I think I’ve made my decision.

[m3nhera]

The reason why nothing is set in stone is because I really don't want things to end this way. Maybe I'll change my mind as always, but I'm so tired of it all.

Even though I want to die, I don't want to be just another person who kills themselves over abusive parents. They are evil and there's too many evil parents in this world, killing myself won't change that. The cycle will go on and on for eternity.

I don't judge anyone's reasons, it's just especially sad when someone dies because of this. Even more so if they're younger. Some people have chronic illnesses(whether mental or physical) but too many people who has their whole lives ahead of them that could've been amazing, end it all just because their parents made them think it was the only way out. That life is hopeless and will never get better, even though it most likely will after moving out.

But most people in this situation logically know this, yet ctb anyway. I can't logic my way out of how I feel. I know things will get better for me once I move out but I can't take this for much longer.

It feels like letting them win. It makes me sick. To me this is indirect murder even though no one else seems to think so and parents do this to thousands of children EVERY YEAR.

I feel passionately about this stuff, I wanted to get into social justice but the system and the world is so fucked I don't think I could fix any of it. It would just upset me more.

It's all pointless.

Logically I should stay. I know it's the better choice. I can feel myself making a mistake and it feels me with nausea and anguish but I'm just another statistic, I wonder how many teen suicides it'll take for parents to stop being pieces of shit. It doesn't matter, they'll never change.

If I stayed long enough to save money to move out, I could've been happy. I could've enjoyed life instead of constantly dreading waking up. I could've eventually moved in with my bf, have our own place, and know what life is like without a toxic environment. Know how it feels to be surrounded by love. To look forward to each day. I had dreams and aspirations, I wanted to get my bachelor's degree and become micro famous and get into cosplay, have a cute apartment, get married, etc etc. And I could get adequate help for my mental illnesses without my parents being assholes about it.

Today was meant to be a good day before my mom ruined it. It'll be better later for reasons I won't say due to privacy and paranoia, but today will be fun and I'll get to see my favorite person.

So I feel weird typing this all today of all days, it has nothing to do with the event, it's just she made me realize that she'll never change and life will never get better for me. It's hopeless and I can either die or be miserable for what feels like eternity.

I want to start planning a peaceful exit but I don't know where to start. I'm afraid, and too tired to even bother, and stressed out because of all the risks and the pain and how this will affect others.

I actually like my job and my friends and my boyfriend, I'd like my whole life if I wasn't born with awful parents. We are very short staffed so I'm worried if I just go and kill myself then it puts strain on everyone at work and they never did anything to me, I don't want to drag strangers into a mess they didn't create. It's not their fault so they shouldn't have to do more work just because I decided to kill myself for unrelated reasons. Hopefully they hire more people by then. But then what if I survive? Would I lose my job? That stresses me out too, I want it to still be there in case I survive but things rarely work out how I want them to. I like feeling needed. That's part of why I like working. It feels like I'm needed and my help is appreciated.

All of this is to say I think I've decided suicide is the road for me. Not right now, but in the future. I still have stuff to figure out. Because I'm a coward, I'm open to anyone trying to change my mind. But it's my choice at the end of the day.

I'm disappointed things turned out this way. I could've lived a great life. If I just had the strength for a few more years.

 

[-Link-]

I made my decision a long time ago, but I'm still here. In a way, it's kind of freeing... to have made peace with the very idea and to know it's always an option...

Your home life sounds awful. The other aspects of your life, along with the potential (very real potential, not just fantastical) for something better, sound like it would be worth it to keep up the fight.

Whatever length of time you think it will be before you can move away from home, maybe it could help to think about what that time frame actually looks like. So, if for example, you think it's going to be another three years, you could think about where you were in life three years ago. Whatever that length of time has felt like for you, from then until now -- that's how much more time it's going to feel like. And then with each day that passes, that gap gets smaller and (theoretically) feels increasingly 'doable' (or at least "theoretically less insufferable").

If I just had the strength for a few more years.

The strength for a few more years is probably a lot to ask of yourself.

The strength "for today", though, could feel more realistically doable... And then tomorrow is another day, another step closer to something better...

I know words can only offer so much and that actually living it is a whole other thing. I do hear you with this, and I hope you get to feeling better in a better situation. Wishing you well as can be under the circumstances.

 

[never mind me]

Try to hold on, if you can and make moving out your main goal, i.e. do everything you possibly can to achieve this goal asap. I am writing this as a person who grew up with physical and emotional abuse myself and I basically lived for many years just looking at life like a prisoner may look at his sentence and counting the years he still has to serve. Only I counted the years until I would be an adult and be able to move out (although luckily in the end I managed to move out earlier with the help of social services).
I am sure things will look up once you don't live with your parents any more as it sounds like you are doing ok otherwise. You seem to have stable relationships and a job you like, so I am pretty confident you can do well once your parents can't bother you any more. Growing up in an abusive family might still have some lingering effects on your life even after moving out, but it will get easier over time and especially with a boy-friend and friends by your side who treat you well, you will in all likelihood eventually overcome your bad experiences with your parents.
And I also have this philosophy that it sucks to allow abusive parents to get the better of you and ctb because of them. This was one of my major motivations in the past to not ctb when I felt really bad.

 

[m3nhera]

I made my decision a long time ago, but I'm still here. In a way, it's kind of freeing... to have made peace with the very idea and to know it's always an option...

Your home life sounds awful. The other aspects of your life, along with the potential (very real potential, not just fantastical) for something better, sound like it would be worth it to keep up the fight.

Whatever length of time you think it will be before you can move away from home, maybe it could help to think about what that time frame actually looks like. So, if for example, you think it's going to be another three years, you could think about where you were in life three years ago. Whatever that length of time has felt like for you, from then until now -- that's how much more time it's going to feel like. And then with each day that passes, that gap gets smaller and (theoretically) feels increasingly 'doable' (or at least "theoretically less insufferable").


The strength for a few more years is probably a lot to ask of yourself.

The strength "for today", though, could feel more realistically doable... And then tomorrow is another day, another step closer to something better...

I know words can only offer so much and that actually living it is a whole other thing. I do hear you with this, and I hope you get to feeling better in a better situation. Wishing you well as can be under the circumstances.

You're right in theory, but even just getting through each day is draining. And time doesn't usually feel short for me even if I look into the past, since I've been abused since I was 5 and it never stopped. Every year seems to feel so long yet short at the same time if that makes sense.

I'm just so tired. Thank you for your reply.

Try to hold on, if you can and make moving out your main goal, i.e. do everything you possibly can to achieve this goal asap. I am writing this as a person who grew up with physical and emotional abuse myself and I basically lived for many years just looking at life like a prisoner may look at his sentence and counting the years he still has to serve. Only I counted the years until I would be an adult and be able to move out (although luckily in the end I managed to move out earlier with the help of social services).
I am sure things will look up once you don't live with your parents any more as it sounds like you are doing ok otherwise. You seem to have stable relationships and a job you like, so I am pretty confident you can do well once your parents can't bother you any more. Growing up in an abusive family might still have some lingering effects on your life even after moving out, but it will get easier over time and especially with a boy-friend and friends by your side who treat you well, you will in all likelihood eventually overcome your bad experiences with your parents.
And I also have this philosophy that it sucks to allow abusive parents to get the better of you and ctb because of them. This was one of my major motivations in the past to not ctb when I felt really bad.

I'm sorry you went through this too, glad to see someone in a similar situation make it out. I'm sure things will be better once I move out too but it feels so far away, like a distant fantasy. Sometimes I can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I've longed for death since I was little. Because the suffering for some of us never ends. Never.

 

[TAW122]

I cannot say for what one should or should not do as it's their own individual choice. However, as for myself personally, I've made the decision numerous times during most of my existing life, especially when I became a legal adult (18+). I've always thought about suicide and dying as a way out, the last option that I'd take and that it will always remain some option or so. In fact, ironically, the very thought has often brought me suffering in the sense that I often am in contention with society, my peers, and others, for the simple fact that I don't belong and my idea/perspective/belief is just too "dangerous" to openly admit. So throughout most of my life (even to present day) I've often hid my feelings (unless I'm on SaSu, here to discuss openly about the various topics, such as CTB, suicide, right to die, and more without fear of repercussions), but there were times in my life where I did 'act out' a bit for the very reason that society itself does NOT (and probably never will) accept suicide as an option and while the world is changing, the best possible outcome (at least in the foreseeable future) would be allowing some exception to suicide prevention but euthanasia for those who are terminally ill and then MAYBE just those who are non-terminal but chronically ill and suffering indefinitely (severe disabilities and chronic conditions that cannot be alleviated or cured ever). Anyways, I digress a bit but back to the main point...

So again, I've made my decision on suicide but of course, I too, am also holding off until the right time and circumstance, but oftenly I've had some things that I've kept going if things are okay enough in the current moment, but as time progresses and depending on how things play out in the coming future, as health may get worse, the world itself becoming more hostile and unbearable along with personal things, I may sooner check out than to prolong myself for possibly year(s) further down the road.

 

[m3nhera]

Suicide is always the best option. But the way to it is hard.

Yeah :(

I cannot say for what one should or should not do as it's their own individual choice. However, as for myself personally, I've made the decision numerous times during most of my existing life, especially when I became a legal adult (18+). I've always thought about suicide and dying as a way out, the last option that I'd take and that it will always remain some option or so. In fact, ironically, the very thought has often brought me suffering in the sense that I often am in contention with society, my peers, and others, for the simple fact that I don't belong and my idea/perspective/belief is just too "dangerous" to openly admit. So throughout most of my life (even to present day) I've often hid my feelings (unless I'm on SaSu, here to discuss openly about the various topics, such as CTB, suicide, right to die, and more without fear of repercussions), but there were times in my life where I did 'act out' a bit for the very reason that society itself does NOT (and probably never will) accept suicide as an option and while the world is changing, the best possible outcome (at least in the foreseeable future) would be allowing some exception to suicide prevention but euthanasia for those who are terminally ill and then MAYBE just those who are non-terminal but chronically ill and suffering indefinitely (severe disabilities and chronic conditions that cannot be alleviated or cured ever). Anyways, I digress a bit but back to the main point...

So again, I've made my decision on suicide but of course, I too, am also holding off until the right time and circumstance, but oftenly I've had some things that I've kept going if things are okay enough in the current moment, but as time progresses and depending on how things play out in the coming future, as health may get worse, the world itself becoming more hostile and unbearable along with personal things, I may sooner check out than to prolong myself for possibly year(s) further down the road.

I feel this way too, however it's like I'm always waiting for the "right time". Some people will spend years waiting for the "right time" to do something they've always wanted to do, and then die of old age before even getting the chance. I'm worried I'll spend forever waiting. There's always SOMETHING stopping it from being the perfect time.

 

[m3nhera]

Don't change your mind. Just do it. I also struggle witj the fear of Death

Ironically being told to do it makes me not want to do it anymore maybe you shouldn't be telling people that unless they ask what to do(which I've done in other posts but not this one). I want to stick around I have so much shit to get done first

 

[m3nhera]

Why you wanna stick around? What shit so you have to get done

I feel like I'm being judged for this or maybe I'm just taking it the wrong way it's a choice after all, it doesn't affect you if someone else wants to live so what's the big deal? It's not like I said you have to do the same thing. Sorry I've had a long morning. I just have life goals I eventually wanted to reach and also I need to prepare for college and stuff which starts in a few weeks. And I wanted to save up money to move out and live with my bf eventually etc etc. Also not to be that person but isn't it against the rules to tell someone else to do it? Not even a suggestion just straight up demands which I could just ignore but like still, what's the rush to get other people to die

I feel like this is really pushing me in the opposite direction anyway so it's counterproductive(unless that was your intention)

I just hate the feeling of being pressured into suicide I guess. Or into anything. Yk? This can apply to living too, it just ties into control and the reason I hate that so much is probably due to how I grew up.

 

[m3nhera]

Don't wanna be pessimistic, but life never gets better. Once it goes downhill, it can't go uphill. Or have you seen a rock roll uphill. But you as a girl are here for attention only anyways i guess

Why are you being so rude? Are you saying you think I'm here for attention and also happen to be a girl, or that I'm here for attention BECAUSE I'm a girl? The second one is misogynistic but you're being rude regardless what did I do to you?

I'm here because this place makes me feel understood and usually don't run into people like you. You literally sound like those people who judge all suicidal people with the attention seeking claims and blah blah blah

Why would I be here for attention? If anyone irl or even people online(not here, other platforms) found out I'm on a suicide forum I'd be embarrassed, I don't come here for attention. People are really judgy over this stuff and I'm sure everyone on SaSu knows, not to mention how bad the media makes this site sound.

Can someone report this guy for the other post he made it's deleted but there should be another way and it's still in this thread anyway. I'm really bad with social cues so idk if you're actually supposed to care about that stuff here or if the rule is only there so the media doesn't try harder to get this site banned.

EDIT: guys I might change my mind out of spite LMAO like I guess I'll live now, feels like listening if I die and I hate mean people

EDIT 2: wait they actually got banned, it's kind of sweet whoever moderates this place actually cares somewhat

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

The reason why nothing is set in stone is because I really don't want things to end this way. Maybe I'll change my mind as always, but I'm so tired of it all.

Even though I want to die, I don't want to be just another person who kills themselves over abusive parents. They are evil and there's too many evil parents in this world, killing myself won't change that. The cycle will go on and on for eternity.

I don't judge anyone's reasons, it's just especially sad when someone dies because of this. Even more so if they're younger. Some people have chronic illnesses(whether mental or physical) but too many people who has their whole lives ahead of them that could've been amazing, end it all just because their parents made them think it was the only way out. That life is hopeless and will never get better, even though it most likely will after moving out.

But most people in this situation logically know this, yet ctb anyway. I can't logic my way out of how I feel. I know things will get better for me once I move out but I can't take this for much longer.

It feels like letting them win. It makes me sick. To me this is indirect murder even though no one else seems to think so and parents do this to thousands of children EVERY YEAR.

I feel passionately about this stuff, I wanted to get into social justice but the system and the world is so fucked I don't think I could fix any of it. It would just upset me more.

It's all pointless.

Logically I should stay. I know it's the better choice. I can feel myself making a mistake and it feels me with nausea and anguish but I'm just another statistic, I wonder how many teen suicides it'll take for parents to stop being pieces of shit. It doesn't matter, they'll never change.

If I stayed long enough to save money to move out, I could've been happy. I could've enjoyed life instead of constantly dreading waking up. I could've eventually moved in with my bf, have our own place, and know what life is like without a toxic environment. Know how it feels to be surrounded by love. To look forward to each day. I had dreams and aspirations, I wanted to get my bachelor's degree and become micro famous and get into cosplay, have a cute apartment, get married, etc etc. And I could get adequate help for my mental illnesses without my parents being assholes about it.

Today was meant to be a good day before my mom ruined it. It'll be better later for reasons I won't say due to privacy and paranoia, but today will be fun and I'll get to see my favorite person.

So I feel weird typing this all today of all days, it has nothing to do with the event, it's just she made me realize that she'll never change and life will never get better for me. It's hopeless and I can either die or be miserable for what feels like eternity.

I want to start planning a peaceful exit but I don't know where to start. I'm afraid, and too tired to even bother, and stressed out because of all the risks and the pain and how this will affect others.

I actually like my job and my friends and my boyfriend, I'd like my whole life if I wasn't born with awful parents. We are very short staffed so I'm worried if I just go and kill myself then it puts strain on everyone at work and they never did anything to me, I don't want to drag strangers into a mess they didn't create. It's not their fault so they shouldn't have to do more work just because I decided to kill myself for unrelated reasons. Hopefully they hire more people by then. But then what if I survive? Would I lose my job? That stresses me out too, I want it to still be there in case I survive but things rarely work out how I want them to. I like feeling needed. That's part of why I like working. It feels like I'm needed and my help is appreciated.

All of this is to say I think I've decided suicide is the road for me. Not right now, but in the future. I still have stuff to figure out. Because I'm a coward, I'm open to anyone trying to change my mind. But it's my choice at the end of the day.

I'm disappointed things turned out this way. I could've lived a great life. If I just had the strength for a few more years.

You can still do all those things & have a great life.

 

[m3nhera]

You can still do all those things & have a great life.

Thank you! You're right. I've been trying to take my meds more consistently so I've been feeling a little better now.

 

[m3nhera]

After a lot of thinking I think maybe I'll live. Maybe things might get better, and I have goals I want to accomplish. And things I want to experience. I'm still a young adult and I can always ctb in the future if things don't go well. What's the rush besides how it feels and/or circumstances? I realized I don't need to hurry to meet a certain deadline, it's stressful and annoying. I'll just go with the flow lol maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised by uni

 

[delinquentsandwich]

After a lot of thinking I think maybe I'll live. Maybe things might get better, and I have goals I want to accomplish. And things I want to experience. I'm still a young adult and I can always ctb in the future if things don't go well. What's the rush besides how it feels and/or circumstances? I realized I don't need to hurry to meet a certain deadline, it's stressful and annoying. I'll just go with the flow lol maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised by uni

you've got goals and ambitions, keep hanging onto those!!
life isn't always a race
I used to think it was a sprint for the majority of my school life but it got so much easier when I just took my time
all you gotta do is keep doing your best, no matter where you go or what happens

I really hope uni goes well
it sounds really tough but it can be fun too

 

[m3nhera]

you've got goals and ambitions, keep hanging onto those!!
life isn't always a race
I used to think it was a sprint for the majority of my school life but it got so much easier when I just took my time
all you gotta do is keep doing your best, no matter where you go or what happens

I really hope uni goes well
it sounds really tough but it can be fun too

Thank you!!! And I can relate to the sprint thing, I always feel like I'm falling behind.