make me happier. Ignorance truly is bliss and I wish it was easy. Because all that I am currently typing out isn't really doing much for me anyways besides tiring me out and basically pacifying me so it's up to interpretation if I am actually benefiting from this or not. I am responsible for myself and myself only. I am not a tool for others' convenience, I am a tool for myself. I just had to actually FEEL these ideas. And maybe these ideas are why I also have begun spiraling. Because of these ideas, maybe I don't need others because they don't need me anymore? Once I stop being needed then, to me, my job is done and once someone has found something better then I can take my leave however I wish. Because I DO genuinely like being there for others and being helpful.
Maybe its because once that need is gone then in some convoluted way some part of me recognizes that being present for any longer after serving an initial purpose has only THEN become an obligation that I do not really enjoy having? It's weird and I don't think I can intellectualize/put into proper words yet to make sense. Because I understand that from a different perspective this all sounds incredibly contradictory
I already hate myself, I do not want to be made to hate myself more than I already do. I am not new to these thoughts so the best I can do is just write them out when they have become too much for me to handle. At the end of the day, I am just a very awkward loser (+additional points for admitting it so it's a paradox) who does not know how to properly socialize with others. The way I write things out just sounds incredibly embarrassing and like some attempt of a weird villain monologue and I hate to be this self-aware. I'm cringing myself out so I'll stop here since this has already gotten quite long as well but I'm feeling a lot better for writing this out. If anyone actually read this then Wow !!!! Do not go alone!!!!!!!! and my heart will go out to everyone ever. I want to stay true to myself and nevertheless I hope people also try to be. admitting my shortcomings is how I can bounce back from moments like these. I like to think I am resilient so I know things will be okay and I hope it is for everyone else too. Have a good day!!! ^_^
We can do this guys
